Ex texting my best friend?
So guys, me and my ex broke up end of July. It wasnt a bad breakup he said he needed space and its just for now and wed sort it. 4 months later weve hardly spoke and not saw each other, he told me about 3 weeks ago he doesnt think he loves me anymore. In the same conversation he then said he knows he doesnt love me and doesnt want to be with me. He messaged me 2 days later a question about my laptop? I know random. And we havent spoke since.
Tonight my best friend texts me and says hes called her, messaged her on Facebook, snap chatted her and texted her. He is out in the city tonight and hes asked if she and her boyfriend want to meet him and his (male) friend. He hasnt spoken to her since before we broke up so this is out of the ordinary but why is he doing this?
Its pretty obvious to him she is going to tell me what hes said so why is he messaging my best friend?
What do you guys think????
@BlackRoses180
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
So guys, me and my ex broke up end of July. It wasnt a bad breakup he said he needed space and its just for now and wed sort it. (This often a sign he couldn't either a certain commitment or closeness, so he decided to not work on the relationship. They are certain signs that lead to the relationship going this way) 4 months later weve hardly spoke and not saw each other, he told me about 3 weeks ago he doesnt think he loves me anymore. (Hmmm, did you ask him if he loves you and wants to be with you?) In the same conversation he then said he knows he doesnt love me and doesnt want to be with me. He messaged me 2 days later a question about my laptop? (This is really mixed messages. He said he doesn't love you or want to be with you, but then messages you two days later. He gets smothered when its too close, but at the same time feels anxious when being away. He is also behaving inconsistent) I know random. And we havent spoke since.
Tonight my best friend texts me and says hes called her, messaged her on Facebook, snap chatted her and texted her. He is out in the city tonight and hes asked if she and her boyfriend want to meet him and his (male) friend. He hasnt spoken to her since before we broke up so this is out of the ordinary but why is he doing this? (We dont know the exact reason why he is doing this. I look at his actions, its quite confusing the way he is doing this, but its important to not let a guy like this so easily in your life. He pretty much blew up your friend phone, thats what he does when wants something, but soon as someone shows interest is where he starts backing away)
@freshLight64 what signs do you think there was for the relationship going that way?
I did ask him if he loved me and wanted to be with me, he said he doesnt think he does and he hasnt thought about it as he turns his emotions off and doesnt think about it. Then a couple of messages later he says he knows he doesnt love me and hes more open with his feelings. Which I did call him out on as he said a couple minutes before he turns his emotions off. I think maybe the quick change in answers was because I was pushing him and trying to have an emotional conversation. (Like you said he doesnt like the closeness)? What are your thoughts on this?
In regards to the situation with my friend. That is true I dont know why he reached out to her. He hasnt spoken to her since before we broke up and hed never usually text her as a friend in the first place? They only spoke when we were all together. So I do think its odd he messaged her tonight and asked her to meet him and his friend? He must know she is going to tell me this. Is he trying to get my attention?
@BlackRoses180
I did ask him if he loved me and wanted to be with me, he said he doesnt think he does and he hasnt thought about it as he turns his emotions off and doesnt think about it. (This is a red flag here because he doesn't prioritize emotions and will often distract himself from there. I can clearly tell he has major attachment trauma, afraid of vulnerability and there's a high chance he won't be able to fully trust people. If there's problem on the relationship then he will avoid, procrastinate and dismiss how you feel which will trigger your anxiety) Then a couple of messages later he says he knows he doesnt love me and hes more open with his feelings. (His emotions are all over the place, so his mix messages will confuse you. Its important to not waste your time on someone who doesn't know what he wants one day and then the next acts as if nothing happen) Which I did call him out on as he said a couple minutes before he turns his emotions off. (He went through a lot of neglect and his parents made him feel like emotions should be turn off. The moment where closeness begins is where he will shut himself out because that's all he knows. A person like him will bring your anxiety levels very high because his behavior resembles one of your caregivers) think maybe the quick change in answers was because I was pushing him and trying to have an emotional conversation. (This is a sign you had a hard time soothing your anxiety because of his behavior, and then you did whatever it took to force him into doing what you want. It's important to be careful with your anxiety because it will make you lose emotional self control, and then you will end up losing empathy for the other person. He also doesn't do well with emotions and closeness, it will make him push you away)(Like you said he doesnt like the closeness)? What are your thoughts on this?
