Feeling absolutely crushed
10 days ago my fiancé told me that he cannot get over my mistake I made two years ago (there was a 3 month period where I texted inappropriately including some pictures, nothing physical occurred but yes I know it is still cheating and my fault). He told me back then he wanted to work through but instead threw himself into volunteer work and pulled further and further away. This September we talked and he said he would try to put effort in. October was amazing, I hadn't felt that connected to him in a long time. When I asked him if he felt it too he said yes, he was feeling much better / positive about us.
Then Friday I could tell something was off and I asked if he was okay and he said no that he felt the same as he did in September and we needed to be done and talk about selling the house. But he says he still loves me and cares about me and doesn't think I'm a bad person... but that he thinks about this mess 2 years ago every day. I'm so confused and absolutely gutted. I'm talking to my therapist but still just having a hard time processing everything. I don't know whether to try and fight for this 6 year relationship or not. I still madly love him. I think we should do counseling but I doubt he will go for it. How do you start seeing a future without someone? How do you not let it crush your self esteem? I'm trying to meditate and exercise but it's very hard and I'm just feeling very lonely as the one person I would tell everything to is now not there.
@lennydublin
I'm a newbie here so I hope it's ok to post and let you know I read your post. I am so sorry you're going through this. Any time is bad for something like this, but so near the holidays is almost unbearable.
It seems 2 years would have been more than enough time to forgive someone, and odd that it was sort of ok for so long, but then not, but every person is different. Sometimes we just have to accept what is: like when someone has made up their mind in this way as you described, move on, and trust that it's for the best for both of you. Going at it harder could make it worse for him..and you. You wouldn't want to waste another 2 years or any of your precious time in life that could be better spent being meeting another man who will love you.
We all make and learn from mistakes in life, and it wasn't only your mistake from back when. One of his was saying he forgave you, and not being honest with you early on about being unable to do that. People who love each other do forgive, often forgiving what we think unforgivable.
Take care.
@angelic1 - thank you so much for your reply. My dad told me the same thing, to not waste one moment with someone who wasn't all in and didn't love me back. But is it so wrong I want him to really try? But maybe the truth is he doesn't want to try at all and never did. Like you said, not truthful about being to forgive. I just feel so confused about why now. He told me it's nothing I've done this year or recent months. I honestly feel I've become a better partner this year in therapy in becoming less angry about his volunteer work and no longer feeling like I was competing with it. And I became genuinely supportive of his pursuits into a new field. Told him I was proud and happy for him. I feel crushed that none of that matters.
I told him I gave him an opportunity to be honest with me. About a month before I started therapy in March I was in tears saying I felt alone and like he didn't want to be a part of this family we created and that he didn't want to be with me. He just responded with "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walked away. Am I just stupid? Has he not loved me all this time and I couldn't see or admit it? Why didn't he just say this all then?
@lennydublin
You're so welcome, and thank you. Dads are great at many things, including advising their beloved daughters ..especially about men. Dads know men .. period. They know their daughters, too. Dad's size guys up right off! and they know when we gals are being used, etc.
You're not stupid. While you've been trying so hard (and he knew it!), his response sounds flippant and unconcerned about you. You are important! Your feelings are important! Your life is important! You may have felt a drift with him for a while, but did not want it to be true, blamed yourself, tried harder to make amends, and ignored how he acted (thinking you deserved it ~ you don't!).. trying to make up for something that happened.
Did he use you? Maybe, I can't say. But you don't have to let it continue..and can't. Maybe there's a reason you reached out to others while you were with him ~ he maybe didn't give you the attention and love you need and deserve. He may be ok for someone, but not for you. Just make up your mind to that fact, and that you deserve better. You deserve to be happy and loved. Do what you need to do to comfort yourself and end it..in your life and in your mind so you can move on to your new bright future..with your eyes wide open and lessons learned.
Have you ever noticed your parents forgive you of any wrongs you've ever done? They always will. That's love. They may not forget, but they forgive. This is the deeper, real love you're aiming for. Please..you never want to waste one minute of your time or life with anyone who doesn't love you like you love them or anyone who can't forgive you... and definitely not 2 yrs.
You're going to make it without him. You don't need any answers from him so don't try to get them from him..another waste of your precious time. Write it down, talk some here, but make up your mind to start over ,,,without him.
@angelic1 - I think for sure one thing that has come up in therapy more than once is me being okay with everything being my fault because I feel I deserve it because I'm somehow still stuck on trying to payback for this mistake I've made. Your advice and kind thoughts are much appreciated. I just wish it didn't have to end this way. I'm hoping I can find a way to resist the temptation to ask questions. There's probably no good reason or explanation. But I do wish I could understand.
I just wish he would hurry up and help me sell this house. He told me he thought the earliest to list would be the end of January. To which I said absolutely not. You dropped this on me and this is what you want so put the time in to make it happen. He said he can try by the first of January but it will "probably be the 15th". I feel angry in addition to all my other emotions because it feels like he can't be present to be in our relationship but he can't work to make it be over either. I just want to wake up and the house be sold and me be working on finding my own place and trying to learn how to be on my own. Or better yet I wake up months from now in my own small place with my cats and dog on the bed and we are all okay.
