Help!! My marriage is falling apart :(

Hi reliableturtle! My name is Linda. I am a 53-year-old mom of two 20 something-year-olds and have been married for 28 years.

I can remember well my first years of marriage and having children. The pressure on a family can be intense. Both financially and emotionally exhausting. You spoke of having to figure out a profession and managed to succeed. That is awesome! I'm sorry to hear about your wife's recent behavior. I can totally relate to how you are feeling, as I have recently discovered my husband doing much the same thing with another woman. He said he didn't tell me about her because I wouldn't understand their relationship-that it is merely for support only. However, the conversations have become more intimate and inappropriate. I searched his phone messages whilst he was sleeping (I know, naughty, but I had suspicions-couldn't help myself) I confronted him and he did not deny my suspicions. I know how this can make you feel betrayed. You have worked so hard for your family, trusting to have a loving home for yourself and them. Your wife broke this bond in her interactions with this fellow. Have you been able to ask your wife why she sought this out? That might be a good place to begin with her.

You sound tired. Like you are overwhelmed with this.

As you shared, you have made many new profound adjustments in your life. Your wife too has surely had some of this herself. I am in no way condoning what she did, but maybe she was feeling alone and lost. Maybe she too is having a hard time navigating this new life together. Communication is the only way to work through this.

It sounds like you have a wonderful layout for a great family but are just experiencing some bumps in the road. What your wife is doing is indeed a betrayal and you can perhaps open up a conversation with her sharing how this has made you feel.

For me, I feel very blessed. My recent experience with my husband has brought us closer together. It made me realize many of my shortcomings in my marriage and things I took for granted. I honestly rarely took the time to care for him. I got so busy with the kids and work and just assumed him to be doing the same-all the while I'm not realizing the pressures he felt on himself to provide in so many ways for our family....financially and emotionally.

Honestly, I hear how hard you have worked and how much you care. But perhaps the two of you have let your relationship fall by the wayside with all of life's other demands.

I hope you are in a "place" that will allow you to talk this through with her. Please, by all means, come back here and we can talk more. Your hurt feelings may make it seem so difficult to get through this, but all it takes is some talking, understanding and forgiveness. Easily said than done, I know. But give it a try and see if you can come out of this better off than you were.

This may be an opportunity for you to grow closer, instead of further apart. Of course, alot depends on her as well.

I wish you well. I'll be thinking of you. Please feel free to come back and we can message some more if you want.

Take care!

@reliableTurtle7107

If when things are hard in the past, she's turned to men who give her attention and it made things better. . . . why wouldn't she continue to do this? If this has happened before and you talk about it and move on, that teaches her that the behaviour is okay. Being surprised when she does it again is pretty silly.

Thanks for taking the time to go through my issues. @peaceispossible & @carefulChestnut5895

We have decided to end it!

Thanks once again and appreciate the efforts. Hopefully I can come back stronger and maybe help out others.

@reliableTurtle7107 Your situation sounds remarkably similar to my own. I was in a 7 year relationship with my ex. In that time, I worked hard to improve our lives, providing for her, and progressing towards a home and a family together. Our roles were defined: I would give and she would take. But she, like your soon to be ex, also began chatting with a man she met online. Chatting became flirting, Flirting became secret dates. And secret dates became an affair. I suspected she was being unfaithful after she turned me down when I offered her sex. She became secretive with her phone. I asked her if she was cheating on me and she denied it. I didn't have proof that she was cheating for another 2 months.
What you went through, I know all too well. I blamed the other guy and hated him for ruining my relationship. I felt betrayed by the person I trusted most. And I even asked myself what I could have done differently to prevent all of it. But here's the thing- She doesn't deserve you. Now, I might be projecting just a little bit, but in 7 years, it wasn't her who accomplished so much success. That was you. It was your determination to see your family provided for and happy. It wasn't her who stayed faithful and loyal. That was you. She made a commitment to you and broke it. You belong with a woman who appreciates you and sees beyond her own immediate needs for attention but instead understands that your actions are motivated purely out of love and the desire to create a happy life for the both of you.
Without a doubt, it will be painful to move on. The memories of your relationship will haunt you. Your ability to trust will be impaired. How you let all of it affect you is entirely up to you. These forums here on 7cups, this community, is at your disposal to support you and encourage you. But even before that, I just want to say I'm sorry your marriage couldn't be saved and that this is happening to you. I really hope that knowing you're not alone helps in some way, even if only a tiny amount. It might feel like your entire world is collapsing and everything you tried to build is falling apart. But this too shall pass. Be well.

@reliableTurtle7107 I would like to chime in on what to do and what not to do. First and foremost, do not have any involvement with the sweet talker. This is NOT his fault. This man is not married to you. Your wife is married to you. Your wife has made the decision to step outside of your marriage to find the attention of another man. Your wife is the one that should be held accountable. Also, do not blame yourself for your wife looking outside of your marriage. This is NOT your fault. In a functioning marriage your wife should have come to you and discussed what she feels is lacking in your relationship. I am sure if she feels sexually neglected that should mean you do as well. I am assuming you have not sought out other women. So, why does she get a hall pass simply because she says you do not show her enough attention? Here is what you need to do. You need to think about how happy you are. Does your wife make you happy? Do you feel like you would be happier without her? Do you see yourself still married to her in 5 years? Do you think she will emotionally cheat on you again? Do you think she will ever physically cheat on you? Is this affecting the life of your child in a negative way? Ask youself all of these questions. You will know what the next step will be by how you answer these questions.

Hi all.. Thank you once again for your support.

I didn't feel like updating this thread anymore as I don't want to just wallow in self pity or behave like I am the center of the universe.

Just a quick update that after our initial outburst and the talk of divorce, we spoke again with saner heads this time. My wife said she will give me her decision tomorrow.

In the mean time I wrote her a lengthy letter. I find that it was my mistake for ignoring her all these years (and my mistake) to have not expressed my feelings to her. I always shut her out. We lost intimacy long time ago, I only see this now.

Just like most of you who have supported me here, it was the same case in life as well. My wife had a big argument with her mother who apparently told her that she was too selfish.

I guess between my wife and I know, we know who the selfish one was.

I also sorted the house (it became messy) and tried my best to make it into a home and I told her that I did it for the purpose of making it a bit comfortable for her physical presense. Emotionally, she's not here.. She lives in her phone. I don't know if she's talking to him or not. But either ways, she takes her phone with her everywhere.

Frankly, i've lost interest to check on this (sorry, if my attempts were desperate).

I think things took a bad turn when I sent a message to the guy. In hindisight I shouldn't have. I also copy/pasted a part where he asks her if (my wife) she thinks about him making love to herself.

I confronted him because all these years I didn't do that. So my attempt at this (which failed) was just to do something to get my wife back.

Sorry Mstack, your message was a bit too late!

So I cleaned up the house and it looks somewhat pleasant now.

I'm not a good mind reader, but I sure as hell know that she might have already made up her mind.

Looking at everything I realize that I am still in love with her. Somewhere between giving us a good life, making money, settling down into a new place, adjust to a different culture, I fell into an abyss and refused to come out from that pithole.

Tomorrow is a big day for me.

I know I will get through, and probably i'll be a different person.

Thank you once again for those who replied. You know you didn't have to, but you did and for that I am thankful.

I will maybe update here tomorrow about the outcome. Will see how it goes.