Fear of Breaking Up
I've been having a lot of relationship troubles recently.
My boyfriend is wonderful, amazing, and understanding. However, he has problems with BPD. The other day, he confessed to me that he seeks attention from others when he's mad at me, but not in a romantic way. I guess I could call it emotionally cheating? I don't know.
I was hurt by this. I didn't tell him I was hurt by it and told him I understood because he had BPD. And really, I did understand. But it piled up.
He told me about a dream he had where he fell in love with someone else, but still liked me, and we became polyamorous. I was stricken with jealousy because I have bad jealousy problems, and he knows this. He proceeded to say he wonders if he'll meet this person one day. I made a distasteful joke about how I'd disappear.
He proceeded to tell me to not do that because he'd like both of us in that scenario. And me disappearing would leave him with that person. It wounded me deeply.
We argued all afternoon. I confessed to him how much it all hurt me and how jealous I was of him having friends and how possessive I felt, and that I had relapsed days prior due to the stress of him confessing he sought attention from others.
I told him I wanted to seperate, but took it back. He told me he was sick of me lying about how I felt, which was fair, because I said it was okay. It was my fault for not telling him. He said he was seriously considering dumping me.
We haven't talked about it since. I sent him a long apology and he said "I forgive you I guess." I told him I didn't believe that, and he said "I don't know, sorry." We ended up chatting all day about fickle things like games instead of our actual problems.
I'm scared. I sent him a message an hour ago asking to talk about it, and he hasn't been online. Despite all of this, I don't want to lose him. I'm so worried he's going to leave. I don't know what to do without him. I just wish I didn't argue with him. I'm scared.
Hmm. I feel worried about you, everything seems to be perceived as your fault. How would he like it, if you said I'll chat to other guys because I'm feeling vulnerable or mad at you, in that moment?
Just because he has BPD, does it give him the right to push your buttons, already knowing that you have been insecure in the past with previous partners.
To me, partners should make you feel loved and secure, not play games and say Oh I hope I meet someone else..
It's never wrong to share exactly how you feel, no matter how it is taken, that's just your honest thoughts.
I hope that when the time is right, you'll be able to talk things out properly. You're a wonderful person and no-one should make you feel any less than that :)
Thank you. We talked it out, and I made it clear that he cannot push me like that or I will break up with him the next time it happens.
He was able to clarify it wasn't my fault and he was confused on why I was upset because in his mind, everything he stated was completely fictional. He didn't make that clear to me, which was his mistake. He was also upset because I had been extremely rude to him, and it reminded him of past abusers
I'm not writing this as an excuse for his actions per say, because they still did hurt me and made me feel like the bad guy for having problems. However, I hope things get better from here on out. He starts therapy very soon, and I also start therapy next month. I'll see how things go from there. Thank you for your kind comment, it helped me put things in perspective.
@RobotPuppy I'm glad I was a neutral ear for you and good luck with both of your therapies.
Recognising issues and helping yourself is admirable.
I think too many people overall are thoughtless with words and we can all stand to be kinder :)
I agree with that, thank you once again :-)
