Contemplating divorce

@modestCranberry806

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things I would like to point out;

So my husband and I have been married 3 years and it has not been easy. Ever since we got married a ton of bad stuff has happened to us. His mom died about a year and a half ago after we got in a real bad fight with his parents and had just recently started talking again. (This must had been very hurtful and rough to go through, fights and arguments usually can cause so many things such as tension and stress). I was not as supportive as I should have been, I was already anxious and in a pretty bad bout of depression. (It's not easy to support others while going through depression and anxiety, so its understandable why you couldn't be there for him as much. Depression and anxiety takes a lot of space into someone mind to the point its overwhelming at times.) I did manage to pull it together eventually but he still resents me. (I'm glad you were able to pull it together, it takes strength and courage to do so. I get the feeling he is resenting you because of his insecurities and issues, so more than likely it has to do more with him than you). Then we had some really bad drama involving my brother who is incredibly selfish, self-serving and unaccountable. Don't really want to get into the details but we're still not on speaking terms and I personally have no interest. We were stuck in a really difficult living situation up until last fall. We got out of that, and the first thing that happens is his dog died, who I had known since he was 10 months old so he was pretty much my dog too. (This another loss, its hurtful going through any kind of loss, hopefully the dog is resting in peace). Since we got out our place we have been staying with friends/family, camping and living in our van. Just to be clear that was a choice, we could rent a place but the way our lifestyle is this is more practical for the time being. However it doesn't leave a lot of room for getting space. So I'm at my parents right now so we're out each others hair. And I don't even know if I'll go back. (I don't blame you for not wanting to come back, he seems to have negative emotions towards you, it makes everything feel so uncomfortable, plus other things that happened). He has alot of resentment for me and a lack of basic respect. (This is a problem, he should show you respect at all times. Respect is a very important part of any kind of relationship, without it the relationship turns into an unhealthy one. His resentment is starting to get out of hand). He thinks he can just talk to me however he wants and it should be ok. (This is someone who doesn't have emotional self control, tends to be disrespectful, thinking he could treat you however he wants, this communicates that he is not talking to you on a kind and loving way). But then if I have even the slightest tone we're fighting about it until I apologize. (Definetly he lost emotional self control, the slightest of things will set him off. You shouldn't be apoloziging because you are enabling his behavior. He should be apologizing to you, not the other way around) I'm not perfect but I know I deserve a basic level of respect in a conversation. (Perfect or not, you deserve to be treated with respect). The funny thing is we were getting along fine right before I left up until a few days ago. We were talking on the phone and he asked if I had done something, I said no and he started screaming at me and hung up. (His insecurities and past take over here, basically he felt rejected and that you didn't care about him because you didn't do what he wanted, this is all about his insecurities. He is making it all about him, and not understanding that you have a choice of saying yes or not, the way he hung up on you shows he is immature and doesn't know how to communicate like an adult. An adult wouldn't react this way, he showed zero emotional self control here. This has to do with him, not you). Ever since then we can't have a conversation without getting in a huge fight. (This is just a mess...basically he is insecure, very mad at you for no reason, so now his way of communicating is through fighting and not getting along. He is causing stress and tension on this marriage, its no longer fun being around him if he is going to behave this way) All I want is for him to apologize and not talk to me that way. (You do deserve an apology for the way he is with you, however the problem is that he is not willing to do it so this is something you can't make him do). But he says it's my fault he treats me like that. I am trying my best to make him happy but nothing seems to work. (He is distorting reality here, he is being rude and disrespectful but then blames you for the way he is behaving. You can't be around someone like this, they will only hurt you. You are trying to make him happy, but what about your happiness?) I know he is fed up with me and my issued and I can't really blame him for that. (No, its not your fault that he is insecure and doesn't have emotional self control).

The crazy thing is when I left it was just to get some space, yeah we were arguing a lot but it seemed like we'd be able to work through it especially if we had some room to breathe. (Having space isn't going to solve everything because the problem is still there, he has not work on his issues, he has not improved so more than likely his disrespectful ways will keep on happening over and over again, its like a unhealthy cycle). Now I'm wondering if we should separate for awhile or maybe just get divorced. (You tried having space and it didn't work out...he needs to solve his own issues on order for this marriage to be saved, but he is not willing to do it). The last few years have been rough but it seems like we're just getting out of the rain. Part of me feels like we didn't really have a good chance to start our marriage off on a good foot. (The disrespect and insecurities he has shown comes from his past, so those behaviors would have appear even if those tough moments didn't come. The core problem here is that he is not treating you respect, not communicating effectivetly, having resentment towards you and blaming you for everything when its not your fault). We were dealing with alot of crazy stuff that was beyond our control and it was really stressful and we started to turn on each other. I don't want to throw it away just because we had some bad circumstances but I don't know if it can be salvaged. (He is being rude and disrespectful, thinks he can talk to you however he wants, punishes you, has ill feelings towards you. You got to ask yourself; its this marriage making me happy? Do i feel loved and appreciated? Is he there for me? Does he respects and values me? Do I really think he is going to change? Does he cares about my feelings?. If the answer is no then its best if you two go your separate ways) Thank you for reading. I appreciate any perspective

From what you are describing , it just looks to me like u have both struggled with issues but separately. without feeling as a real team, wich would have made you stronger as a couple, you just built up a lot of resentment. Couples have the tedancy to create an enemy when things are hard, and if there is no one from outside, then they become each other's enemies. without giving each other a little space ,neither one of you will seek out understanding and intimacy and things get colder. Things could improve through work, therapy, and if you dont get couple therapy then you have to have a real discution on how to work it out. When you get married , it is hard to choose sides, there are no longer two people, it is them and their families,but do not neglect to take decisions about things together, it will become an :ach to his own"situation.

You need space, you need pacience so, how about start with those:)

Thank you both for responding....still don't know what I'm going to do. I tried calling him earlier but he's not answering so I guess I'll have to wait to talk to him. I don't know what's going to change. We've had alot of conversations and it sometimes improves but it doesn't last. We've talked about going to a counselor but we've been in a state of upheaval basically since we got married but especially the last year and it's hard to even find a counselor where we live. It's really the ambivalence that's driving me crazy, just not knowing what to do. Neither of us want to get divorced, unless that's changed for my husband since the last time we spoke. But I'm so tired of fighting, I know he is too and I wonder if it's the kindest thing for everyome.