Confusion and sadness
I have been with my ?? boyfriend?? for 9 years. We do not live together. About 4 weeks ago we went out for his birthday, and spoke that weekend. The following week I had some health issues come up and I was afraid and I sent a text. He said unless I have proof that something is wrong, then I'm fine. I haven't heard from him since. Things have been off for a while, and this just adds to it. If I want to talk to him I have to contact him. He will communicate back, but limited. I caved in and went to his house, and he didn't have any answers to why he " stopped talking to me." He said things like, I'm talking to you now aren't I, and I'm right here, I didn't go anywhere. I asked him if I should just take my things home, and he didn't understand why I would do that. He has made no efforts to show that he even cares in the last couple months. It hurts. He was my best friend. I feel like if I want any contact at this point, I have to go there, call, etc...He stopped coming to my house a year ago. I'm doing all the work, yet he still claims he is in a relationship with me. It's all I can do to not go over there, but that just makes me look crazy. He has always been a poor communicator and maybe this is his way of saying its over without saying it? But then he will still let me come over, answer my calls or texts, etc...so it's like he ghosted, but will still respond to me. My heart feels broken, I feel confused, sad, and lonely. In the 9 years together, he stopped being any kind of intimate 6 years ago. He doesn't have any friends he goes out with, just stays home. I just want to know what to do, say...this is hard. I'm 44, hes 45.
Heya!
9 years is a very long relationship! I see that lately he has not been making any efforts towards the relationship, including basic things like daily communication or prompt responses. It honestly sounds really emotionally painful because 9 years is not a short period of time at all and to feel like you're drifting away from a person who used to be your best friend and someone you could turn to at any given time ~ can't imagine how painful that must be.
He seems to be very short on responses when you question him about his actions. Have you ever thought of ways you could get him to finally tell you what's on his mind or why he is behaving the way he is. Like maybe you could bring up examples from the past about how your relationship used to be, what you still expect from the relationship and how he's not been making any efforts to make it feel like he's interested or he cares.
You're really strong to have been putting up with this for 6 years however, you deserve to feel loved and cared. 
@CommunityModTaylor
Thank you for that. I have asked him face to face why he hasn't communicated. He just says he has nothing to say. He works all day and has a college class he has to take for work and always says he has to do homework, study, etc...because if he doesn't pass the class, work won't reimburse him, etc..But, that's still not an excuse to ignore someone. Whenever I would be at his house, he immediatly puts his phone on silent, but continues to be on it, texting or whatever. I've asked him if he's seeing someone else, he just says no. I've asked him to please just tell me if he want's to be done with me, he just says why would I do that? He always answers with a question. I will tell him I feel that something is going on, and he will always say, " why do you say things that aren't true." But they are MY perception of things, not me making something up as he always puts it. I know this is a losing battle. I would like to talk to him one more time, face to face, get some kind of normal answer, but I know that won't happen. I've even tried to simplify my questions, and he still can't respond with an answer. He just says " I don't understand, or you don't make any sense." My heart hurts over all this. Ive slowly been pushed out for the last several years, I feel it, I see it. But when I tell him about it, he just says, thats not true. Its almost crazymaking!! It IS TRUE!! Do you have any ideas how to communicate different to maybe get a different response??
@catmouse555
I am so sorry. He HAS to know that he is acting differently. He probably just does not want to deal with talking to you about it bc a lot of men are poor communicators or think discussing it is "drama". I am just speaking from experience. It will make u start to feel crazy. Dont lower your expectations of connection for a fear of loosing him. I know that is MUCH easier said than done though. Going through similar issues. 6 years is a long time to be disconnected. You might want to think if this is what u truly want . ..sometimes u have to experience pain to get to happiness. I know that's a scary thought. I am here if u would like to chat. Sending u a hug !! 😇🤗
@Lovetennis
Thank you for that. I really don't have a support system to talk about this with, so I appreciate you offering to chat. All my relationships seem to go this way. It's like I'm a novelty to guys and they are so eager to date, but once we are together, it's like the novelty wears off and they lose interest.
I'm sure he knows hes being different. I caved and went there again Monday and just asked for a hug, which he allowed. No one said anything, then I left. I then stopped again today to ask a question and it was fine but he just answers me. No other conversation, then he sits down and watches tv and ignores me. I just leave. It's all so confusing. Part of me feels like I could be in control of the situation, do all the work, ( which I'm doing), but it's not getting me the response, the conversation, the caring Im looking for. That was just there a month ago! Something has changed more in the last few months that he's pulled away so much, but yet, won't give me that " I'm done with us" line I wish he would say. I know things will never be like they were 9 years ago...I'm just torn. And I feel like I'm going crazy. And I feel stupid for even bothering when I know the obvious. Ugh.....
