Confusion
My wife and I had been married for almost 6 years. Initially in the relationship she was controlling and challenging to handle at times, very early on one night when I wanted to go for a beer with my brother it caused a big argument and she took her engagement ring off and said she was done. She later changed her mind. This up and down Behaviour carries is on for several years. We had an unplanned child who I love millions. She loves us both deeply. We had marriage councilling and that seemed to help. She had got a new job and seemed happy despite the constant up and down mood. One day it’s transpired she had met up with a male colleague three times to hand over old clothes belonging to our child to his child however it turned out they had been texting, she told me that she liked him and that they had been sending kisses to each other and also talking to each other on a scrabble gaming app also. I asked if I could see the messages to put my mind at rest and she said no. She then told me she had deleted them. The next day I said I needed some space and would stay at my mums for the night. She later called me that day and said she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I am distraught. She is already after just 4-5 days asking me to sign the flat over to be in her name. She had also gone to view other properties. I’ve told her I love her and want to be with her but she’s told me she doesn’t know if she wants to to. I am mourning. Can anyone help with some advice or support please
@philosophicalTriangle8271
I'm very sorry to read of your situation.
Are you mourning the loss of the relationship, partner, or broken trust? Any of them can cause this devastating grief.
She informed you that they like each other and were sharing kisses, connecting on multiple platforms. Unfortunately, in current times, people manage to convince themselves that an emotional affair isn't cheating because it wasn't physical.
When someone gets caught out, it can cause fear because they are aware of the lines they crossed. Even if the partner doesn't leave them, there can be negative emotions like guilt, shame, etc before even thinking of rebuilding trust. These are all very difficult to cope with and an alternative path is to avoid all uncomfortable conversation altogether, walk away from it. Financial insecurity also seems a factor for her since she's already thinking about property even before explaining her actions. Decisions like the house etc depend on a lot of aspects, including current law in your country.
If she decides to leave rather than work on rebuilding the marriage, that is her choice. It isn't possible to change anything unless both partners want to work together.
You were not wrong to question her relationship with him, and you were not wrong to take some space to process what happened.
If you'd like to talk or share, please know we are here to listen and support.
Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it. I’ve been keeping up contact with my daughter every other day this week. It only happened five days ago. She’s saying how she’s so relieved me and my parents are being so civil. I’ve told her I love her and want to make this work but she says she doesn’t know. She says to me go on say something nasty to me. I said I would never and have never done such a thing. I’ve had to try and secure a flat in the local area just to keep as much normality for my daughter as possible. Thank you for you kind words they help me and confirm my feelings to me. She said to me she was appalled by my behaviour when I found out when all I was doing was politely asking to just talk about it when i found out late that night. It left me feeling confused
@philosophicalTriangle8271
You are absolutely on the right path, treating her and her choices (good as well as bad choices) with respect. The good part is, she told you much of it herself. Perhaps subconsciously she was tired of the deception. She is asking you to say nasty stuff, which perhaps reflects how she feels about it. I am glad you have the love and maturity in you to handle this in a civil way.
It's great you're able to keep up contact with your daughter, this must all be very confusing for her. Well done also on trying to retain as much normality as possible for the little one. That allows some space and time to work through emotions, discussion, etc without causing any further impact as you try to find a way forward.
All your feelings are completely valid. The positive as well as negative ones. How you convert those emotions into words and actions, that is where you have a choice.
Thanks again for responding, I feel angry confused betrayed deceived, abandoned. I feel in a state of shock. It’s like because i wanted a days space in light of the recent news she has said I don’t want to be with u, I havnt been happy with u for a while. Yet it’s like she completely disregarding what’s at stake and the lengths I’m willing to go to fix this situation. She hasn’t once asked me how I am doing either and she’s rushing along admin stuff like the flat and car stuff. It’s like she’s locking down and in a hurry. I don’t even know what narrative she is spinning to her family who havnt even come to see her . I’m completely confused
@philosophicalTriangle8271
I hear you. Angry, confused, betrayed, deceived, abandoned, shock, accused, pushed. So many difficult emotions.
I'd like to reiterate. This is not your fault. She is an adult. Her choice of actions are not your fault.
Even if we assume she hadn't been happy for a while, she had multiple paths open to resolving the situation OR walking away from the unhappy marriage. Remaining in that marriage and intentionally breaking your trust was her decision.
If she has already checked out emotionally from this marriage and wants to move on, there is not much to be done at this point to change her mind.
While you're confused and still processing the shock, it is important not to make big decisions. Give yourself the time and space you need to heal. Any admin decisions are best avoided in a confused state, they can definitely wait.