@lennydublin
I wrote a long post to you, but somehow it got sent off the grid...? I'll try to repost. I've not left you, friend. I'm listening & trying to reply.
@lennydublin
I'm not sure all I posted before that wouldn't post, but the gist is this. No reason he'd give would ever suffice.. you know this, I know you do. Cry and talk here, but let's get this done.. together, ok? You are making way for a brighter future.
Time to get tough. Re: the house, please get Dad to help you and don't let your ex fiance be in charge of any of that. If you've got a ring and you want it, keep it; otherwise, shuck it back to him but don't offer it. You need to be protected and not lose any profits or investments you've made in that house, and Dad will make sure you are so make sure he's helping you, may need your own attorney, too (worth it). You may need to take photos of furnishings, appliances you both bought, etc.in home so you get your equal share.
Christmas is a tough sell, but housing is in short supply, and housing prices are higher now anyway. Don't get in a hurry. Get a good selling agent .. one You and Dad like and trust. Don't walk out of there with nothing.
You like music? Play this song: Stronger by Kelly Clarkson. https://youtu.be/Xn676-fLq7I It's you! It's us! Keep me updated ..please..
@angelic1 - I really do want to thank you for the strength you are giving me. I am hoping if I write it out enough that I will no longer cry for this.. cry if have to because it hurts but not because I'm trying to get it back if that makes sense. I know there's no good reason... but I want to understand where I went wrong. It can't just be this mistake 2 years ago can it? Everything he's ever done that hurt my feelings didn't become "him" to me, they were things he did and that I said yes that hurt but it's okay. People are not perfect. I've never loved him less for any mistake or misspoken word. I already have contacted the realtor my family uses. So far discussion of everything has been amicable, I think it's just going to be a matter of doing most of it on my own. Which I guess shouldn't surprise me. I've been taking care of the house, myself, the animals, buying his soap and toothpaste and cooking and cleaning all by myself for a long time. I thought I liked doing it. But maybe I just felt I had to. I'm really not sure. I never knew I could be confused about this, him and I. It was ever the only thing I was sure of.
My mom and dad both offered to help me pack and help with the house where they can. I'll be moving in while I'm inbetween places. I'm really grateful for them, like you said it is completely unconditional love.
Maybe I'll tell him to take his self righteous crap elsewhere.
@angelic1 - also the first thing I did was give him the ring back and the necklace he gave me for our first Valentine's Day in our crappy apartment. It meant too much and I felt too much seeing it / wearing it. I don't know what he will do with it but at least it is not on my mind.
@lennydublin
You're so welcome. You did nothing wrong, and you know it. That's why it's making you crazy. No one goes that long .. 2 yrs and then says I just decided I can't forgive you. No, uh uh. It's ugly and when and how he did it is decidedly rotten ~ at Christmas? And after 2 years? Horrible! He doesn't deserve you or your second thought. Please.. don't do another thing for him, ok?
When I sadly decided to divorce, I told my husband 'I'm going to the bathroom to cry, and when I finish, I'll never cry over this again.' .. I did and never cried over it again..ever! It's an inner strength .. which I know you have, too.. you've only to reach for it .. it's there.
@angelic1 - at least compared to when he dropped it on me this time it was a day off. In September he came down the stairs and dropped the news on me at 4:30 when I had to leave for work by 5:30. I had to call out sick because I couldn't peel myself off the bathroom floor. I've cried so much recently. Been physically sick from the stress. I'm hoping when I see him Tuesday I have the strength to tell him I won't cry anymore either. Maybe I will reread this a couple more times. I don't want to hurt anymore. Especially if he isn't. It's odd sometimes when I think about his responses sometimes... at one point he told me he had "opportunities to cheat too"
But don't we all? I guess maybe when I start to reflect I wonder if perhaps in my attempt to be forgiven, I forgave too much.
Thank you again for being so kind, but also pushing for strength. We will all get through our tough times. I just hope it doesn't feel this tough for long. Working night shift sometimes just gives too much empty darkness to get lost in and finding this community made it seem a little brighter.
@lennydublin
You're seeing it .. him.. the real person .. it's reflecting in some of your posts. You can see he's not worthy of you. It still hurts I know it, but you were misled, deceived. Maybe try doing your crying before you see him .. like I made up my mind .. going to cry now and never again. And when you see him again, just remember the pain he caused you, how ugly he treated you .. and for how long! Think about the rotten things he did .. breaking up with you at Christmas! Taking back the jewelry he gave you when you offered it .. rotten!
You'll be ok. I made it and I was married! So will you!
@lennydublin
I was in a very similar situation last year except the roles were reversed. I was the one hurt by my fiance and I pushed myself for years to make it work. I pushed and forced it to work even though my heart couldn't let go of their mistake. It got to the point we had explosive arguments that still haunt me to this day.
It wasn't fair to either of us, and I am just as much to blame for carrying on even though my heart wanted to be done. Sometimes, love cannot conquer all. But we as humans want to so badly get what we want, even if that is just a pipe dream.
Then one day it was like a switch went off in my head and I no longer could be with him. The pain I was carrying around finally came spilling out and I could no longer avoid it. I was done, and I couldn't force the relationship any longer.
But at that point I didn't have the money to move out and we had to live together for a few months until I had enough cash to get my own place. It was beyond awkward and it hurt so bad to be around him but not to be with him.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, it wasn't fair to you, but sometimes these terrible things happen and you're not fully to blame. Him carrying on with a relationship meant he still loved you, but his heart just couldn't let go of the past. It's an ugly thing and I hope one day you can make peace and forgive yourself, because you deserve that.
@lennydublin
Friend, please.. note to you: Too late on the other .. but never return gifts, honey! Those were your gifts! Non returnable. Even if they reminded you of him, you can do as you wish with them that someone else might like .. re-gift, whatever.
I would Not leave him on his own in the house! Stay there until it's sold and while it's being marketed. Take the photos like I said. Can Dad come visit a lot? You never know what someone might do,. and you'd have no recourse because you're not married. Please....I don't want you to lose everything from 6 years with that guy ....
@angelic1 - I'm staying at the house at least until it's listed. More than likely I'll move then just so the dog doesn't mess up carpet we repair. But the realtor said we could also tell buyers it's in the works being replaced if we didn't have it done before listing it. He's honestly so rarely here I'm not too concerned about anything. I think since the day he ended things he's been here two nights. While I think it's clear he has zero affection or attachment to me, I don't think he is intent on causing ill anything since he ultimately needs the money as well. I think he's just dragging it out because it's inconvenient and not a priority to him. As per usual he's dedicated to and focused on just his class and his volunteer station and nothing else. Just coming and going as he pleases. But pictures will be taken as I go along with my cleaning and packing just in case.
@lennydublin
I would not leave the house when it's listed like you said. People are crazy, and remove appliances, light fixtures, whatever. Remember this is an investment, your money, and you have a stake in this for your future. You don't want to wind up in small claims court trying to sue someone .. who also has little to no funds and wind up owing the buyers of the house with missing appliances! Be the smart gal I know you are.
I'm re-reading your posts, and I know what you mean about why you're crying and other things. It's more the loss of hopes, dreams..confusion. Once you make up your mind that you're on a new path and what happened is over, you'll stop crying because you'll be on your way. You won't need to tell him you'll never cry again; you'll be that strong person..determined .. done! Spend a lot of time taking care of you and things that make you feel happy and beautiful! And I know about working off hours .. nights. They're lonely hours. I filled them with plans for inexpensive vacays and little excursions in town on time off. You will, too!
@angelic1 - I am hoping moving forward I will definitely find some new trips or things I want to try. I know with the Covid restrictions it may be hard, but not impossible. I'll try to cover my you know what as far as the house goes. I think like you said it is also the sadness and confusion of loss of hopes and dreams and plans, not just a love and a person. Paving a new path just feels so strange and impossible, but I know that it will be okay in the end. I just feel so unworthy like maybe I am not worth someone's time. He's been telling me he's been "trying" so hard for so long... if this is what trying in a relationship is then I don't want it. But maybe what I've thought or have been told is effort really isn't. Maybe I just don't know what a dedicated partner looks like anymore and that is why I'm scared.
@lennydublin
Good on covering your you know. It's also not good to leave a house vacant while it's for sale; people could break in, stay, and steal. I saw this at a vacant house for sale (owned by an elderly couple who had to move to senior living). Theives ruined their home, their investment; staying there, stole/broke copper pipes which flooded their basement.
I wondered if there's any way you can afford to keep the house, and buy him out? .. if his investment was low? He's not entitled to a full 1/2 profit the house would sell for now (speak to an attorney). With all housing and rentals so expensive, if you think you could swing it, that may be something you want to consider, but don't tell him you're thinking about this. You'd need an attorney to do papers correctly, and remove his name from the deed, etc., and all business with him is done. I would not do something like pay him on time to buy him out. It'd be better to take a small lown somewhere and pay him out.
I know this is not at the top of your list of concerns right now because you're upset and confused about what's happened, as anyone would be. But, I'm thinking of your future and your needs ... you need to have a home of your own. And, you feeling unworthy at this time may cause you to take less and offer more than you should. If you're able to keep the house, you can make things look and feel different so it doesn't remind you of him as much. Once you have new people visiting and you've got it to yourself, it may feel more like your own home.