@catmouse555 I know this is hard and painful, but maybe you should end things before it gets harder for you, before you find out something else is going on, that will make you feel worse. Just give yourself that peace of mind. Hope things get better for you, like I said I was in the same situation with my husband. If you need anything feel free to send me a message.
@GZVMoon926 how r u doing today? It's always hard this time of night. Ugh...
@Lovetennis. And I know what u mean bc when we were together towards end I felt like I was putting in all the effort...also I was afraid to bring up issues bc i didnt want to rock the boat or cause"drama"as HE called it. I called it simple communication. 🤔...
I am not letting myself contact him under any circumstances....its killing me...but it's been 3 days....which is huge for me...sad AF I know. Lol..🙄😖🤣
@Lovetennis
I went the 3 weeks with no contact, because he stopped contacting me. Then I caved on Monday. Then yesterday. Then today I remembered he took today and tomorrow off work, while I had to work. Heres the other kicker...last winter he bought "us" an SUV for me to drive in the winter to get to work, and him to use in the summer. The SUV has the app where you can use it on your phone. Well, it also has the track my driving feature. So, I can log in whenever and see just where he went and for how long. I have tried, TRIED, for a long time, and I went months without looking, but a couple months ago some voice in my head said to check it out. So I did. I found out that certain days before work he would drive to another town in the mornings. Then lately during all his silence, he has been going to other odd places that don't make sense. One of them being a 20 minute stop at a boutiqe hair salon here in town. I know he cuts his own hair...he wasn't there for a hair cut. I can't ask him about it, because he will take me off the account. He never was forthcoming with info. Even when we first met. I almost feel he lives some double life at times. He claims he is letting me use the SUV again this winter, but I feel I'm at the mercy of him now becuase he knows I need a winter driver and I would have to contact him to use it. I have the spare key still!. I can't see him having another girl at his house, since I have the house key and could show up anytime, so I don't see him risking that. Plus our photos are still up on the walls at his house. This is tough. I'm getting mixed signals from him..but, I'm trying to look at the big picture. I caved today again and called and asked to borrow some things, and he talked to me for 10 minutes. I think I'm just looking for or wanting that concrete proof that hes done, or hes seeing someone else.
@GZVMoon926
Sorry you had to go through that. In a way, I wish I did have some actual hard evidence. I sometimes think it would be easier to leave. But when I get that " oh hes talking to me" I start to feel I have a foot in the door and maybe I can make it better. I know a relationship is two equal parts, and this is so not that....I tried to play things off as we were just friends over the summer, and tried not to have any expectations, but the more I was around him, the feelings of love were still too close to the surface to try to trick myself into thinking the " just friends" way. But, aside for hand holding, he didn't want to be touched, if I asked for a kiss, he would say "why...I would get an awkward peck, but that was it. (sigh).....Something in him changed after his parents tragically died. About the time 6 years ago when he stopped being the guy I first met and turned into this....
@catmouse555 I am so sorry, maybe he is depressed cuz of his parents. But girl you deserve to be happy and you do now owe him or anyone anything. It hurts your self steam to be treated like that. You seem to have a wonderful heart and you deserve to be with someone that can see the wonderful person you are and appreciate your whole being. Maybe if you break up with him he will come to his senses and will snap out of what ever he is in and will realize that without you he is nothing.
@catmouse555. That is very interesting info about the car navigation. You definitely cant ask him bc u cant risk exposing and loosing that good secret info but I would definitely do more investigating. If somthing by chance is going on I agree with GZV u need to move on bc U DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER and you have already been very patient. You deserve to be happy and have someone show affection to you. I know u dont want to hear this...I would not...but I would turn into an fbi agent and find out where EXACTLY hes going and who is there. You dont want to keep wasting your time if hes stringing you along. I know it's not ideal...but u need to know either way. We r here to help u through it. I know it's easier said than done....but u need to know friend. 😇
@Lovetennis. Ok...I am waiting on my cable guy so I was giving your situation some thought . Shoot....I would do research on that damn hair salon .even send a trusted friend in to check it out ...then I would investigate those stops he was making out of town!! I am not trying to make u paranoid...but I would find out and either be able to put it out of your mind or move on to someone that deserves you!!
