Dated my bestfriend of 6 years. Now I'm lonely
Okay so I'd like to apologise first for the length of this story. I'll try to keep this short. My bestfriend and I met 6 years ago online. Since then we had been inseparable. He was the guy I told everything to. Things I couldn't bare say out loud even. He's helped me through every major thing in life. And I did the same for him. You know those people you can call at any time of the night and they would pick up the phone without hesitation and listen to you ramble about stupid stuff. That's how we were with eachother. We spent 6 years without seeing each other in real life. He's in Europe while I live in the Middle East. I always had a hunch he liked me but never admitted to it. Anyway one day he says he can't spend another day not seeing me so he jumps on a plane and comes sees me for 10 days. The moment we see each other you could sense there was this instant thing were we both panicked,we felt something. One thing leads to another we sleep together during those 10 days. Cuddling making out, just like a couple. He leaves, we both cry and talk even more online, then starts the jealousy and the confusion of "what are we?" We both decided against dating as it's long distance and we didn't want to ruin our friendship. 2 weeks later he admits he's fallen in love with me and can't stand this so he buys a ticket for a week later and comes sees me for a week. He asks me out, I say what the hell and we start dating. Everything was great, he was so affectionate and loving and I felt like the luckiest girl alive. He always told me that I was the love of his life and that he was so scared of losing me. He would say I was his soulmate and I've been what he has been looking for for years. That I was it, I was THE ONE. All his affectionate made me fall for him instantly and hard. Then his grandad passed away, whom he was super close to. He was devastated but he shut himself down. He became this distant emotionsless person. I was so confused as to why he no longer told me nice things. I knew he was in grievance but I still didn't understand and then the fights began. He became so snappy at me he would yell at me for the most smallest things ever. He became petty and mean at times. One night got drunk and broke up with me because of the most ridiculous thing ever. Cuisines, we didn't agree on them and he dumped me. Next day he calls crying apologising for his actions and tells me he loves me with all his heart and craves a life with me and that he fucked up so big and ruined with best thing to ever happen to him. I take him back the lack of affection continues and then one day he snaps out of it and tells me he's back and he's so sorry for putting me through all that crap and that I've seen the worse of him and still stuck by him and that makes him any to marry me instantly and that he would do anything to keep me in his life forever. We turn into this sappy lovey Dovey couple for 2 weeks. One night we argue about a stupid thing again. And suddenly he breaks up with me saying we fight too much(we only fought during his emotionless times and since he was back to normal it was the first argument in weeks) I'm confused cos everything was going great but he's made up his mind and also tells me that the distance is taking a toll on him and has turned him into this needy over thinking person and he doesn't like it. And calls it quits. It's confusing cos he was just here a month and ago and I had applied for a visa to go see him in a months time. Now I have lost both my bestfriend and boyfriend and I don't know what to do. 1 day after dumping he posts snapchats of him partying kissing a girl on her cheek and other selfies with girls from his work place. I'm deeply hurt because he has never been So mean to me. He had always acted so careful in order to never cause me pain or harm anyway. He has always been so protective and now I don't understand how he could act like this. Please give me advice what do you think hes after. Why would he do this to me. Thank you and sorry for the super long text
@calmEast369
Hi, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time! It sounds like a very confusing and lonely place to be in, and it's completely alright to rant about it here. Not only is this a romantic break up, but a friendship one as well, and that is doubly devastating. No break up is every easy and much of the time it doesn't make sense at all to one side; it seems like the partner out of nowhere starts acting completely inconsistently/opposite to all the years of friendship and affection. Moving from best friends to romantic partners is also a very tricky process - it can be exhilirating and the foundation of a solid future together, or it can be burn too hot and fast and leave the relationship exhuasted.
It sounds like he may have sort of burned through his emotional capacity; the 'drama' of separation and reuinion and the 'honeymoon' phase of the relationship - it sounds like it went fast and intensely, with him traveling to see you and you both realising and declaring deep feelings and the possibility of serious commitment. It sounds like you both were going through an intense emotional high, and then his grandfather passed and he snapped shut. We all fall pretty hard when we lose someone close to us, and he may have fallen even harder because he was so high emotionally to begin with. Going from being in total love to loss and grief can be quite a snap. We all deal with grief in different ways, and he may have been exceptionally confused, and maybe even bitter, as his life was going great one second and very badly the next. It may have felt terribly unfair for him, and he was bad at handling his emotions. Often, we take out our frustrations on the ones we love most because they are always there and to an extent we may feel that it's 'safe' to be mean to them, because they won't leave as easily.
He seems to have at least realised he was irrationally directing his anger towards you, and was aware that he was going through a terrible time and was sorry about it. While that's great, it could still have been only a moment of clarity in an otherwise still very hard time. Perhaps he needed to keep this fragile illusion of normalcy and happiness, but small things building up still caused him to burst again. Long distance does take a toll on everyone, and perhaps it was too stressful to put in the effort into an emotional relationship while not having the closeness or attention he might have needed. Him partying like that right after your break up sounds like something that a lot of us have been through, and is likely a bad coping mechanism to sort of show himself everything's going just fine, when it isn't - sort of an ego boost. It's quite immature, but also quite natural, and of course it definitely hurts.
Whatever he's going through, it is unfair he yo-yoed with your emotions like that, especially the second time. After the first time when he apologized, it sounded quite sincere, but it may have been a little early.
@WildUnknown wow that was so helpful thank you very much! Some people are telling me him leaving so suddenly is because he's found someone else. I don't know what to think. I wanted him back but after he posted those photos, especially with those girls whom one being someone he wanted to sleep with when he was single but didn't succeed and another who has a crush on him. He knew I didn't like both these girls yet he chose to upload a couple of drunk selfies with them on snapchat which he doesn't use often and never posts party photos. He chose to hurt me and that doesn't make me want him back. Not anymore. But I want to know what must be going through his head to hurt me like that.
@calmEast369
Don't apologize for the length of the story. Even a year is hard to write about so 6 years is definitely a lot more and harder to define or sumarize. So don't apologize for having the courage to write about it and trying to understand what's up. Hope things get easier for you.
