Emotional Abuse
I’m new here. I’m desperate. 9 years together, 5 years married. We have one toddler together and that’s all. Things started to get really bad once we had our baby girl in 2019. He’s told me bad things and I’ve felt pretty shitty because of it until I started to learn what verbal abuse is, manipulation and gaslighting. Every time i reach out to him with a concern of something he said hurt me, he denies and denies until it becomes a huge argument and I end up crying and feeling worse than at the beginning. He is perfectionist, very controlling and manipulative. He plays victim, and lacks emotional intelligence. He can’t empathize! We’ve had 7 months of marriage counseling and it has done NOTHING! My mind goes in ups and downs, I’m starting to feel helpless. I’m far away from my family and friends. If I leave I have to move to my family but they have their own divorce and needy drama, and I’ll struggle financially. Not sure which life is harder and which to choose. Will my daughter be better off with her dad far away? They love each other. Will my daughter hate my if I leave him 10 years instead of now? I’m a mess, I’m devastated. I want this family to work, I want my house, I wanted one more baby. I’m 33 not so young to wait for another relationship and start all over with babies. My parents are very religious and I’m the complete opposite and don’t want to go back to that religious environment again. Idk what to do!!! Our local marriage counselor just goes in circles and doesn’t spot the red flags of abuse. And he’s really good at making his case and switching topics so she gets shifted to some other problem instead of addressing his manipulation, etc. It’s devastating to see it isn’t working.
Think about ur mental health first of all. Because for kids , kids shouldnt have to go through unhappy parents marriage ,it will have a bad impact for their rest of its life. Try to find some work first for u to b independent so u could help your kid and be there for ur kid when she need u. Don't depend on others.
Thank you. If I find work first I need to find it back in my home state and officially move away from him. So I would have to fly out first, stay at my mom or dads a few weeks while I find work. If I’m doing this then I need to find a lawyer so make sure I’m backed up with legal right of child custody. So it becomes bigger and bigger planning and I just can’t get the strength to do that. I just want things to be like they used to be a few years ago and everything would be a lot easier!!
@oliveStrawberries1552,
well, things are not longer like they were. I know what verbal abuse can do to someone. Sticking with someone who is abusive, like, that's how that person simply is, will "kill" you, sooner or later. The longer you stick with it, the more he will gain power over you. Be your own power, your true srlf does not depend on others, neither does your hapiness. Don't come up with excuses, take a deep breath, and listen to your self. Don't assiume. How about visiting your family, with your kid, for a few weeks? If they love you, they will understand what you're going through. Even if they might not agree. You are too valuable and too beautiful to allow yourself to not be your self. Take care!
This is so helpful to read. I did visit my family back home with my girl for 3 weeks without him.. and it was very nice but also hectic. I’m in a vulnerable place with small kid and don’t want other family members helping me raise my child in a different way than I want. Also my parents are divorced and still have a lot of drama that put me in the middle until I moved away in 2016. So I am debating on what problems are worse, mine now or going back to another hard life of being single mom. :(
I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation and empathise with what you are going through. Your story sounds very similar to mine except my partner did end up leaving my toddler and I. I also do not have a strong support system close by which is very hard. I would suggest first reaching out to your family and discussing the situation and your options. Maybe they can pull through for you in ways you did not expect which will help you deal with the situation. In regards to your toddler, it's so so hard. They need to have both their parents in their lives where possible and a baby missing their parent is the most heartbreaking thing in the world. However, leaving him does not mean that your child will not have a relationship with their father, it will just be different and if the child is really a priority in their life then you will have to work together to sort something out that is mutually beneficial for the child, first and foremost. It's really hard, it's like your hopes and dreams come crashing down. Just focus on yourself and your precious child for now and don't worry about possible future children or things like that. You are both alive here and now and need to be at the forefront of your thoughts. Best of luck
You’re so kind to respond to my post. Thank you for empathizing with me. I feel devastated because I never imagined I would be in this situation, let alone this soon and with a small child together. I’m debating speaking with my dad about this. I’m very close to him and have a good relationship so he would be the one to vent to. But I’ve been advised that if I tell him everything then it’s official that I must make a move and leave him because I’m breaking that illusion. If I tell him I can’t stay and put my family in a position to pretend to like him. I just want my shush and to not gaslight me, to not manipulate, to not lie. I want him to empathize with my side of the relationship and hear me out. I want to work with him step by step but it’s been over a year since it’s been really bad and still no change from his part. It’s not hard to be kind to each other.. and then we could stay together and keep our home and our family together and have our second baby and continue as a team. But none of that is happening and I’m just devastated about the reality of things. The more I talk about it the more real It sounds.
@oliveStrawberries1552,
I feel your despair and pain.
Talking to family doesn't mean that it’s official that I must make a move and leave him because I’m breaking that illusion. I don't know who told you that, it's not good advice in my honest opinion. I don't know if your husband has any relatives he trusts, if so, you might consider reaching out to them. It's tricky. Also, I don't know why and when your husband started to, what sounds to me, pulling back. Maybe it's too much for him to cope with, being told that there's a little one on the way. Maybe bad experiences. I don't know how well you know him, whether you guys did have good times that both of you can relate to and might cherish. I don't know if you know how to really connect. Different situation, I have been, let's say, not been emotionally available to my wife and verbally abusive, due to a combination of bad luck and psychical issues. Our relationship as it was is gone, we are in danger zone, I got us a marriage counselor. We've developed some very harmful patterns. Lots of hurt and pain and emotions. Talking is hard, we trigger each other, patterns. So we use emails, to express our feelings/thoughts/fears, and cc our counselor. Maybe you could try that, expressing your feelings, pouring your heart out. Write it in a letter, arrange to stay with family, leave the letter for him to read while you are away. Giving him time and space to digest. You have nothing to lose. Just my two pence as a non-therapist.
Do you feel comfortable switching counselors? To find someone who can validate your experiences? I know I needed someone to label specifically what I was experiencing by saying- “yes that’s emotional abuse” Possibly individual counseling session would be helpful. This way you can talk about what you and your child are experiencing.