@angelic1 - My parents offered to have me ask how much it would be to buy him out and see if they could help me but realistically it would be too much on my own. I'd have to get a roommate and that's just not something I want to do if I do not have to. If I can't be here with him feeling together then I'd rather cut and run with the money since the market is good and put it towards something smaller that is my very own. Whether it's a small plot of land with a modular build or a small condo situation. Just a small safe space for just me. It will be hard to find I'm sure since budget is tight but I have a safe place and even though it's not ideal being with my parents is something I can do until it works itself out.
Though I'm still just hoping he will wake me from my sleep and say it was all a mistake and crawl into bed with me. :(
@lennydublin
I think that's great your parents thought of this and offered to help! And that you should consider this option. Maybe take Dad to ask what the guy wants to buy him out, so you've got more support and aren't taken advantage of (tell Dad how much he put down, etc.). Before you completely write it off, you need to get all figures written down. Mortgage rates are low .. you may be able to get a new mortgage and monthly payment you can afford on your own or with some help from your parents. You may not need a roommate if the payment, etc. are doable. It is so extremely difficult to impossible to find inexpensive housing, even land as you spoke of, even a rental, and in a nice, safe area.
Yes, living with your parents is a good option to keep in mind, but this house you've already got may be a way for you to have/keep a home of your own.
I get that you'd rather wake up from the nightmare of it all. It's awful what's happened. Unfotunately, you can only deal with the facts you have at hand, and go on from there now to do what is best for you and your future. You can't wait around for him to change his mind (nor would you want to) or one day drop a new drama on your doorstep. Your parents know you're hurting, and they are able to think rationally now while you may not be able to. They'll look out for your best interests. Get Dad to help get figures together, etc. and see if you can do this before you write it off.
@lennydublin Oh wow... that's devastating. :( I'm so sorry.. I had a similar experience. I did the very same thing as you, My partner and I ended up staying together for a futher 9 years!! But it was always the elephant in the room and quashed every bit of intimacy we ever had. I left 4 years ago and to be honest, it was for the best, we were just 2 completely different people, wanting different things.
I'm not making my reply about me, but I think that, in time, you might see the split as for the best. If the shoe was on the other foot and he had sent the messages, would it always be in the back of your mind? might you feel that there was something wrong with the relationship in the first place to make you want to feel some new excitement somewhere else? obviously I don't know you and hope you don't think i'm being blunt. But I honestly think you will be better off.. as well as that he could have waited until AFTER christmas.. a bit crappy picking now of all the times of the year. :(
@lennydublin
Came by to check on you. See how you're feeling, what's going on ....
@angelic1 - I am feeling better today. Yesterday we talked, or more so I did because either he couldn't or wouldn't contribute much to the discussion. I had my therapy appointment afterwards and then treated myself to a hair trim and got it colored my favorite color (and eyebrows waxed). I just told him I know I was not perfect but both of us made mistakes and hurt one another and the only difference (not necessarily saying right or wrong) is that I never made those things you in mind, they were just things you did and I forgave you and just kept pushing forward. It did make me laugh when he asked me about my planned afternoon to which I said haircut and that I was excited and maybe even take some selfies and who knows maybe I can use a good selfie. For what he asked? I was like well eventually to date cause with Covid I'm sure online dating may be a little easier. And all of a sudden he's like well ground rule we don't bring anyone back here. Like he heard dating and all of a sudden I'm planning to bring someone here this weekend. I really don't think financiallly I would be able to buy him out and afford it but I think I may ask the realtor if she can run numbers or if she can direct me to someone who can. Maybe with a stricter budget and refinance I could.
@lennydublin
I'm glad to hear from you, and that you're feeling bettter. You got your hair done! Woo Hoo! and waxing! Yay! That makes you feel like a million bucks! And you talked out stuff to him, whether he had much to say or not, you still benefitted. He sees you're moving on with your life.. already worried you'll bring a date home, which I know you wouldn't. Better to keep your cards close to your vest; it's just your business now. You've broken up, but still living together. You wouldn't want him to become difficult, keeping in mind a deal on the house. I'm really glad you're considering it, and going to speak to your realtor. Be good to check with some banks. Dad help steer you..maybe...? an attorney to help? Maybe you won't have to move after all! If it works, great! If not, you tried! You can always make a new plan. Either way, you're moving forward, and that's fantastic!
I'm so excited for you! You're doing great! I bet your hair and you look beautiful!!!
@angelic1 - Dad directed me to the realtor who our family knows through friends of family who helped us buy and she was happy to explain it to me and said for me to speak with the lender our current mortgage is through just because lenders are already slammed and said it may be faster. Said if they could not help or didn't get back in a couple days to let her know and she will put me in touch with hers. She said then if we are able to go forward she will put me in touch with title company. If my budgeting numbers are right it is doable. A little tough but doable. We will see what they say. I am not getting my hopes up because I am not 100% my calculations are correct and if the numbers don't work then I'll just continue with the plan to sell and find something new.
But yes of course cards to myself and playing nice. I don't want to make it anymore difficult for myself since for right now it is civil. But I still just found it so hilarious that he's been feeling like this for so long and he dumped ME not the other way around yet the idea of me being with someone else just bothers him so much. I wanted to say you can't have it both ways. I definitely don't have any intention to jump into anything anyways so pointless argument to have. Still somehow in my messed up brain I found it funny.
