How to stop obsessing over the 'what ifs'.
Hello everyone, this is my first post so I hope I'm doing everything right so far.
What I'm struggling with though are these torturous and invasive thoughts of my ex. We were together for 3 years and she ended up emotionally cheating on me with a coworker and leaving me for him 5 months ago. She broke up with me and broke the news to me over text and then over Skype but refusing to speak in person as adults. She blamed her decisions on my faults, telling me it's all because of me that she fell out of love with me, I never once thought there was an issue in the relationship, she never once told me there was an issue, she was completely fine until the day she left me. Because of these circumstances and the things she said, I still don't know what all was true in the relationship, what all was my fault, what all was normal relationship stuff or how much of it could've just been solved with communication. I don't know anything about the relationship anymore, all I seem to remember are her good qualities. I spend every moment of the day thinking about her, about what we had and what I could've done differently to keep her with me and for her to continue to love me. I know she wasn't perfect but I looked past her flaws because I loved her, now any flaws of hers that she had, I can't help but blame it as a result of my flaws. I can't stop thinking about the 'what ifs'. I don't know what is true anymore, I don't know if I was a good boyfriend or a bad one after what she said to me. I'm completely broken and I just want to move on from this break-up and become indifferent to her and her new boyfriend. I hate thinking about her 24/7, but that's all I do. I just want to move on and be hopeful and confident that I'll meet someone better for me. Has anyone else dealt with these obsessive thoughts? What are some ways to stop torturing myself with these regrets and overthinking?
@spence818
Hi there! Thank you for reaching out and sharing to the Relationship and Friendship support sub-community.
I understand you have been dealing with a lot of thoughts and confusion recently regarding your past relationship and I'm here to tell you, that is very normal. After a relationship ends, especially if you weren't the one to end it, usually your mind ponders on the 'what-ifs', including asking yourself what you could've done better, where did you go wrong, will they ever come back, should I really move on, etc. That's completly normal and you aren't alone.
Going through a breakup can put a lot of strain on your mind and at the moment, you are right in the middle of that. You can't change the past of your relationship and it's not fair to yourself to ponder more and more about it. To get over a breakup or 'move on', it takes time. Distracting your mind with hobbies and others can help to move along the process. It may be too soon in your mind but, distracting yourself with someone new definietly is proven to help but, that's all up to you.
I have attached a link with 20 ways to get over an ex, hopefully you find that helpful to distract your mind.
I wish you all the best and please feel free to direct message if you would like to chat more.
https://www.7cups.com/@goldenFlower74
Good luck :)
@spence818 My friend, 5 months after the break up is still very raw, go gently and easily on yourself! You loved this person, I imagine, for 3 solid years. It can take time.
In my break ups, looking into the '5 stages of grief' has helped me most. (Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Acceptance)
Also, each relationship varies too. Time doesn't necessarily mean anything.
My first love was only a 2 year, 3 month relationship. I'm 6 years on and I'm only just managing to heal fully.
And my second relationship was for 4 years. And within 10 months I feel like I'm healed.
So break ups can be tricky.
Talking here and getting it off your chest, whatever comes up, and not feelign shame or guilt or anything, just forgiveness and acceptance, can be the beginning of the healing process.