Dated my best friend and it didn't work out
So I'm 21, a graduating college senior, andI made the mistake of dating within my main group of friends for my first relationship, which was fine until it wasn't. What happened was that we spent months getting to know each other, building up an even stronger friendship than we'd had before, we had a lot of fun and spent a lot of time alonetogether and complemented one another very well, and once we went back to school (it was a long distance thing from start to finish, we go to school about two hours apart)I built up the courage to ask him how he felt about me, and the relationship started from there.
The first three months of the relationship were wonderful and I'd never been so happy and so comfortable with another person in my life, but at around the fourth month something very suddenly changed for him. I still don't know why (maybe the distance was harder on him than it was on me? Maybe because of stresses affecting him in his life? Either way, he never talked to me about it) but at some point around this time he started this gradual drop-off; us texting one another daily about everything slowly turned into me texting him first every time and struggling to keep conversations going, he wouldn't talk to me about anything (by this I mean both important things and that he wouldn't really participate in lighthearted back-and-forth conversation, there suddenly always had to be a point to everything I talked about or he wasn't interested), he became meaner and more cynical and would say really awful things to me every once in a while and would never apologize for them, he became more easily offended, and worst of all he became outright neglectful of me. Despite all of that, I did love him and we were usually good with one another in person, but during the week when we couldn't see each other, he would close himself off from me all over again. But I loved him and figured he was just going through something right now so I was willing to give him time and work on it once we were both out of school for the summer (I'm graduating in a couple of days so I have a lot going on in my life right now and wanted to be able to give him the attention he deserves, so I was going to wait).
Then, kind of out of nowhere, he broke up with me. This devastated me. It wasn't at all what I wanted and, since he never talked to me about anything that was going on with him, I had no idea he was even close to the point of breaking up with me; things weren't great but I've seen other people's relationships in far worse condition than ours. The reasons he gave me were entirely unconvincing and basically boiled down to him not feeling like our personalitieswere compatible, which makes no sense considering the months we spent together before the relationship and the first three months of the relationship (which, together, amount to a greater amount of time than the four months in which we weren't doing as well as we had been). There are other factors that I feel like definitely could have at least contributed to his decision, like the fact that I'm graduating college and he won't be for a few more years, and the fact that he found out that he can't come home for the summer like he did last year.At this point it's been about a month and a half, and the whole thing has really taken a toll on me. I can't help but still want to get back together with him, cause I think we still work very well together in general and I still care about him more than I've cared about most people in my life, but he made up his mind about this whole thing a long time ago without consulting me at all, and I don't think there's anything I can say or do to convince him this was a mistake. And I know that I should forget about it and that I deserve so much better than someone who stops showing me he cares about me after three months, but I also know how capable he is of being so much better than he was to me. I'm very conflicted by the whole thing.
Anyway, currently we're taking a break from having direct contact with one another; I haven't seen him in about a month when we had a very pleasant conversation in person about the breakup, and since then we've only had one short, friendly conversation about how things are going in each of our lives. I know that I should move on and forget about him as anything more than a good friend, but I really don't want to, and I don't want him to, either.
I feel like you really need closure about the whole thing. Like you said, you had no idea he was that close to breaking up with you until he did, you had no idea what was going through his head. The reason he gave you doesn't seem convincing to you, so you'll keep wondering. Just have an honest conversation. Call him, tell him that you noticed he was getting distant and pulling away, but you wanted to give him time to sort things out. Tell him that you think his reason isn't real because of how compatible the two of you seemed before, and just be upfront about needing true closure. Ask him what was really going through his head in those months leading up to the breakup, etc. Basically tell him what you wrote here. I know it might be hardbut unless you're honest with him, you'll never know what really happened.
We actually did talk about a lot of that when we talked in person that one time. He told me upfront that his reasons really didn't amount to much more than his perception that we don't work well together. He didn't like that we were arguing about dumb things every once in a while (it really wasn't that often but I guess even that was too often for him, even though we were a lot worse about that before we started dating). Basically, he told me all that he seems willing to tell me about it and I really don't know whether or not that's all there is to it; to me it just seems so easy and so completely addressable, I just feel like he completely overreacted about all of this and entirely convinced himself of something that just isn't true, and that we both lost a promising relationship because of it, and that kills me.
I know that I will need to have a very serious conversation with him again, but I'm so bad at getting my thoughts across in person in a way I'm satisfied with and I'm much better at it when I sit down to write or type it out, so that might have to happen in some sort of letter format, dramatic as that can seem (I've been reluctant to because that seems a little bit bordering on "crazy ex-girlfriend who's still obsessed with her ex-boyfriend who doesn't feel anything for her anymore" and I'm afraid of driving him away). I just think that in his mind, he's already told me everything he's going to tell me about this, so I don't know if I really can get complete closure in a way that I'd like to, but I can at least make him aware of how I feel about all of this, but I don't know if whether or not doing that would be a mistake.
