How did you learn to smile again?
I dated my ex wife for 20 years, married for 5, and one day i came home to a note on the table and an empty home. She had been carrying on an affair with a man who wasnt even old enough to purchase cigaretts. No warning signs, no fights, every morning "i love you have a good day", i just had no clue. The note said she had changed, but that i was still the same. Her changing, that i could have lived with, people change, it happens, but the affair hurt. it still hurts. I never knew tears could fall from your eyes without you even crying, like a leaking faucet. I cried everyday, I think it was 3 months before i made it a full week without crying, a year before i could make it a full month. Even now 3 years later, it still comes back around sometimes, catching me off guard and sideblinding me. Shes moved on im sure, but im just having such a damn hard time its frustrating. I shouldnt even care at this point, but a memory comes back or i see something that we would joke about or whatever, i feel *** again. And apparently, memory removal isnt a thing... i asked.. (lol)
so, im genuinely curious, how did you do it? how did you let go or move on or whatever you want to call it? How did you get to a place where you can actually smile again? not the fake one you give when you tell people "im alright", but an actual genuine smile.
@MrPaparazzi
Hey thanks for sharing.
(i) The interesting thing to me is how easily the other partner has moved on. Like while we are still attached all of a sudden, they have already well moved on so it comes of as a shock for us. And even though you have shown courage for 3 years now which is great, it does tend to come back to you because of how loyal you are and were. That's a great attribute to have in itself. And I appreciate you for it.
(ii) Slowly and gradually with time if you keep them out of sight, they are out of mind too. Like we just are too focused with daily routine its just natural that we allow us to somewhat move on. Moreover if you have feelings or memories then they need to be addressed as well not suppressed. Its okay!
(iii) Positive affirmations about life in general, meaning of life and our role in it, seeing the bigger picture helps. Like being in a good state of mind helps not only us but also the others who care about us.
To summarize (and this are just my opinions) I would relive my self of past attachment, emotions and any grudges, let life take control, stop questioning everything and see where it takes me. We only have limited time to live, why live it with regret when we could well also be happy.
Best!
@MrPaparazzi
I’m sorry you’re going through this, that really really sucks. 20 years is such a long time to be with someone, I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose someone so suddenly after so long.
A few years back, I was in one of those relationships where my ex slowly became my whole world (cliché I know) and after we split, I felt like I had completely lost myself and could never be complete or happy again. It would be over 2 years before I fully recovered but one thing that really helped me get back on my feet was keeping a daily record of the things that made me genuinely happy. Each day, I would take photos of 3 things that brought me joy and post them onto a private *** account. I really suck at journalling so this format worked better for me since it was quick and didn't require much writing. My only rules were that I had to post something every day and that the things I posted had to be genuine, no bluffing or exaggerating just to make the quota for the day. On the days I struggled to find something, I would post a blank image and simply write that today was a bad day and try again the next day. I found that having this project on the back of my mind forced me to take in every little thing I experienced and think about how much joy each brought to me. Most of them were really mundane things like finding out a brand of chips were back in stock, I think my first post was finding a really nice spoon and fork haha the point is, they were uniquely mine. Over time, I accumulated visual proof that I had joy in my life on my own and that really helped me heal and move on.
One other thing - I noticed you said you’re sure she’s moved on while you’re feeling frustrated for having still having flashbacks. I would ask how you’re certain about how she’s feeling? She may have moved on like you say or she might also be having flashbacks and regretting. People will deal with things differently and there’s no way of knowing how a person feels purely based on what they show to the world. She also didn’t have someone she trusted completely blindside and cheat on her. It would be unkind to yourself to expect to feel the same way as her when your experience was different. I would say be kind to yourself and focus on your own healing and in time, you will learn to genuinely smile again. Comparison is the thief of joy and it does not belong on the list!
I hope this helps and wish you all the best.
I wouldn't give yourself a time limit to heal. It was a long relationship.
The only thing I can say that heals from hurt, is routine. At first it might seem as though you're on auto pilot just doing what needs to be done but then it becomes more than that.
Focus on what brings you joy, change things up. Don't push your feelings aside, accept them.