I can't tell if the spark is lost, fear of missing out, just depressed, or all
Since I was 16, I started dating a girl, we dated for 8 years, and we broke up. We were mostly used to each other, than anything else.
2 months later, I started dating my gf. We've been dating for a year and a half. Everything looked good, we both in love, never fought.
One year and a half later, we still never fought, we have an almost perfect communication. When something's wrong, we talk, and we fix it. Honestly, it's amazing.
We've been trying to start living together, and we planned to do so in a year-ish. There are also some small home furniture we started to buy, for when we do so.
But there are a few things I can't quite figure out. I've been through this for a month now, and I still do not have the answer.
I don't have the best job in the world, and it's been quite hard for me to get a new job even with a Masters. It's letting me down, and it's stressing me, but I'm trying to not let it depress me as much, and not lose my everyday smile. But internally, it's beating me down.
Lately, I've been noticing I don't laugh with her as much, being with her doesn't make me as happy as before, I don't even do those small things, like run my fingers on her hair as much as I would before.
Honestly, I'm even losing my sex drive with her, as she doesn't seem as attractive. We haven't also been together as much, as I don't seek for her presence as much as I would before.
I don't know, recently I've been wanting to be single, to be free, I don't know I feel I've never been single since puberty, it's pretty much FOMO, as the total time I've been single since I was 16 was 2 months.
But coming from an 8 year relationship, and now a year and a half relationship, I know how good it feels to be with someone, to have someone I may love (I can't tell), and to have a partner like her, who understands me, who communicate perfectly.
It's making me feel like a bad person. She loves me THAT much, she would even miss work to be with me, if I asked to. I can tell in her eyes, and in her smile. She would even tell me before, "I don't know what I'd do, if I lose you. I'd feel so lonely, I couldn't bare it." And that feels like a lot of pressure.
And I can't tell why this is happening. I can't understand if my professional situation is making me depressed. I can't tell if I'm losing the spark, I don't know if it's FOMO (fear of missing out) I don't want to risk it all, to lose her, because of a simple depression or just FOMO. I don't know. I don't want to lose if, if I may still lose her, since how good we are together. I also don't want her to do anything wrong with herself, if I choose to breakup.
She several times said "there has always been someone better than me, for everyone who had been with me. I've never been enough." and remembering it, sure makes me feel bad...
What should I even do? Thank you so much
@pblemos
I'll save you a lot of time, effort, energy, money, and pain - forget FOMO. It's an empty pursuit, and there is no one there. The grass always seems greener on the other side, but then when you get what you thought you want, it's not as green as you once thought and she has all kinds of issues that your original relationship did not have, thus you'll end up in despair. We often look around and wonder what we can do to make things, our lives, jobs, situations better as a form of self-improvement but be careful with what we think needs changing. Sometimes the best things aren't things, but people and often they can be right under your nose the whole time but you were blind not to see it at the time.
You describe a great woman, the one you're with now. She seems ecstatic about being with you, and maybe a little co-dependent, but other than that, seems like you found a winner. There are a lot of great qualities that you have in your relationship now, and if you haven't done so, I'd recommend you write them down. I mean, write - them - down, and take a good look at what you have. I think far too often in life, we focus so much on what we don't have than what we have.
Dating is supposed to be fun. It's not. