Don’t know what to think, feel, or do

I'm new to this group, but I"m glad it exists because I need to connect with someone/people who are feeling the same things as me. I've got a lot of feelings and thoughts about my break up that I try to process and understand that they're valid. So I met my ex two years ago in October. We instantly were connected and became best friends. I felt safe, understood, heard, and loved more then I ever have been my entire life. At the time we met I had a long off goal of going to grad school, but kept getting rejected from my top school. He understood that eventually I'd be leaving to go back to school, it was something we discussed this a lot. He was all for me pursuing my dream, said he'd be ok at home just playing games and working. He even said he'd come up and visit me, fly up in case the winter weather was too bad to drive. I honestly felt like he was the person I was meant to marry, he just completed me in a way I've looked for all my life. He has been the only person to look at my major baggage and issues I've got and said, "that's ok I'll get you a better suitcase and carry it for you". He looked at all my brokeness and said I'll go get some super glue and help you put the pieces back together. So I moved to school which is 4 hours away from him, and things were going ok. I could tell there was a little extra stress because of the distance, but we did what we could to talk often. A little after our one year anniversary he asked me a question that started the downward spiral. He asked if he could sleep with other people while I was at school, not necessarily an open relationship. Just that having a person to have regular sex with. He's a very sexual person, uses it to cope/destress. It crushed me, we talked about it for a long time. But I couldn't get myself to say yes and allow it. It felt like he'd be cheating on me; he felt like it was just meaningless sex with someone, no attachement.I know what he asked wasn't right, or acceptable. We ended up breaking up a few months later. I felt like my world had ripped apart, I've never felt this things I felt in the months that followed. I physically was in pain, different areas on my body everyday. We came to the conculsion that we can still be friends, just not together. So I still hear from him almost everyday, he is the one and only person I can tell anything and everything too without being judged, he's the only one in my life that supports me. I couldn't let him go entirely, and he felt the same way. I see him when i occasionally come home, it brings me happiness to see him. He makes me laugh, and he calms me, and pushes me to keep going after my goals. My major conflict right now, is I still have feelings for him. I think I always will. It's been 10 months since we broke up and my feelings haven't faded, probably because i still talk to him and see him. But I was hoping that time would help, but it's really made it worse. I'm trying to focus my attention on someone else, talked to a few guys and nothing comes of it except finding out they just want a physical relationship. I can't help but feel like he was my one and only shot at feeling what I felt with him, that i'll end up alone. That nobody will really understand me like he did. There was a discussion about getting back together after I was done with grad school, or at the very least see where each other was at at that time. I don't want to miss out on someone else good while I wait for that time to come, but I also don't want to pass up what we had. I know what he asked was unaccetable, but i still can't help how i feel. I turned 30 this month, and have been having a lot of thoughts about what i want in life, and how i haven't accomplished much of it by the age i wanted to. i've never been more lonely then I am right now. And i don't know what to do about it. Sorry about the thesis book I wrote, like i said i've got a lot of thoughts and feelings about all this and no where for them to go.