How do I accept and let go what happened with us?
It's been a little over a week, it had been short but intense and was everything I'd wanted, we were blissfully happy up until the arguments where he'd not listen and gaslight - I called him out on this and he ended it, we were being civil until a few days later when I brought it up again and he saw it as a personal attack so got nasty then cut all contact.
His ex wife had accused him of emotional abuse and it broke his heart, so he was sensitive about being called out for anything like that and it was deal-breaker for him, but he was hurting me and I'm not sure what else I was expected to do. I didn't attack him or blame him as I don't think it was intentional, I didn't ever curse at him or shout: a person should be able to tell their partner what they're doing is upsetting them without that partner breaking up with them!
I know I wasn't completely blame-free as the arguments involved us both (poor communication and insecurities from us both, my frustration making my tone aggressive and making me push for resolution - but no argument is ever great), I know I hurt him by bringing up the gaslighting issue, but I wasn't in the wrong for speaking-up.
I don't see any other way for this to have played out, nothing I could have done differently or better would have changed his behavior. I couldn't see a future biting my tongue and tolerating his refusing to listen to me, or keep having him finding ways to dismiss/discredit my perspective/feelings and making false accusations against me. This relationship was destined to end and nothing could have changed that...so why do I keep going over it?! Why can't I accept it and let it go?
I hate it's over, that I hurt him, that he can't accept his behaviour, that he might hate me, also this has meant potentially having to write off a shared social group as he's closer with them and right now just seeing him in group chat upsets me.
I'm also really struggling to consolidate who he was when we were good verses how he's behaved now, to me he's still that vulnerable wonderful man who took such good care of me and who I wanted to make happy. I still can't help but give him the benefit of the doubt, I'm sure he wasn't doing this intntionally and this was all due to his emotional problems, it didn't feel abusive at the time but rather jut horribly unhealthy. It's sad rather than making him a bad or abusive person.
He had no choice but to end it as he was hurt, I had no choice but to say how he made me feel.
I've no friends/family and too much time on my hands, I'm not sure how to get myself to feel better.
@Kasha2000 Time. It's not the easiest or best answer but ultimately time will help. It sounds like it really wasn't a good fit. You say you're both at fault (and you would know better) and so it seems like this is a situation where the relationship has served its purpose (good or bad, whatever it was/is) and has now ended.
I'm sorry your're going through that and wish you the best moving foward.
@Kasha2000
Hello Kasha, sorry you are going thru that. I saw myself a lot in what you described. The best part was "I can't keep biting my tongue, I have the right to say something if I was hurt" something along the lines, and I can relate to that. My boyfriend is a lot like that. And I do tell him he is emotionally abusive, because he is. So trust that if she said that she probably had a reason and you were shown just that.
I also relate when you talk about benefit of the doubt. There are times my boyfriend is super sweet and that's why I keep going, I am just attatched and can't seem to let go, we both love each other and I think he has BPD. But truth is he doesn't change much. The same things keep happening and it's just a cycle. Maybe that guy has some issue too.
You seem like you are pretty rational besides everything so I would say let it go and in time you will feel better. Wishing you strength <3
Also, he can't be like that. Being called out can't be a deal breaker. He has serious issues my dear. Take care of yourself!
@Kasha2000 You're not alone! was in a relationship for 2 years with an emotionally abusive man. Calling him out for bad behaviour or disrespect would mean causing a fight so I kept quiet and kept dealing with the abuse to keep the peace in the relationship. After a point I realised I was being taken for granted and I was the only one trying to make the relationship work. He knew he could play games with me and that I would forgive him and let it go. I kept running around in circles- breaking up, feeling bad about it, missing him, forgiving him and getting back together. Till we reached a point of no return and he moved on from me in search of marriage! Lol.
You may not realise this today, but after a while, as time passes and your wounds heal, you will look back and realise that you dodged a bullet. Lots of love to you. Hugs!