I just had to add that. Thinking of you. 😇🤔😍
Dont know if anyone else may agree? Know it may sound psyco...but sometimes we have to do what we have to do.
@Lovetennis
Hey there. I ended up spending Saturday with him. It was awkward for sure. Minimal conversation. We went out for pizza. He still says I can use the car this winter, but I feel odd doing so. In fact, it's very odd being around him. I feel like theres so many questions I want answers too, but wont get. So we sit there in silence mostly. I stayed over, but when we are in bed, he pushes the blankets between us so there is like a little wall. He will slide all the way over to the side of the bed. No touching. Then he gets up at 7 and gets right on the computer right away. Phone face down when I'm there, on silent. It's like we are two strangers hanging out. We make dinner in silence, eat in silence. When I left I held my hand out, to just hold his for a minute, but all he did was shake my hand, then give me a high five. I left. So not a relationship. He wants me to come over and hand out Halloween candy. He enjoys seeing the little kids in costumes, yet, never made any effort to have his own family. I'm in the strangest situation ever. It's not all black and white, it's confusing.
@catmouse555. You are right...that's sounds really awkward. It does not sound like a relationship that you would want to he in. How have u been feeling since? Any thoughts about just ending it or dod u think about possibly looking for some answers? I think u should do somthing bc u deserve someone to make u feel like they care...as well as be affectionate etc. Situations like that can really mess with your self esteem if continued. I am happy to talk and listen to u as u need to help u through this if that would help. ...or help u in any "investing " lol but I think u need to either look for the truth or just cut your losses and find someone that deserves you....even if it hurts for a bit...bc it hurts now right?
(Again..I know..easier said than done...trust me!! )😇
@Lovetennis
I hope I'm not annonying you replying to your replies. Lol..I've been waiting to get some medical tests back, which havent'' yet, so I haven't been writing much. I have an appointment to see a counsler on Wed. I have been to one in the past, but havent found a good one since. I feel like I'm spinning in limbo here. We talked this weekend, but not about anything serious. Just about things about the car again, new tires, etc. it seems like my problem is, I'm bored, lonely, etc when we are around each other, but then when he pulls away and stops all contact, I get panicky, nervous, etc, that we aren't communicating, he does strange things when he is by himself that make me suspicious. This is my problem I need to work on. I need to cut ties here. I think it's hard because if I had more friends, or people to hang out with it would take the place of this similar "friendship." There are feelings involved here though, and those are hard to shut off. Maybe this counsler will be better then the last one I went to and actually talk back to me or give me some ideas of where to start to work on this crazy way of thinking. Things in this "relationship" aren't going to change, or go back to the way they were 6 years ago.
@catmouse555 You r not bothering me at all!! I am going through rough time also and am happy to talk and have someone to talk to myself. My friends r happily married and just dont understand my life at this stage. I have to go meet someone but I will reply later this afternoon. Maybe we can exchange info and try to communicate via email. It helps to have support. I talked to my x...and got my Hope's up...then he hurt me all over again!! Ughhhh!! I should have known.
@catmouse555 hope u r doing ok tonight. I swear I am back at the beginning with the hurt. I am so stupid. I swear this time is so much more painful than before bc I thought he changed. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I cant eat and cant stop crying today. Its pathetic!! What is wrong with me? I should have known!!
@Lovetennis I'm sooooo sorry you are dealing with this!!! I totally know how you are feeling!! Prior to this odd, screwed up relationhip, I was in a very emotionally abusive one. I kept staying long after I shouldn't have. There were weeks I couldn't get out of bed, never ate, it was so bad. SO BAD! And he was horrible. Give a little love, understanding, then knock me down, control everything....We want so, so much to believe things are different. They show us that they can be, then when they hook you back, it starts all over.
If you want to exchange email let me know. How do we go about doing that??
I spent the weekend with mine again. I sat there on Sunday wondering why do I keep hanging out with him when I'm not getting any acknowledgement? We went to dinner and hung out like friends. Sunday I made dinner and after that, it's like a switch flipped and he stopped talking altogether. I gathered my stuff up and left. I said " I don't know why you are so mad." He said, I'm not mad, I'm tired....then proceeded to text me Monday like nothing happened. I hate it!!...I see a counsler tomorrow to help me figure out how to get off this merry go round.
@catmouse555
Honestly it sounds like he doesn't want to put in the effort but also doesn't want to be the one to end the relationship. Would he go to a counselor with you?
