Help me understand how I help him

@Islandgirl2018

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

My partner and I met each other while we were both married, we both took the steps to end our marriages. He has 2 very young children that he is crazy about. They are only 3 and 6. He will ensure that he spends every moment he can with his children at any given opportunity. He is an amazing father and never wants to miss a moment. He told me he loved me before we ever had sex (This is sort of a red flag here, coming a bit strong and unmet needs here) and we talked with our spouses about breaking up long before we ever slept together. We engaged in a whirl wind romance talking nonstop and texting constantly making every effort to be together. (This is the honeymoon phase here where the both of you are giving your best effort. I could tell you were both projecting something you both lack inside, and unmet needs.) November he moved to his own home and he started to spiral into silence and depression. (His behavior will be unpredictable when it comes to depression, but it also communicates that he is starting to feel a bit smothered because of how things are going so fast and the effect depression has over him). I was very upset over this as I just did not understand what was happening as he grew more and more distant. (This tells me you were feeling separation anxiety, fear of abandonment. You were not upset because he back away, it was because it triggered your abandonment issues from the past and it became very tough to soothe your anxiety.) By new years eve we rekindled and then next 3 months where spectacular. We spent every weekend having wonderful dates and lovely evenings together. (This is something that can't be sustained for long period of times, so one or both sides will get too familiar and then there's going to be some distance. The mind will not be able to sustain high attraction for long since it'll come back to its base form) About 3 months ago he started withdrawing, (I believe he will always withdraw when he feels a certain level of closeness he can't handle, so it'll trigger your anxiety and abandonment issues.) I let him know I felt neglected and he told me that his separation has hit him hard. (I could see why you would feel that way, however you were looking to reconnect with him and couldn't handle the anxiety you felt when he backed away. I sense you are projecting all of these unmet needs on him to the point your happiness and well being depend on him. His depression and not being able to handle closeness well will always make him withdraw, there's certain issues he has not been able to overcome. He didn't use proper communication here, he should have given you reassurance here.) He is sad about the kids, he is missing out on firsts and events but he is not pining for his old life with a spouse he did not see a future with. (This sounds reasonable and understandable, but it's not what a women would like to hear when she feels disconnected. She wants to feel heard and understood, not listening to the man using logic and reason because it'll make her feel more disconnected). He said he just wants to be alone and cry. (He is pushing you away here, and sabotaging things) He said he even thought about suicide but would never leave the children. (He needs to seek professional help soon as possible because his depression is really high, there's going to be a lot of withdrawal coming from him if he is not able to solve his issues) soWe have not spent a night together in 3 months not have I seen him in 1 month. (He is not meeting the basic needs of what you two have, and he is pulling back. You have to put yourself first here because he is pushing you away and not trying to see you) He is distant and sad and not himself. He said he misses Us and wants to feel like himself again and support me like he used to. He was so unbelievably supportive and positive before. I know space is clearly what he needs. (I'm starting to think that you have been after him and communicating things when he is pushing you away, you shouldn't make someone a priority who has not make you a priority on his life. You are doing too much, it's pushing him away,so doing nothing is better than doing something) I am reading up on depression and what to say and be as positive as I can. The last 3 months I spiraled into a sadness. All I did was cry and I finally turned a corner and decided to be strong for the both of us. (You are basically putting your needs second, and pushing things on the back of your mind. The truth is he has not make you a priority for a month, you have to value yourself and realize that he is not making the effort right now) I guess I am just wonder what others have experienced or could give me some advice….. I feel this will get better with time (If you back away and let him come to you then it will) I just dont know what to do in this situation and want to be helpful instead of hindering the situation. (Trying to be helpful when he is pushing you away it's not a good idea because he will pull away even more. You have to be able to soothe your own anxiety, because I could tell you want to have the same connection as before without thinking about the way he is pushing you away.) Thanks so much

@Islandgirl2018

bit to long to read it,seams difficult situation...

hope everything goes weel, keep holding and don't lose faith

<3