Help with first breakup
*Background*
Me (M 19) & ex (G 18) just broke up from a year long relationship. Troughout our relationship, we didn’t really ever fight. You could say it was the perfect relationship.
I have been my whole life lonely without parental emotional support and without any friends. I might still have some scars I didnt know I had.
I am an athletic person, 6ft, have been going to the gym for 3 years and playing bball for 14 years(in great shape), and play games on my off time.
We were eachother first everything.
*Why we broke up*
A couple weeks after our anniversary. She told me that I had been controlling and oppressive. I asked her ex situationship to do a loyalty test on her. She found out cz the guy told him. Aswell I didn’t want her to hang around with her guy friends. I had stalked her location, asked her always who she was with and where.
*My thoughts*
After she told me what I had been doing. I realized how creepy I had been and how bad of a partner I was to her. I was ready to change immediately and work on my issues.
She said she needed a break and we had a break about half week after she told me she wanted to breakup with me. She told me she lost most of my trust and her feelings towards me because of what I did.
Troughout our relationship I feel like I have been the dream boyfriend for her. I have given her numerous flowers. Thoughtfull gifts, given her emotional support when she needed it, opened EVERY door for her and did everything with her in my mind.
*What should I do*
I love her more than anything and would die for her. She told day before the breakup to our mutual friend that she ”wished she would have talked to me about it sooner”.
I’m hoping she can even give me a second chance to show that I can change if we would have communicated.
This is day 2 after the breakup. Im planning on going no contact and not staying friends. How long should I wait for her? If she *** another dude and wants be back after, should I go back? How do I deal with this grief other than focusing on myself?
What you planning to do after 2nd day of break up is best but in case if she **** another dude , isnt that a deal breaker . Just answer some questions and then you grief will be dealt with.
Will you be able to be introduce her to your family and friends after what she did?
Will you be sure in future that when you are not with her , she will not **** , what do you think about thst?
Ideally if you eish to move on , do you think you can just remove all her memories , its your choice if you want to keep her as a part of your memories.
I think as this was only your very first relationship, there really isn’t anything that anyone can tell you, that will teach you as much as experience and heartbreak can teach you. In other words, you might look for advice here, and we can tell you what to do, and how to do it even, but how people really learn in love and relationships is by making many mistakes, and then looking inwardly and honestly for the reasons why their relationships failed.
In places, you describe the relationship as “perfect”, you described yourself as a “dream boyfriend”. And yet she thought you were controlling and oppressive, and now things have ended and wished she had ended it sooner. So if you look at the two sides of that honestly - don’t you see that there is a huge difference in how she sees you, and how you see yourself? Maybe it is not enough to buy a woman flowers and open doors for them, if in the end you treat them as if they are your property to own and control. I think most women do not enjoy being controlled. And preventing women from having friends is not how you stop them from cheating. It merely makes them resent you for interfering in their lives.
We love the people who make us feel FREE. Who make us feel like we can achieve anything, who empower us and encourage us. If our partner is constantly afraid that we will cheat, then they put a cage around us, and always monitor us and restrain us out of FEAR of losing us - then truly that is not LOVE, that is just a kind of jealous ownership.
Anyway, I hope that gives you something to think about at least. Wishing you all the best!
CatsInTheCradle
What you said about not having family and friends...it sounds like you may have a lot of trauma there. Are you able to see a school counselor? Or you can find one on hear. It sounds like you may have some trauma and possibly anxious attachment that are leading to the insecurities and controlling issues. When we have trauma from when we are young, it affects how we connect in relationships. A counselor can help you work through that so you can have a healthy relationship in the future.