I was in a somewhat similar situation with my husband. I admit I didn't respond well and got clingy/over-emotional, which only pushed him away more. For us, he was fairly controlling and he began ghosting me when I started to assert myself and my needs.
Best of luck to you. Even if he won't go to a counselor, you should go. Talking to a counselor helped me see that I deserved better in a relationship.
@catmouse555
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
I have been with my ?? boyfriend?? for 9 years. We do not live together. About 4 weeks ago we went out for his birthday, and spoke that weekend. The following week I had some health issues come up and I was afraid (It sounds to me like you were seeking support and reassurance from him that everything will be okay) and I sent a text. He said unless I have proof that something is wrong, then I'm fine. (He is being very dismissive and its a sign he is not able to communicate like an adult. You were seeking his love and support, and his response will only cause you to not feel safe in the relationship) I haven't heard from him since. (This is a red flag, it shows he would disappear at the first moment things are rough or when you need his support. His behavior will trigger your anxiety, and then he will often get defensive or rude) Things have been off for a while, and this just adds to it. If I want to talk to him I have to contact him. (Its important to communicate this, but theres a chance he will either get dismissive or stop putting the effort in doing this) He will communicate back, but limited. I caved in and went to his house, and he didn't have any answers to why he " stopped talking to me."(He won't be able to tell you in words because they never taught him to put feelings into words. I get the impression he felt things were getting too close for his comfort, and he disappeared on order to deal with his own emotions without thinking how this impacts you) He said things like, I'm talking to you now aren't I, (THis is a red flag, he using defensiveness and is getting irritable. You had every right to ask whats going on, however his irritability issues and not being able to cope with emotions took over. He gets defensive when he senses your anxiety, so its a sign he lacks emotional attunement and the ability to effectivetly be reassuring to you) and I'm right here, I didn't go anywhere. (He is behaving passive-agressive here, and he is making it sounds as if what you are saying is not important. His behavior will kill the safety of the relationship, and then you will feel disconnected) I asked him if I should just take my things home, (I understand you feel anxiety, but i believe this was done to get a reaction from him?) and he didn't understand why I would do that. He has made no efforts to show that he even cares in the last couple months. It hurts. (Its understandable you feel hurt and sad, his behavior is causing a lot of issues. You deserve to be understood and to have your feelings be validated. Believe in his actions, you don't deserve to go through this) He was my best friend. I feel like if I want any contact at this point, I have to go there, call, etc...(I see you have the need to contact him, it can be quite hard to stay in control of this, but i get the impression theres a difference in investment going on here) He stopped coming to my house a year ago. I'm doing all the work, yet he still claims he is in a relationship with me. (It's important that both sides invest in the relationship. I can sense your anxiety is making you over-invest in him because you feel this is the way to gain love and affection (in the same you looked for this from a parent as a child), but this over-investment caused him to feel smothered, and then he started to take you for granted. There's a constant struggle in power as well) It's all I can do to not go over there, but that just makes me look crazy. He has always been a poor communicator and maybe this is his way of saying its over without saying it? (Believe in his actions, because he is the type of person who is incapable of giving you what you need. People from traumatic background usually fall in love with people incapable of giving them what they need. This dynamic will make you over the edge with this need to constantly work hard for his love) But then he will still let me come over, answer my calls or texts, etc...so it's like he ghosted, but will still respond to me. (The moment he doesn't iniate conversations or stops talking is where you feel separation anxiety, this is where you end up doing whatever it takes to earn him back while he backs away even more. I can tell that as a child you had this need to constantly fight for love and affection so this is transfering to your adult relationships) My heart feels broken, I feel confused, sad, and lonely. (Its normal you feel this way, it truly hurts the way he is behaving. I can tell your sense of self and happiness come from him, and theres a chance you fear being alone) In the 9 years together, he stopped being any kind of intimate 6 years ago. (Your needs are not being met in this relationship. I can tell what you fear most is the fear of abandonment and fear of being alone so you often avoid confrontations, and then you begin to settle for less than what you want or need) He doesn't have any friends he goes out with, just stays home. I just want to know what to do, say...this is hard. (Honestly, you deserve far better than this. I don't see how beneficial this relationship will be for you. His behavior triggers your anxiety, and then he avoids any conversation related to how you feel. This is not a good relationship for you, and you deserve far better than this) I'm 44, hes 45.
