How can this be it?

How can this be it? How can this be over? How can 20 years be done, just like that? I feel so much pain, so much sadness, like my heart is being squeezed to the point it can't work anymore. I want to feel any other way than this, any other pain than this pain I feel right now. I want to go back to the way I used to deal with pain, like when my mom died and couldn't deal with that pain so I physically hurt myself, at least then the focus was on a different kind of pain. Or do I numb the pain? Numb the pain like I did then, with copious amounts of drugs and alcohol? I have to do something because I can't feel this anymore or I might never come out the other side. Do I even want to come out the other side? Or do I want to live this way forever? Do I deserve to live this way forever? Probably.

Worst of all is the fact that, her family is the only family I've had the past 20 years, so when I lose her I lose everything. I lose my wife, my 2 beautiful daughters (who I can't live without), I lose the only mother and father I've had. When my mother died all those years ago my family died too. Dad when and did his own thing, brother did the same. So when my wife leaves, my entire life, my entire world goes with her. That's not a world I want to be in, that's a world with to much pain for me to bear. And if I do try to survive that life it'll only be through those old ways that I will make it work.

So hello drugs, hello alcohol, hello razor blade. It's been a long time, but I'm sure I remember how it goes. I'm not sure I'll make it around the sun again, but I'll try. 😔😣😥🍺❄️🗡