@lennydublin
All this sounds great! You may be surprised to find there's a way to make this work out with the house and not make so many sacrifices. I didn't think I could afford a home I wanted years ago and almost give up to even try, but was surprised to find out...I could! I don't have it now (sold it), but it was wonderful. I didn't want to see you lose an opportunity. And, as you said, if it really is not doable, you move on to your next plan.
You know how sometimes when someone can't have something, they want it. I can understand you finding it hilarious since it was his decision. You don't have a messed up mind. He's left you confused, hurt, feeling you deserve this and bad treatment because of the past ~ and this is a horrid time of year ~ Christmas! ~ for a loss of any kind. Whatever the reason he had for the break up (even if none), you can and will move on. Please.. forgive yourself for past mistakes. We all make mistakes, and try not to repeat them, but sometimes we do, unfortunately.
I hope you're making plans to be with your family, loved ones for Christmas..and that you post updates of what's happening.
@angelic1 - I am hoping for a Christmas miracle and then saying that I would be approved and also that the new mortgage would be low enough for me to feel comfortable. There's definitely things in my budget I'm willing to cut and don't have to have, at least for right now. I just hope he would go for it. I don't know why he wouldn't since he doesn't know what he wants and does not seem hell bent on staying here specifically. That would just be another blow to absorb where I could do it but he would refuse to take the offer. But I'm getting ahead of myself, one thing at a time. My plan is to call the lender this afternoon when I wake up before work and just go from there. Or this morning if I can stay awake, but night shift leaves me sleepy.
And thank you. I'm trying to be kind to myself and say yes it was a bad thing and it hurt someone but it doesn't mean I'm a bad person and it doesn't mean I have to repeat the mistakes. I am trying my hardest not to reach out to that person I talked to. I miss having the appropriate friend level conversations and part of me now feels like I have nothing stopping me, but I don't trust it to stay that way and then I will be a repeat super loser and I need to just avoid the mental crutch that he can be for me. And thank you, most of the time in my profession(911 center) we feel our heads are warped and humor is messed up so sometimes when I laugh I question whether most people would lol
@lennydublin
I have a good feeling about your chances of doing this. You obviously don't want to show how much you want the house to him. Maybe better to think of how it benefits him to do the deal so these are the points you make when you negotiate with him (hoping you take Dad, or get his words of wisdom and support). Shopping banks for best rates, they may know of special loans you could get help.
You're so welcome. I'm glad you nixed the idea of re-connecting with the one you spoke of. It could be dicey, and cause problems, especially at this crucial time. I do understand you need someone to talk to other than your folks, and it's difficult shouldering so much ~ and that you're lonely for the companionship you once had. You can come here, and talk though I know it's not the same.
911 operator! cool.. I think your humor is spot on! You doubt yourself due to all you've been through. You're a good person, and you'll be stronger when this is done.
@angelic1 - Unfortunately when I talked to the lender this morning I won't be able to refinance and carry the loan on my own. But the amount they said I would be believed to be approved for was a little more than I was expecting and with mom and dad helping me I know I'll find a place just for me. It will just take a little time.
And you're right it's not the same, but coming here and talking with kind people such as yourself and others above definitely helps. 😊 I think it's going to be difficult for me in some sense to not jump right into talking to people a certain way. Not that I plan on dating seriously right away, but I think the temptation to seek validation or comfort will be hard to ignore. Or even just a fun distraction. But I want to try and just feel comfortable on my own two feet. But I don't know how I'll know when I'm ready or what that looks like. But again I think I'm thinking too far ahead.
@lennydublin
Apologies for bombing your post, I'm basically in a position your fiancé is in and was hoping someone could shed some light on my situation.
So recently I found out my partner slept with another guy, as any person would be I was angry, hurt, humiliated and shattered inside. Every second of the day it just replays in my mind and it feels like the pain just doesn't seem to want to end. Eventually I gained the courage to forgive her and we spoke and opted to give our relationship another try, it's a month later and yet I still get those thoughts in my head day in and day out. A week ago she proposed to me to prove that I'm the only guy for her but yet in my mind it seems like it's nothing but a guilty conscience that made her propose, and up till today I still couldn't figure out what made her sleep with another guy. She was basically on the verge of leaving me for that guy but after he got what he wanted he just left and never been heard of again.
So I'm at a point where I don't know what to make of it, Im trying to get over it but I just can't seem to process it, our trust has been completely broken. I'm not sure if this relationship is worth fighting for, as much as I love her I want to be with her but at the same time I want to just leave. I'm afraid I might wake up 1 day and realise that I'm not over it and wanting to walk away.
@BrokenGuy278 - Don't apologize, it's open conversation and we all have things to offer to one another. The more the merrier.
