Divorce imminent
My wife and I are hitting a very rough spot. This has been building and building for the last year and a half or so. Times have been tougher than anticipated. There seems to be a lot of that going around.
Anyway, she lost a younger sister around three years ago to drugs. That hit her really hard. Since then, she has become more and more emotionally abusive and controlling. At this point, I no longer have contact with any of my friends and do nothing but go to work and go home. Doing more than that causes her to become very irate and then I receive a verbal beating. She has steadily made it so that I am uncomfortable with everything. I can't even laugh at something for fear that it's something that she thinks isn't funny. If so, then I have to hear about it for an hour or so.
I've tried to work with it. I remain calm. I do everything I can to not escalate things, but they always end up escalating.
At this point, she has pushed and pushed me so much that I am no longer myself. I no longer have desires and dreams. I'm in the deepest depression that I have ever been in and she doesn't see it. I've even said it and she dismisses it. She has pushed me so much that I no longer desire her. I can't even force myself. She has an issue with this and berated me for it just recently.
How can I lust after someone who has been systematically destroying me?
Oh you are going through such a tough time and you have my empathy. You are right when you say that emotional abuse systematically destroys you.. It strikes at the very soul and undermines your confidence and sense of self. I would suggest that you really need to start looking after your self, like getting help for the depression, and reaching out to others who can support you. Then it is likely you will have more strength and confidence to do what you need to do. There is life after emotional abuse and its possible to recover and thrive again. We are here to support you too.
I have found some people who will help me through this. That has been a huge help. This website was a catalyst in that initial push.
So glad to hear this @elongtedtorso. And that you have found people to support you. Wishing you well for now and into the future.
So many things get tangled together when two people get married. I had no idea just how difficult that part would be to even get started. The emotional side of this is already difficult enough.
I see now why so many people simply accept the bad and stay. This is not easy at all.
Yes, you make a decision to part, that this chapter is over, and there is a sense of relief. But as you say it doesn't end there and you realize that so much of your lives are intertwined and "tangled" So then comes the sorting and deciding on how this is to be done... when there are children how are you going to parent, who gets what of what you jointly share...its not an easy time as you say. Probably the best most can manage is to do this as fairly and civilly as you can. And to be supported by others, professionals and family and friends.
i know what you mean about people just accepting it and continuing in a bad situation. I'm going through some of this myself right now. it's confusing, and you don't know what to do...
As many have said to me, you have to do what makes YOU happy. I realize that this isn't always the easy choice, but it is the right one.
Hi, I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time in your marriage. Has your wife ever seen a therapist about her loss? She may also be depressed and unaware that that is what's going on. Depression can manifest in many ways including irritability and anger. I think you should talk to her about getting help even if it is difficult to do so. Was your relationship good before now? If so, wouldn't it be worth doing the work to make it good again? If it wasn't, or if she won't get help even if it means losing your marriage, then there's nothing you can do, but it seems like it would be worth trying. That's what marriage is all about isn't it?
She is adamantly against therapy. She says that it ruined her teenage years since she had been forced into it by her mother. I've tried talking to her, it doesn't help. She makes everything about me. The relationship was great for the first year or so, but has been a steady decline since then. I have done everything that I can do and all I end up doing is giving more and more until I have nothing left to give.
My wife now tells me that we can get a divorce, but that I will have to take the baby when that happens. I have no problem with that, but I asked her why. She says that she is going to kill herself because she will then have no one. How do I deal with that?
Oh this is so hard for you....I am sorry to hear it has come to this.Think its really important now that you get some support. Support for your self and for your wife.There is support and @sofiagrace has suggested some appropriate websites. Please look at doing this...and remember we are here for you.
I'm sorry your wife is against therapy. She clearly needs it. I've been in a similar situation... Not that long ago. I wish I'd known that my ex was manipulating me into staying with him by saying he would kill himself if I left. I believed him because he's attempted suicide about four times and has the scars to prove it. I didn't know what to do either, but I think leaving would have been better for me in the long run. I found this website that has a number you can call. Maybe they can advise you what to do. Or possibly try The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK.
https://www.thehotline.org/2014/08/when-your-partner-threatens-suicide/