Considering ending things with my boyfriend
Sorry for the long post!
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3.5 years. He is the first person I have ever been in a relationship with, and he has been in a few other ones, but not as long as ours. For almost the past year, I have been having these doubts about our relationship.
We lived together for about 7 months last year and now we live back home with our parents (the reason for moving back home was not because of our relationship). But towards the end of that time, I had these thoughts going through my head like is this what I really want? And how do I know that he is the right one for me when I have nothing to compare our relationship to? I told him I felt this way and at first, he did not really understand (I really didn't either so it was hard to explain), but eventually he said that if I need to think things over while we're back with our parents, that is fine. We still hung out on the weekends and at first things were weird, but now they are pretty much back to normal. During the time when I was having this conversation with him, my mental health was not the greatest (it is a little bit better now) and I mentioned to him that I felt like there might be a possibility that taking a break might help me so I can figure myself out since it is so difficult being in a relationship when you have anxiety. He kinda took offense to this and said why can't I figure this out while we are together and that if we would go on a break, he would not wait for me because he could be looking for someone else that could be his forever or whatever during that time. That really hurt me and I took that off the table because I was afraid of what would happen otherwise.
More recently, these same thoughts that I had when we were moving out started coming back. This past weekend, we did not hang out because he went on a trip. He got drunk one night and he started saying all of this stuff about himself like how he is not worth it and that I deserve better, stuff like that. He has been saying these things a lot more within the past 6 months. I told him that night that he really needs to talk to someone, maybe a professional because some of the things he says really worry me and I feel that what I say is not helping. He just replied by saying goodnight and left me on read. I was upset and honestly came so close to ending things right there. The next day, we did not message each other until later in the afternoon and we did not really talk about what happened. He asked if I was mad at him and I said not really, I am just upset. I asked him and he said that he was a little mad so I asked what exactly he was mad at and he said it is too complicated and said he will tell me at a better time. We then started talking about other stuff. I thought he would bring up whatever he wanted to say today, but he has just been acting normal as if nothing happened.
This is so difficult for me because this is my first relationship and I have no idea what to do in this situation. I feel so lost and emotional. Is having doubts and what I am feeling normal? Or does it mean something is wrong with the relationship?
3.5 years is a long time and it’s normal to have doubts sometimes about you’re relationship but if it’s consistent then something is definitely up. Do you still love him? If you want to work through it then you can work through it together. However, you said it yourself you think time by yourself is needed. You need to be honest w yourself if you’re with him bc you want to or you feel obligated. If it feels like an obligation then save him and yourself the trouble. I wish you the best!
Thank you for the help. I will definitely think about the things you said!
commenting on this cause im dealing with something a little similar - recently me and my gf broke up because they kept having these doubts, and they claimed they loved me but kept trying to cut it off out of self insecurity, and anxiety allegedly. im taking her word for that because who am i to say it was something else? though it does feel like she genuinely fell out of love, but refuses to admit it because they might’ve wanted to have the connection we had before, but convinced their-self its impossible. but you have to ask yourself, where did these thoughts come from? what was the breaking point for you to sit back and think ‘ i don’t know if this is what i want, or if it will have any longevity. ‘ ? did something provoke this, or is it you just falling out of love without realizing it? in my opinion, nobody can answer these questions for you. only you can. and you don’t have to rush it, but whatever you do, please don’t string him on while being unsure. it will really damage his self worthy, and leave you both ultimately feeling shitty afterwards. im definitely not attacking you, this has to be tough for both of you, but i do advise you be a little more compassionate towards your boyfriend. i can’t say for certain whats running through his head because im not there to monitor a relationship that i don’t even know the half about, but if i had to guess based off everything you said, it seems to be a facade on his end. the whole ‘ i could find somebody better’ and other things, can really just be him trying to hurt you because he’s hurting. then youre both just hurting eachother. there’s never really a correct route to take when you’re in love with somebody, everything is a gamble and done out of emotion. my best advice for you is to really work through this if you confirm you love him and want to be with him, and if not, don’t force it. you’ll both be okay.
Thank you so much for your reply! It will be really helpful for me and coming from someone who's been through something similar, particularly on the other side of things. You gave me a lot of things to think over and I think they will really help guide me.