I am sorry you are going through what you are going through and that you've been hurt. I will say for me, that I also felt a lot of feelings of guilt and shame and worthlessness during and after my inappropriate conversations with this person. But at the same time for me my connection to this person was more originally a crutch because he understood my job and instead of telling me people liked me for my body he would say I would good at it and he could understand the bad 911 calls that originally my partner couldn't understand.
My only advice would be to be as open and honest as you can with her. And to encourage her to be the same. Maybe suggest couples counseling. But everyone is valid and entitled to their feelings, if you cannot move past it then it is what it is. It may not be out guilt for her, it may be that she doesn't know how else to express her love and remorse and her desire to be more committed and dedicated to you and what you all have. I think my biggest regret was he and I didn't talk about it. We didn't talk about the feelings before, during or after. And I think just going about our days and saying oh sure oh sure it's fine just let everything start falling apart. If you love her and want to try then go all in. If not, that's okay too but self reflect and figure out sooner than later. Better for both of you that way.
@BrokenGuy278
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I know exactly how you feel because I was in the position before. My ex cheated on me with his ex girlfriend and it shattered my heart. Unfortunately he wasn't able to prove his faithfulness to me, so the relationship ended. The best advice I can give to you is to accept her back into your life very slowly if you truly want her in it. Sometimes our mind or body wants us to forgive quicker than our heart does. We want to forgive out of comfortability, loneliness, desperation, or closure. It's possible that you're just not ready to forgive her yet because the wound cuts deeper than you thought. A person has to go above and beyond to repair their relationship once they've broken the trust by cheating. Let your heart heal first. It won't be fair to her to still be with her if you're unsure if you can. Relationships can work after betrayal if you just give yourself time to heal.
@lennydublin
I'm sorry to hear it's not doable, but glad you tried! and glad to hear you were approved for more than you thought! Plus, your parents willing to help you when that opportunity comes. Maybe living with them a while vs. on your own right now will help you during this transition as you also recover ..as long as that's a good atmosphere for all.
Yeah, I hear all you're saying..wanting that comfort and validation, yet hard to have levels of trust you had. Maybe just start with baby steps once you break free of him and the house. Like you said, get yourself strong on your own two feet and to a point that you can better recognize what you want and what's really good for you and having a good relationship. Some casual dating (once you're free of him) with no strings may be a start..just to get out again.
You're very welcome. I'm really so proud of you! and all you got done! You should be very proud of yourself! Look at all you've done amidst this heart wrenching pain~ and at Christmas! Pat yourself on the back! Please surround yourself with those who uplift and support you; and remember that you are worthy of receiving kindness and love. Post updates as you can; I want to know how things are going (hope the house sells for a good amount, and things go smoothly.). 
@angelic1 - Thank you again for more positive words. It is hard to feel proud of anything, I feel like a failure in some way. That we didn't make it and that how much of that is my fault. But I am trying to think of future and at the same time continue with baby steps. My friend is going to help me start moving furniture out once I get a storage unit (probably get them to help me after the holiday) and I'm still cleaning and throwing out junk daily. I'll definitely share good news like when the house actually gets listed (and sold) and the journey of finding peace somehow on my feet in my own place. I have a good relationship with my parents but not so much my brother who also lives at home. I'm hoping with everyone's varying schedules that it won't feel like we are on top of each other all the time and make things slightly easier.
@lennydublin
You're welcome; I'm happy if I can help you. You're grieving and still blaming yourself. Please forgive yourself, and allow yourself to grieve at your own pace.
I'm glad to hear a friend is helping you move your things (lucky!). I usually had to hire people. Having used storage before, I hope you know a good one, because most all my property was ruined in one, and completely ruined in another, and I don't want that to happen to you.
As you said, your varied schedule may be a help with your brother and sharing your parents' home. It will be nice to have your parents so close for support. I hope things go really good for selling the house, moving ... everything ~ and I look forward to your updates, including how you're feeling.
@angelic1 - I could use some of your positivity today. I have obviously been cleaning and packing as I could, but some got put on hold because he ended up getting coronavirus and so I was quarantining in my room as he was his. This weekend that hold finally ended, but talking to him face to face was so hard. When I walked up the stairs I just started crying. I threw away all the saved cards I had. Pictures. It just felt hard all over again.
Not to mention I am frustrated because today all he did was sort the garage. He's off somewhere instead of tackling more packing. Didn't clean out the cootie infested spare bathroom or office (there are bags of trash and things tossed everywhere). I cleaned the kitchen with his dishes from last week and a half (after lysoling and pouring bleach on them and letting it sit) because I needed to clean everything so I could start packing up my kitchen things. We have less than two weeks to get it ready to show. I have my movers scheduled and microwave installer on the books and I'm continuing to pack and clean and it's like he did one thing. I'm angry and sad and just having a really rough weekend 😞
@lennydublin
I meant to reply ... my reply is in my post.. tag...
@lennydublin ~ Hi, I just got your tag; sorry I'm late.
