Contemplating a separation
I just don't know what to do and have felt stuck in this marriage for many years. He is a good man, but we both suffer from depression. Lately, I just can't get out of this deep hole and I feel like my depression is getting worse. I want to split, but I worry about how the kids will handle it, and I am afraid my husband's depression will get very bad. I feel like leaving would be selfish of me, but on the other hand, staying is making my depression worse.
We have tried marriage counselling, but I feel like I have tried so hard for so long and I just don't have anything left to give him. I desperately need time and space and a new start because none of us are thriving.
Getting out on my own (with shared custody) might help me feel better, but it might not. I am afraid I will never be happy. I can't make any decisions..
I could really use some advice .How do I decide which direction to go?
@sincereBlueberry5588
I just don't know what to do and have felt stuck in this marriage for many years. (It sounds like life's responsibilities took a toll on your marriage and friendship.) He is a good man, but we both suffer from depression.(Here it tells me he is probably unhappy as well, missing something vital that you both used to have) Lately, I just can't get out of this deep hole and I feel like my depression is getting worse. I want to split, but I worry about how the kids will handle it, and I am afraid my husband's depression will get very bad. (This shows me despite your personal emotional struggles, you still care deeply for him and the family) I feel like leaving would be selfish of me, but on the other hand, staying is making my depression worse. (It is never selfish to look after your fundamental needs including happiness)
We have tried marriage counselling,(again it shows that you both have felt it missing and tried to work on it) but I feel like I have tried so hard for so long and I just don't have anything left to give him.(Understandable) I desperately need time and space and a new start (You're looking for a new start which might lie within this marriage in a new direction, or by ending it in a way that feels okay) because none of us are thriving.
Getting out on my own (with shared custody) might help me feel better, but it might not. (Then this confusion is the first thing you might want to sort.) I am afraid I will never be happy. I can't make any decisions..
I could really use some advice .How do I decide which direction to go? (Perhaps you can both decide on one day weekly simply of me-time. Maybe split the weekend and have Saturday for you and Sunday for him where nobody questions anything, you just get all the time on your own to think and just "be" or go wherever you like, while the other one takes on all duties/responsibilities. Hopefully this might bring you a little space and time while remaining fair to him, keeping all your options open until you figure stuff out. If time away from him and the kids makes you feel worse, then you have an answer. If it makes you feel better, that is also an answer. At the same time, I'll share our self help guide on depression to see if maybe some coping mechanisms in here might work to get you past some difficult moments https://www.7cups.com/depression-help-online/)
@0m
Thank you for replying . You are right that life's stresses took a toll on our marriage. It started when we started our family. 2 kids with special needs aren't easy on either one of us.
I like your idea of us each having a day off. I think this could help me unwind and recharge.
I have a hard time thinking about staying and things getting better . Right now all I want to do is leave but I can't.
@sincereBlueberry5588
Thank you for replying . (You're welcome) You are right that life's stresses took a toll on our marriage. It started when we started our family. 2 kids with special needs aren't easy on either one of us. (Yes, that can be an additional challenge and it follows that perhaps you both put them first over your own needs or relationship for a long time. People mature and change over time and if they don't remain emotionally connected, that bond weakens. As the kids grow, it is possible to relearn how to connect as a couple but that needs you both to be in the right mind space for it.)
I like your idea of us each having a day off. I think this could help me unwind and recharge. (I look forward to hearing how it goes)
I have a hard time thinking about staying and things getting better . Right now all I want to do is leave but I can't. (I can understand that. When you don't yet know what's broken it becomes very hard to know what to fix or whether it's worth fixing. Take your time and space, see how you feel and please feel free to share any thoughts. I'll always reply as best as I can)
@sincereBlueberry5588
Can you get away, even just for a short time, by staying at a friend's house? My husband and I have been doing that for about 6 weeks now. We have a blended family with my stepdaughter here 2 days a week. She has the granny unit in the back to herself, but my husband is staying there when she's not there. My son stays in the house. When my stepdaughter is here, my husband stays in the house and I stay at a friend's house.
For us, reducing the time we spent together reduced the stupid everyday fighting and gave us space to talk through the underlying feelings. We've been doing this via email so neither of us says something in the moment they regret. For me, this has greatly reduced/eliminated my depression, which I think was fueled by feeling trapped in my current situation. Now that I have more autonomy, I feel more at peace, even though I am sad about the real possibility of us still divorcing.
I have threatened divorce, and I do regret saying that in anger as a response to something my husband said. Not that I regret saying it, but the way I said it has made him reluctant to commit to working through things (even though he is). So my only caution would be to be careful how you phrase it. A separation can be good to give each other some space and work through problems without the pressure of everyday life.
@peacefulforest75
Thanks for responding. I have been feeling like I need a break from everyone for years. I finally decided to book a plane ticket to visit a friend out of town. I then decided to bring my daughter with me because it's a good chance for us to spend quality time together. I think it will he a good little break.
It sounds like your plan is working for you, and I think that is awesome. I suggested to my husband that we take turns staying at the house with the kids, but he won't do that. It's unfortunate that he isn't willing to try what could be best for the kids. That makes me sad.
Best of luck with your marriage! I hope you can work it out and be happy.
@sincereBlueberry5588
I think your trip with your daughter will be fabulous! I took a trip with my son last week and we had such a great time. It's interesting...he has ADHD and had a lot of issues with defiance and temper. Since my husband and I have been separated, I've been parenting more the way I've always wanted. More empathy and understanding, but still having limits on behavior and expectations. The defiance and temper are basically GONE and my son is more cooperative and happier. Months ago a counselor suggested our son's issues were based in the conflict between my husband and me, and she was totally right. The trick now is to figure out how to keep the good things if the two of us get back together.
@peacefulforest75
That's wonderful progress with your son! It must feel good to have that response from your son.
I used to blame myself for the kid's behaviour issues, then I started to look at my husband's parenting style, and I realized that the dynamics between us could be the problem . Even though we don't fight I feel like they are picking up on the tension. That's when I started to realize that I am the only one trying to build a healthy relationship with the kids and spouse. It may just be beyond his ability to give me what I need emotionally.
Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to hear others perspectives on relationships.
@sincereBlueberry5588
Yes, that's exactly what was going on with us and my husband not meeting my emotional needs. He also talked over me to dominate parenting, and was hyper sensitive to criticism (which led me to not expressing myself and repressing my feelings). I ultimately became depressed and withdrew from not only him, but also friends and family. Our separation led me to reach out for emotional support and I'm finally emotionally healthy. I am speaking up more and not letting him hijack our conversations, sometimes using parenting strategies such as "I'm not going to argue with you about this." He's actually responding well. We'll see what happens.
