I Just Can't Let Go and Stop Living In The Past

@xxambygirlxx

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

I'm 17 years old and I've been feeling really down recently and this isn't normal for me as I've always been quite a positive person who can avoid getting dragged down by things too deeply, (Avoid getting dragged down by things?, its this similar to pushing things under the rug and to the back of your mind?) but over the last 10 months I've really not felt myself and trying to deal with it on my own isn't really working. (This tells me that you were probably deeply hurt growing up when it comes to opening up, sharing what you are going through because it could be too painful. The not feeling yourself probably has to do with how things are super overwhelming for you because for awhile you have been handling things by yourself so now everything is escaping)

I've recently moved schools for sixth form and have lost a lot of friends during the transition period who I had been very close with for the past 5 years. I've not been coping well with that and always avoid letting go and instead try to clutch onto past memories in hope of that providing me with some comfort, etc. (I could be wrong here, you can correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the feeling that you tend to avoid feeling pain and hurt at any cost, its too much for you to handle things so you tend to avoid and not deal with them soon as it happens, instead you begin to use other coping mechanisms as a relief). But I don't think it's healthy for me to bury things and bottle them up. (I get the feeling that they were times growing up where you express yourself, but the other or others dismiss your feelings, and possibly they would show frustration and hostility towards you so in order to handle this you started to keep things inside because you didn't want to make them mad or them withdrawing their love from you).

I also broke up with my boyfriend 8 months ago who I had a very deep connection with and am constantly wondering whether ending it was a mistake or not. I have been referred to as "poisonous" in the past for always seeming to hurt people I become close to. (You are not poisonous its just you can't handle closeness well at all, too much closeness makes you feel comfortable. In your case if your boyfriend wanted too much closeness, spend time with you, acted on ways to gain closeness then more than likely you'll back away and feel uncomfortable) But it's just cause I'm so indecisive and scared that I push them away and I'm scared I'll never find someone I'm 100% certain about :( (If you are scared and say to your mind "Im scared ill push them away", then the mind will read that and then thats exactly what will happen, thoughts are very powerful like that. You are scare to push them away probably has to do with your earlier years).

I've been trying to read online about things that could be wrong with me and descriptions about having a 'fearful avoidant attachment style' seem to be accurate. (People with Avoidant Attachment Style tend to be very independent but in the most unhealthy way. They tend to push things under the rug, dismiss their own feelings so they will dimiss other people feelings. They also tend to say things like "I don't want to talk about it", these kind of people have been hurt, they dissapointed them heavily so their way of doing things its to not communicate and keeping things inside). Has anyone come across that before? It seems to make sense and I think it could be the reason why many of my close relationships have deteriorated, so it's something I'd like to potentially discuss and fix.