@freshLight64
Very impressive on some of your insights. He has never been emotionally involved. Maybe in the beginning before his parents died, but not after. He has never shown, or be able to show maybe any empathy for anything I have been going through. Even when my dog died, he was crazy about her, he never asked how I felt or came to the vet with me when she suddenly seized and died. If we have any disagreement, you are right. He does disappear until I give in and "make the first move" so to say. There were some issues with him growing up, but I have never been able to find out what they were. I know he had to see someone in elementary school to work on "feelings". Draw pictures of what someone looks like when they are happy, sad, mad, etc...but he never talks about it. He never talks, period. He does say, that I need to be happy around him. All the time. It makes him upset and uncomfortable when I am mad, sad, or anything but happy. Ugh...It is hard, because at one time, when we first met, he wasn't like this at all. He communicated better, said I love you a couple times, and actually showed he cared. That is what I'm clinging to I guess. He says he hasn't changed, but he has. The only thing that I don't understand, well, relatively speaking, is that the more I give him attention, or go to his house, and spend time with him the more he starts to talk to me again. Like I'm the one who has to show him I care , and when I do, that makes him start to open up again, especially after a period of silence. Like I'm in control of him being happy or something. It seems twisted to me in a way. I know I deserve better...
@catmouse555
Very impressive on some of your insights. He has never been emotionally involved. Maybe in the beginning before his parents died, but not after. He has never shown, or be able to show maybe any empathy for anything I have been going through. (Empathy is very important in a relationship, if he doesnt have it then the relationship will fail. If his parents never showed any of this to him, then he will disregard your emotions because he won't think they are important) Even when my dog died, he was crazy about her, he never asked how I felt or came to the vet with me when she suddenly seized and died. (This is an issue right here, so he will see you sad and hurt, but he won't try to give you support because he is too afraid to be vulnerable to ask how you feel. Its just extremely hard to emotionally connect to someone who is terrified to show emotions) If we have any disagreement, you are right. He does disappear until I give in and "make the first move" so to say. (He knows you will always chase him when he disappears so it makes him think like "Okay I don't have to invest because she is doing all the work". I can tell you go after him in the same way you did when one of your caregivers did this because the anxiety and fear of being alone is overwhelming. He is also doing this as a passive-agressive way and to punish you in moments of a disagreement) There were some issues with him growing up, but I have never been able to find out what they were. I know he had to see someone in elementary school to work on "feelings". (This tells me his parents was very dismissive on how he felt and didnt met his needs. They also never taught him how to put words into feelings, so this will play a major impact on how he connects with you. He will always put at a distance, while your anxiety kicks in) Draw pictures of what someone looks like when they are happy, sad, mad, etc...but he never talks about it. (He will never talk about it because the act of sharing or showing support comes as being weak to him. The act of sharing will make him feel as if his existance is being threaten and letting you close will make him afraid of being hurt. Its impossible to have a connection with someone like this) He never talks, period. He does say, that I need to be happy around him. (This is unreasonable expectations coming from him) All the time. It makes him upset and uncomfortable when I am mad, sad, or anything but happy. (This is an indication his parents were often mad so they either physically or emotionally abuse him during this time. They also withdraw love and their presence from him while they were mad, so now he has very hard time dealing with people who are mad at him) Ugh...It is hard, because at one time, when we first met, he wasn't like this at all. He communicated better, said I love you a couple times, and actually showed he cared. (This is when closeness wasnt an issue, and when he was more invested in the relationship. The investment and attraction level are not on the same level, so he will feel smothered and often back away from you) That is what I'm clinging to I guess. (At the cost of your unhappiness?) He says he hasn't changed, but he has. (I doubt he has changed. He has been this way since he was a child. How he has changed when he has never heal from his past?) The only thing that I don't understand, well, relatively speaking, is that the more I give him attention, or go to his house, and spend time with him the more he starts to talk to me again. (He operates on a system of "I dont want to come across as weak" and "Ill wait until she interacts first because when i was child i got in trouble", so he will expect you to do everything. He doesn't believe in equal relationship, and would often have this black and white thinking about things) Like I'm the one who has to show him I care , and when I do, that makes him start to open up again, (This is an indication he withdraws from you when he feels smothered and as form of control to make you do what he wants. He is also coming across as manipulative and controlling)especially after a period of silence. Like I'm in control of him being happy or something. It seems twisted to me in a way. I know I deserve better...(Its your life, and decision, but its important to also take a look of your upbringing. You are chasing and trying so hard for a man who just doesn't care about how you feel and doesn't show any effort in being with you. This are the kind of men you are attracted to because of your upbringing.)