I feel your pain..throwing out old stuff but remembering. I've done that, and once gone, it was easier for me to move on. You're getting ready and making way for your new, wonderful life!, without him dragging your life down and draining you of the happiness and love you deserve. The corona was a set back, but you've been soldiering on. I'm proud of you! Be proud of yourself!
Washing, cleaning up his mess..you gotta be kidding. Pack all the dishes, everything!, and leave paper plates, cups to use and pitch. Is he paying for any of this? I sure hope so. If not, maybe only buy enough for yourself to use and keep it in a box in your room. It's not being ugly; you have no responsibility to keep him up or pay his way. If you're getting a microwave in, he better use something to cover stuff he puts in there so it's kept clean! You shouldn't have to be doing all this work alone!
If he's not going to help, maybe tell him you need to hire help since he's not helping, and give you some money to do that. Otherwise, he needs to go stay somewhere else to be a mess. Now you Know you can't leave him alone at the house you're putting on the market! No way. You're not the maid!
Can he move home to mommy's, and let her deal with him? Maybe a suggestion from you would work. I've done that before, and it did work.
No wonder you're sad & angry, and you've got every reason to be all that and more. Spending your holidays like this! and after the devastating blow at the holidays! Him doing one thing. Wow!
Maybe try to remember all this awful stuff whenever you start crying and being sad. Picture all he could've done to help during this time to make things run smoothly and pitch in. This is not just your house or your job!
Stay on track though. It'll be done...soon. Let me know if you're ok & what the status is.
@angelic1 - In some ways I agree. Tossing out sweet cards and pictures in some ways did feel somewhat final. I'm hoping I'll get that sense of relief x10 when the house is sold. And I wish I was kidding but I'm not. Thankfully the laundry he had thrown in the hallway he washed and I guess he went and bought storage bins cause some clothes downstairs have been put in one. But the office is a disaster as is the hall bathroom. I have a feeling I'm going to end up having to clean it. I'll throw on mask and gloves and get it done. Mainly because I'm done asking for his help, as long as I can absolutely avoid it. My good friend Austin helped me change my headlights the other morning (both bulbs died on me of course). Charles had offered his commuter car and I was like no. Maybe that is stubbornness, and not in a good way, but oh well. I need to get used to doing things or finding my own help. I do plan on using paper plates and such (I bought some when we were quarantining anyways) so that's no big deal. But of course he hasn't packed up what he said he wanted of the kitchen things. I'm off again today (2am here) so I plan to finish packing what is left of my stuff and cleaning some more. I am going to have to ask him to get a move on with the fridge because I guess his family or someone gave him containers with food and such and that needs to go so it can be clean for listing date. Just feeling overwhelmed still. But I appreciate your encouragement, more than you know. 😊
@lennydublin ~ Yeah, once it's sold, you're going to feel better. There'll still be grief, but these are steps that have to happen to get to the next level.
Of course, you're overwhelmed. Sounds like he's left most of it for you. Maybe give him a deadline to do whatever, then, pick what you want &/or what's yours & throw his out. You could also throw his in a box & seal it, throw it in his room/closet (out of sight & no smell for prospective house buyers). Get some plug in air fresheners with a light fragrance cause most people prefer clean smells vs. heavy smelling perfume smells.
If you've got friends offering to help, like with the headlights, etc., I hope you accept the help & not try to do it all yourself. I'm not sure who the person is that offered you the commuter car (your ex?), but if not your ex, help is great. Enlist help to do some packing, moving small things. Can you hire someone to just clean his bath & tell him to pay for it?
It's hard to accept help and feel we're still independent. Good to stand on our own two feet, but not good to cut off help offered.. needed and collapse later when we may not have as much help.
Let me know when you're getting your house on the market. Hope you're ready to move asap because housing is in such short supply, it could sell the day it's listed.
@angelic1 - Definitely overwhelmed. I have been slowly packing up his things in small bins or boxes or bags and putting them in the office or his room or bathroom. I about hit my ceiling yesterday when I just came out and asked him if he had plans to clean his office and bathroom or if I would have to do it. He had the audacity to ask me "well by when does it need to be done by?" Like idk maybe yesterday! Like what kind of question is that?! I am grateful I at least remembered to breathe and just said, "well as soon as possible, but definitely before the 15th(the listing date)". Then he had the nerve to say he could probably get it done by then. I about fell over. And it was my ex who offered me the commuter car to borrow to which I said no. My friend helped me with headlights (and then moving furniture yesterday). I'm definitely doing my best to ask for help where I can, especially help that is offered.
Then my ex has the nerve to text me last night that he thought he was keeping the dining room table and chairs and I was taking the smaller table. I'm like no, I asked about this table and chairs and you said you didn't care. Only reason I mentioned the smaller one back when I asked you was that I said I would take that one if you wanted the bigger one. But I told him I have no energy to argue over a table. He can have it and I'll take the smaller round table. I wouldn't care honestly at this point if I took nothing just to be done.
@angelic1 - just because I ran out of room....