I don't think that telling him how you feel about all of this would be a mistake. I say take the risk and try.
I probably will, but I'm going to give it a little more time. I just finished school so now I have a lot more time to focus on getting myself to a steadier place with this, which I'd like to do before revisiting the situation with him.
I will tell you, I just had a break up like this and the thing that you might not be taking into account is that this guy is a selfish jerk. He loved you and wanted you until he didn't and was too afraid to deal with honesty and being uncomfortable with your response. He's probably a coward and a child and needs serious help.
I will tell you, I just had a break up like this and the thing that you might not be taking into account is that this guy is a selfish jerk. He loved you and wanted you until he didn't and was too afraid to deal with honesty and being uncomfortable with your response. He's probably a coward and a child and needs serious help.
Oh no don't worry I've definitely taken that into account, he's a good guy when he tries to be but when he lets himself get like this, he does become very selfish, and this is probably one of the worst times I've seen with him.He definitely has a lot of growing up to do, I've always known that but I know it now more than ever. I'm only worried that he won't realize that, or that he won't realize it for a long time, but maybe that's what it takes for some people.I just hope he realizes it eventually, before he finds someone who will marry and have kids with him and he makes them and himself all miserable for the rest of their lives.
I mean it's not like he was a total stranger, we were best friends going into this so I knew him really well already and was already pretty aware of his faults, but they became so much worsethroughout the relationship for whatever reason. I've seen how good he can be; I wouldn't have dated him in the first place if I didn't think there was a lot of good and at least a lot of potential in him, but he's really fallen off the map over the last few months and isn't willing to acknowledge that and is also completely unwelcoming of criticism from friends (as I said, easily offended, and a tendency to cut himself off from people who offend him without much of a second thought, which is something I've been afraid of him doing to me, but I'm starting to get angry enough that I don't care as much about that possibility, though it would kill me to lose a friend or to break up our group, but he's left the group and come back before, so I don't know what would happen). There are reasons he's like this, things that have happened in his life with his family and everything, but I know that's no excuse for the way he acts towards other people. I'm also pretty surethat he has undiagnosed clinical depression, but I know that he isn't willing to consider that possibility, and, again, that's also not an excuse, but it would explain a lot. Basically, yes he needs help, but where he's at right now, he isn't willing to accept it, and there's really nothing I can do about that, much as I'd love to.
betterintime, I'm your age and would love to chat about this more, as I'm also going through a breakup with someone I really, really loved and cared about.
I'm sure he was great as a friend, but a lot of the things you mention point to a lot of immaturity/commitment issues. He, quite frankly, wasn't ready to take responsibility for things he did wrong in the relationship. And for your own happiness and sanity, it's crucial to be in relationships with people (men?) who willworkfor the relationship and be willing to tough things out with you. A man who's struggling with his own issues will not be able to provide you that -- find men who are emotionally available! I honestly don't think there was anything wrong with you, and you probably didn't do much wrong in the relationship. It'shim. It really is. Trust me. <3
As tempting as it is to help him through his problems, you need to focus on you!Tend to your hurt feelings. Sometimes, he may be willing to give things another go. If he's a halfway decent guy, he's probably having a lot of difficulty facing the fact that he "let things go" in the relationship. He most likely realizes you deserve better, and doesn't want to come back in and cause you unnecessary pain. I'm a firm believer in second time arounds, but these only workout wellif you're not afraid of life without your ex-partner, and completely willing to let it go!
You're completely right about all of that, I know, it's just a really difficult thing to accept and move on from. I wish there was something I could do, I feel so powerless and like my only option is to just be miserable until I'm not anymore, which I hate. He's come back to our mutual friend group over the past few days after giving me some time (which I didn't actually ask for, but maybe it was for the best, in retrospect), so I'm not sure in what way that'll affect my progress in dealing with this, but I think it might be a good thing, at least until he jumps into his next relationship, which I don't expect to be long from now (though it could be; there was a 1-2 year gap between his last relationship and me, with some flings here and there, so who knows). I don't expect to be very happy when that happens, and I honestly dread the idea of it more than anything else. I'm still figuring out how I'm supposed to talk to him and how we're supposed to interact within the group, basically starting back at square one, and it sucks but it's better than nothing and I think progress is already being made in regards to that, too. It's impossible to know what'll happen in the future and that terrifies me, but no choice now but to just go along with it, right?
