Have you ever dealt with a co-parenting dynamic where the responsibility felt completely one-sided, even when you were together?
A brief summary from MY perspective of what's happened:
- Together 5 years, I recently ended the relationship with him in May.
- We have 2 kids together: 4 years old, 14 months old
- I'm the default parent (mother) so I deal with all of the mental load (planning our day, feeding and hygiene, dr. appointment reminders, house chores, etc) He handles feeding the dogs and cat.
- He works Sun-Wed, I stopped working in 2023 to to go back to college and be a full-time parent but currently looking for work.
- I have my kids full-time, father sees them 1~3 days per week, average hours spent per day when he visits are roughly 4~5 since the separation, before I ended things the hours would average 6~8 when he visited if we didn't go back to his house.
Yes, I've told him numerous times what I needed from him as a father and partner, for the past 4 years actually. He would change for a few days then revert back to only being a dad when it was convenient for him or wait for me to tell him what he needs to do. He'd say I'm not even acknowledging him for changing diapers for feeding them without me telling him to (THAT'S LITERALLY HIS JOB AS A PARENT!!) Then he'd get upset that I'm not showing him any affection when he's "tried" to be a better father and that I wasn't even giving him anything in return. I have my reasons: inconsistency.
I feel like his efforts to put the kids first after ending things with him are no longer his priority. He has gotten himself into a new relationship with someone half his age in a different country after finding out I reconnected with someone from my past who lives in a different state.
I’m trying to check my own bias here—does it seem typical for a parent’s focus to shift further away from the kids after a separation, or was that dynamic already set beforehand?
@HandOfTink
Not speaking to your specific situation, I can say that it's not unusual for priorities to become inconsistent after a separation. Partners have the same responsibilities, but are likely to become distracted due to lonliness and lack of romance. Sadly, kids often suffer because of this. Due to both nature and nurture in modern society, it really does appear that the mom usually ends up being at least the most observably responsible parent. It's as though the default male mindset is that more should be expected from the mom.
I think it helps to acknowledge efforts, even if they are in simply fulfilling standard parenting responsibilities. However, considering social bias, it's understandable that moms are more likely to experience "thanklessness" than dads are. That can also reinforce frustration about a dad who wants to be thanked for the same effort mom rarely if ever is thanked for.
Every relationship is unique though, so as long as both partners can figure out how to make it work, it can be okay, even if on the surface one partner seems to be investing more of themselves than the other. For much of my first marriage, I was working two jobs, being the primary parent, and doing the household chores. I was okay with it until she went too far with drugs and alcohol.
@HandOfTink. Coming from a dad of a for year old daughter I can’t imagine ever spending that little time with my girl. He sounds like a problem to begin with. I’m in the reverse situation where I’m actually carrying most of the load but I’m scared to separate because I don’t want to lose every day I have with my angel of a daughter so I’m sacrificing my life basically living with someone I don’t love because women have favorites in custody battles unfortunately.
@Newuser86
Thank you for shedding some light on my situation and I’m so sorry you’re going through something similar as well.
I do agree with you that courts favor the mother when it comes to custody battles. That’s one thing I told their dad I would never do to him, is take him to court over custody. He’s more than welcome to see them as much as he likes. I wish he had the same thought process as you where he can’t imagine not spending time with his kids, even if we are no longer together.
Unfortunately, that’s not the case with him. He didn’t start fully interacting with our son until he was about 2 1/2 years old when he introduced him to video games. There are still times when he’s physically around but he’s mentally checked out and paying more attention to his phone than his kid. I’ve witnessed it firsthand recently (also have a recording of it) where he ignores my son because he’s too busy video chatting with his new girlfriend. My son is calling for his dad asking about what something was 5 different times, and his dad doesn’t even acknowledge him. That made me so angry cause it showed me I was right all along about him.
I can understand your situation on why you are staying and I commend you for that. I did that for the past 4 1/2 years because I ended up getting pregnant. I was planning to end things with him within 3-4 months of dating, but ended up staying because we had just bought a puppy together so I was torn about leaving. Then I ended up getting pregnant 2 months after that so I felt stuck because I didn’t want my kid to be without a dad. That burden falls on me for getting pregnant by someone I no longer wanted to be with. However, my daughter was planned because I didn’t want my son to be an only child like his dad when it was our time to leave this earth. I absolutely love and adore my daughter, and I pray she doesn’t fall in love with someone like her father.