I'm just frustrated that I have to keep doing all the pushing and dragging in this, I ask questions about what can go or not or what I can have versus what he wants. I am trying to be fair when it comes to dividing up things. Because it's the right thing. Regardless of how hurt and angry I am, I do not wish for this to become a cluster. Not many "things" are worth the stress or fight. But it's like he said oh yeah sure and then came home to find things packed up and gone and all of a sudden was like but wait I wanted that. And trying to twist it that I took something I shouldn't have. When I've been trying to get clarification and I have to pull teeth to get anything and he isn't making any efforts to pack his own stuff or take what he wants out of the house. I have a mind to buy the small garage sale stickers and say put orange on what you want. After x date, I'm taking everything that isn't packed or marked out.
I finally went to my favorite coffee yesterday, I've been avoiding it cause we always used to go together. Owner asked me where other half was and I couldn't stop the tears. I'm doing the best I can to not be angry and make him a bad guy, but I'm struggling to hold myself together and keep doing every dang thing there is to do to basically finish dumping myself. Like what in the world.
@lennydublin
Personally, I'd make my own choices, and he take what's left. I say that because of his lack of interest and effort to do anything to bring this to a close or help, and because of the way he's been about all this ..period. Ruining your holidays, taking back jewelry he gifted you!, wasting 6 yrs of your life for what? Plus, you'll need those things you half way thought of throwing up your hands just to be done with ~ or letting him choose. You get first choice. For instance, will you have room for and get more use out of the large table or the small? If it's the big one, take it, and say that's what you both originally agreed to, and you need it. Decide what you want, and take it. If he's got a problem with it, tell him you'll talk about it later after the house is sold, and then you never have time for that. He'll likely forget about those things; he's certainly not thinking of them now! You've been more than fair, bent over backwards and doing All the work. For that alone, you get more than he does And First choice!
Are you leaving some furniture in the house for staging? or leaving all furniture and moving it later? Are you moving things to a storage or your folks?
I'm worried he'll buffalo you into not getting your fair share of the house sale. I hope you speak with your Dad before signing anything, and make sure you get Your Rightful share of what you put into the house And any profits. It could get dicey with One Check at closing, and you don't need that later, and trying to get your portion from him! Best to prepare now for how you're going to handle all that. Maybe you already have, but since you haven't told me, I thought I'd mention it.
I'm sorry about the coffee place, but it'll be ok. Now, you've crossed that bridge of returning to places you like where you both used to go, and next time you can go in fresh, and never speak of him any more. Right? You're getting back out, and that's good.
It's easy to see how infuriating and hurtful it's been on you with how he's acting. Please take care of yourself, and let me know what's happening. I want this to go good for you. It's going to get better. I care, your parents care, your friends care .. so remember that when all feels lost.
@angelic1 - Thank you. I wish I knew what would work in my future space. Honestly I do think you're right about him making plans to change to trade things in the future being unlikely. Even now with the table he says he will bring the black smaller round table over and trade me the larger table, but I doubt that he will make time in his ever so busy schedule. Which once it makes it to my new place he can long since forget it. I appreciate you saying it seems I'm being fair. I'm doing everything I can to try and think what the mature/right/high rd option is. Not because I wasn't to seem a certain way, but just for me to be at peace with how I handled this and that just because I was hurt my intentions were not to cause further riffs. My plans tomorrow are to finish steaming the carpets and take rest of stuff to storage and few things to the landfill. I will definitely keep you updated on how it goes with it being listed - I hope you and the realtor are right and it goes fast. Faster it goes the faster I can get into my own space.
@lennydublin You're welcome.
Maybe pick those things you like best that you believe will be of most use to you and easiest to fit in any new place wherever you choose to live. Maybe your Mom/Dad can help you decide if you needed help regarding items to keep right now (which is understandable). Whichever decisions you make on your own or with help will be good decisions. I've got confidence in you. All you've done, plan to do, and through the holidays, too, is amazing!
@angelic1 - my mom told me not to worry about too much, they can help me once I get a place as far as a couch and coffee table. I otherwise feel pretty set, my dressers and my bed and a functional table and I have the tv stand I kept. Not to mention the few months I'll be staying with my parents not paying a mortgage and utilities will let me set some money aside for that stuff when the time comes. Also as far as the proceeds, I did make sure the realtor has on the agreement it is 50/50. She was sure to take care of me and make sure that was clarified before we signed it. That was never a question, not much is worth fighting for but that certainly is! I'm hoping we can get what she thinks we can for it. Would be the only saving grace in this to at least cut the money and run and be able to start fresh. Again thank you, I'm always my hardest critic and between still feeling like this is all my fault (when logically I know it is not 100% all on me) I also feel I haven't done as much cleaning and prepping as I should have - when really there isn't a whole lot left. I have some furniture there still for living but realtor recommended that it may be a selling point to buyers for house to be mostly empty and that we are sellers who do not need to find a place to go in order to sell. Plus just easier to clean and keep it clean with less stuff in the way.