I think the best approach when dealing with breakups, especially if you would rather one day get back together, is to go with the grain? Don't force things. Don't force a friendship, don't force things to go back to how they were, and definitely don't force a relationship. <3 You got this!
Is there some way for you to get more space from him?
Yeah, that's what I'm going to try to keep doing, as sad as it makes me at times. And as things are, we actually have a good amount of space from one another. He's only able to come up here on weekends when he's not doing anything else, so I don't see him very often right now, only every once in a while, and that's the way it's going to be at least all this summer, and for the foreseeable future. And he told me that if I ever feel uncomfortable having him around I can just tell him that and he'll understand, but I feel like I'm past that at this point, anyway (hopefully).
<3 That's great. How are you holding up emotionally?
I've been pretty miserable, honestly. I really didn't think this would happen; I figured if we ever did break up it would be at least partly my decision; we had little problems and arguments here and there but they never really amounted to much for me and I was always willing to overlook them (and his increasingly bad attitude)because I valued our relationship more than some petty arguments that all couples have, but I guess he didn't, and that sucks.I didn't want or even expect this at all and it really kind of destroyed me (and other circumstances in my life certainly didn't help, I've been very stressed out and lonlier than ever for at least a solid month now)
:/ I really wish we could talk about this? I'm having so many similar issues with my relationship ending too...
Yeah, and there's no PM system on this site is there? And I don't think I'm allowed to share even a spare email address... But you're welcome to keep talking here! You could tell me about your situation if you want, maybe we can help each other.
Yeah!! Honestly I keep going between still remembering him as that lovely person who cherished me and the person who hurt me really badly. I either feel anger or love and sometimes both together and it's so very confusing :|.
That's exactly how I've been feeling throughout all of this! But fact is that right now he's not that person who cherishes you, or even values you enough to fight for you, so it's probably best to move on. Grow from it and find someone who will be what you deserve and who cares about you as much as he says he does and is more than willing to show it, it'll happen; what may or may not happen is him growing up enough to see what he did wrong and care enough about anyone except himself to do something about it, so don't wait around banking on it, focus on you; that's the realization I've been coming to at this point. Maybe he was worth the effort before but he's proven himself not to be now, or at least that's my situation.
It's perfectly okay to remember those good times, but don't let them cloud your memories of the bad times, and don't let them distract you from the bad parts of your relationship. He wasn't willing to do what he could to maintain the relationship, so don't torture yourself over losing it, because he probably doesn't care nearly as much as you do, and you deserve someone who does and who always will.
Absolutely agreed hun. <3 He doesn't care and that thought is what helps me move on for now. In fact, he's indifferent -- probably not even mad at me or anything. He's having a good time!
I don't want to sit around thinking about how we may happen. This sounds awful but I'm really letting myself be mad at him; I need to move on with my life.
Yup, it's been just over a month but my ex is already dating other people and really doesn't care about any of it, so I'm really not happy with him right now. I just don't understand why he feels the need to already be dating so incredibly soon after the breakup when he could just as easily not, especially since I'm still one of his close friends, he had to know I'd find out and be upset by that. I talked to him about it and he said it just doesn't take him long to get over breakups, but this still seems way too soon.It just makes me feel like shit, like I meant even less to him than I ever realized. So yeah, I'm pretty much done there, much as it pains me to say it.
hi dear how r u
I'm not great, and I haven't really even reached "okay" yet,but I'm a lot better off than I was a month agoso there's definitely been progress!
Wow, I just had pretty much the exact thing happen to me. I didn't think that this type of break up was common butI suppose it really is. I am actually in high school, so I don't have much advice for you. However, almost everything in your experience matched up with mine completely. Even the month number. I've been going though an extremely hard time with this too and I just wanted to let you know someone who is currently experiencing similar feelings supports you(:
I'm really sorry to hear that! I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone... but I'm glad I'm at least not alone with this. It sucks having strong feelings for a person who stops feeling anything for you for whatever reason, but sometimes you have to move on and focus on yourself. I'm going to try my best to keep him around as a friend see where the future takes all of us I guess. I'm sure a year from now I'll wonder how I was ever stupid enough to date him, but I don't think I'll ever regret the relationship. So my advice to you would be to move on, too, focus on yourself and where you're going and don't pay him/her any more attention than you absolutely have to; especially where you're in high school, I can tell you from experience that most people don't really keep (at most) more than a couple of their high school friends, people grow apart from one another and spread out and it gets harder to spend time together and keep friendships active; you'll probably meet so many people in college and you'll probably date some of them, so start looking forward to those experiences and focus yourself on getting there! There's nothing wrong with remembering the good times you had with someone, but if at all possible, don't waste your time pining over someone who wasn't mature enough to be what you deserve. Trust me, I've had a lot of time to consider all of this, haha!