Dating Trauma / Advice
Hello all. This is my first time writing on one of these forums and I'm quite nervous. Its hard to find the words to describe the mental stress I'm under relating to my current relationship. I M(25) have been with my partner (F)27 for 4 years now. We met in person and instantly connected, we fell in love hard and very fast. For initial context she has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) as well as Clinical Depression and Anxiety which can make things very challenging for me (who doesn't have any mental diagnoses)
After college, we decided to move in together (not a good idea) in a small place in Chicago. We did well for months, but deep down I was struggling with my own demons and struggles. I have been a Porn Addict since I was 11, and long story short my addiction got to a place that was not controllable. She discovered everything, and I mean everything that I had been so afraid to face. Understandably, she felt that she needed to leave ASAP. This discovery nearly tore us apart for good.
We worked tirelessly through the challenging times, and ended up on the other side a more honest and whole version of ourselves. Flash forward to today, (nearly 2 years) and we've moved back in together. Its been a year, we resigned our lease back in May and have adopted 2 cats. All that said, she is in a funk, and has been for the better part of 6 months. Her mother was diagnosed with Cancer, so was her Grandpa... She has been struggling so much, and finally just burst. She wanted to speak about feeling disconnected with me, and that suddenly she wasn't sure of us anymore. She wanted to speak on the feeling of losing herself, and why its making her think uncoupling will be the best option.
I reacted in a panic, doing anything I could do to change her mind or get her back on our path. Despite my efforts, its simply not what she needs anymore. She only wants space and has let me know she loves me, and doesn't want to leave, but needs time to properly address her concerns without my influence. I want to give her this space, but my inner issues are making it feel impossible. I feel so stuck on how to love myself and not anxiously attach to her. My mind knows not to push her away and provide pressure, but my needs and concerns of abandonment feel so present at all times. I find it hard to trust that a break will bring her back to me, things feel so stuck in place and I feel like all she is wanting a break for is to soften the blow on the breakup.
I am so exhausted, not sleeping, and physically depressed. Is this too much for a 25 year old to be working through for love? How can I find the strength to advocate for me and love myself instead of people pleasing / latching on?
P.S. thank you to whoever can bear with my long first post...
@saaved12
Welcome to seven cups and thank you for your incredible honesty and for sharing your vulnerabilities. I am honoured to share in your journey even a little. It's clear you are a good person and you love your gf, and you've both been through so much. Hard times can bring us closer but also they can fundamentally not allow us to see what we really need from a relationship. Your gf is going through so much, with her mother, her grandpa,her mental health struggles and as hard as it is now, you need to carve out time for you, daily, manageable steps because you matter. We cannot find some happiness in one person. It needs to come from our own self. You need to exercise, eat well, sleep, do things you love and are passionate about. Give your gf space,but give you time too, to reflect and if this relationship is meant to be, it will be. You matter, and you deserve love and happiness and I genuinely hope that you get it 💜🥰
@Amanda84 What you’re going through is a lot, but it doesn’t mean you’re weak for feeling overwhelmed. Learning how to love without losing yourself is one of the hardest things, especially when old wounds like abandonment are being triggered. You’re not failing, you’re growing through something really real and human.
I hope you keep being kind to yourself through this. You deserve support too, not just to be strong for others. Thanks for sharing so honestly.
@WildBloom
You have such a kind heart, thank you 💜💕
@saaved12
I promise you I’m not being mean when I say this, but for me if I were in your shoes F (23) I would’ve been having the red flag signs on the back burner just in case when I’m reflecting on the relationship I’m not wearing my love goggles on anymore- I’m actually looking for the red flags, and where it all turned upside down at. And this is what I noticed and also am still trying to learn:
She didn’t understand your addiction.
You didn’t feel comfortable telling her, and for me I think that in any relationship both parties need to feel comfortable around each other, right?
Sometimes people are only here for a season, or sometimes people are here for a good time; not a long time. And if you’re intuition is craving that someone who is here for a long time then don’t stop looking and don’t settle for anything less than.
Be proud of yourself for letting someone in because that shid ain’t easy. Lol.