In regards to the situation with my friend. That is true I dont know why he reached out to her. He hasnt spoken to her since before we broke up and hed never usually text her as a friend in the first place? They only spoke when we were all together. So I do think its odd he messaged her tonight and asked her to meet him and his friend? He must know she is going to tell me this. Is he trying to get my attention? (We don't know any of this, but in the meantime its important to work on your level anxiety, and also look for more red flags in the previous relationship which will help you grow as a person)
@freshLight64 I do agree and think he has attachment issues and is afraid to be vulnerable. He told me he was brought up and his mum told him speaking his emotions and feelings makes you weak. Not sure if she did but thats what he said.
But how do you help someone like this? Weve been together for 4 years. Both our longest relationships, weve lived together and done so much and been through so much together. Every time Ive stuck by him and never left? Wouldnt this help his attachment issues? Knowing Im always there for him? How can he find it hard to trust me when Ive never left his side and never gave him a reason to not trust me?
@BlackRoses180
I do agree and think he has attachment issues and is afraid to be vulnerable. He told me he was brought up and his mum told him speaking his emotions and feelings makes you weak. (Thats how i felt in the past about my emotions, believe me it took a huge amount of work to be able to overcome this, but I don't think he is willing to work on this. You will always be on the edge because he shares how he feels, and then resentment will grow inside of him because he will expect you to know how he feels. Its very tough connecting with someone who is not willing to be emotionally open) Not sure if she did but thats what he said.
But how do you help someone like this? (They would have to see for themselves that this is an issue because telling him about this will only make him dismiss how you feel. He would need to make a decision to change, and seeking professional help) Weve been together for 4 years. Both our longest relationships, weve lived together and done so much and been through so much together. Every time Ive stuck by him and never left? (One of the main reasons you stay is to not feel lonely, it felt tooo familiar, and this need of "If I'm in a relationship then i have to give it my all and not give up, however i expect him to do the same") Wouldnt this help his attachment issues? (Nope, it will actually push him away because feelings of closeness feels scary for him, so he will do whatever it takes to avoid those feelings of closeness)Knowing Im always there for him? (Yes and no. The problem here is that always being there for him actually caused him to be the same way because he would mistreat you at times. It's okay to be there for people, but they are cold and inconsistent then that's a sign its not a good idea to keep investing) How can he find it hard to trust me when Ive never left his side and never gave him a reason to not trust me? (The relationship with our parents are the first connection we made in our life's. His connection with his mother was always inconsistent, didn't feel safe, healthy growth was not encouraged, being open with emotions was discouraged, so the relationship he had with her will carry with yours. He has not dealt with his attachment trauma and hurt, so it will make him sabotage things and mistreat you. I understand you want him back, but it shouldn't be at the cause of suffering another heartbreak)
@freshLight64 we have had conversations like this before and hes said he will try and be more open but he finds it hard. Which I understand.
One time maybe in the 2nd year of our relationship he broke down and told me one day Ill leave because everyone in his life does. His mum, his dad, his grandad passing. He doesnt speak much to his mum now unless he has to but now he does live with his dad and they are close. But I told him Id never do that? Its confusing that if thats what hes afraid of why does he run from me?
I really do want to help him overcome these issues but I dont think hed like to admit he has them as that would (in his eyes) make him vulnerable and hed have to acknowledge something is wrong.
Hes always said he is the only one who can deal with his issues/problems because they are his. No else can help him.
Its really sad, I love him so deeply and I dont want to be without him but its really difficult trying to show and make him realise that I am not like the other people who have hurt him and let him down.
Also another odd thing, 3 weeks before we broke up he sat me down and wanted to speak to me. He told me hed been thinking and wanted to start a family with me. He said hed really thought about it and was sure he wanted it with me. I told him not to play around as he might change his mind tomorrow. He swore he really wanted it. The week after he started his new job, I havent seen him since this time as 2 weeks later we broke up. Out of the blue...
@BlackRoses180
I replied to most of what you said on my previous reply, so I will reply to some of the new things you added. I would also appreciate if you read various times what i pointed out on my previous replies. Children usually fall in love with their mother, so if the connection is safe then they will be able to trust others and feel good in closeness, but if the connection isn't safe then they will not trust others and will associate closeness with feelings of hurt and pain. They made him feel as if emotions and closeness are not that important, and they promoted independence from an early age. He will not accept your help because he was conditioned to be too independent and not get close to others because it will bring pain. It's just impossible having a healthy and loving relationship with someone who can't trust you or get close without sabotaging. He would have to heal from his past issues on order to be with you, if not he will put you through a rollercoaster. His actions and words are pretty much meaningless at this time because he has shown through actions that they can't be trusted.
@freshLight64 please help if you can