He broke up with me and now won't leave

I admit that I was having a hard time in many different areas of my like. I was struggling with health concerns, visited multiple doctors, started taking new medications, fell into a persistant depression (not good when mixed with my already existing anxiety), stopped taking the medicine expecting the depression to fade but it didn't. Then the sadness was compounded by big events in my life; my grandmother died and less then a week later a close family friend died and less than a month after that my cousin died. It was overwhelming and it made the holidays a challenge for sure. And everything else effected me with work. I wasn't motivated to think of future research ideas, I wasn't focusing in class, I didn't have the energy to turn in assignments. This lack of motivation and concentration caused my grades to fall. My graduate program almost took away my scholarship and I was on the verge of getting kicked out (not that htey would kick me out after one offense but I can't afford to go if I lose that money). Health concerns go back as far as a year, depression becoming a bigger problem around 6 months ago, the deaths started 2 months ago and the academic decline happened not long after.

He was so supportive for so long and I thought he was understanding the extreme emotions I was dealing with and the pressures I was feeling. Almost a month ago, he told me that he couldn't deal with everything. He felt like we hadn't been happy for a long time (which honestly is true but I was never unhappy about him or about our relationship, I was just unhappy in general because of the depression) and he needed some time to think things through. Now a month ago, I was still reeling from 3 separate deaths, I had just endured the holidays without these people, I was waiting to hear if my final grades were good enough for me to stay in the program, and I was barely keeping myself together. I couldn't handle a break from him and simply wait to see if he came back or not. I said that we could either work things out together or it was over. He said it was over. A few days later, I had to return to campus for my ph.d. program. I had to return alone and try to focus on my course work because I can't afford to not focus anymore. It was too much so I started counseling, I returned to 7 cups, I am trying to work on myself.

Less than a week after the breakup, he reached out to tell me his grandmother (who I became close with over the course of our relationship) had a serious accident. I didn't respond but I read all his updates that he sent me on her condition. She got better and he stopped texting me for a few days. I tried to refocus my energy back on school and my own mental health. Then he reached out again to say he made a mistake and he wants to get back together. I took a few days to respond but when I did, it was message that held all my anger towards him for leaving. I regretting putting on that on him but I admit it felt better to get it off my chest. He responds right away and again says that he still wants us to make this work.

I left the message alone for over a week. Now that I released so much of my anger, I went back to sad. I miss him and I miss the relationship that we had so I considered us getting back together. The sadness wanted him here to comfort me because I was still dealing with so much. But that voice in the back of my head told me that I was being an idiot for giving him another chance: he left me when I needed him the most so how can I trust him in the future when things get hard again? So then I thought about telling him again that we can't get back together. But the same voice would tell me I was being an idiot for turning my back on what used to be a great relationship. I struggled with the decision for a long time. I consulted listeners and posted threads on 7 cups. I talked about it with my counselor and I shared everything with friends and my sister. I got different reponses. Others seemed to be as split about the issue as I felt inside.

Ultimately, I decided that this couldn't work. I have so much to do. I need to catch up on my school work. I have so much to improve myself upon when it comes to counseling for my mental health. I don't think I can take on the responsibility of trying to fix a broken relationship. Not right now. So once again, I returned his message with a no, I don't think we should try to fix this. He keeps asking me to reconsider, he keeps sending me promises on how he will improve himself and potential solutions to fixing the relationship. He makes it sound so easy when theres two of us working towards the same goal.

It was so hard to come to a decision in the first place and this onslaught of messages from him is quickly tearing down my certainty that I made the right choice. I feel myself once again questioning myself and hearing that voice tell me I'm an idiot for walking away. I don't know what to do.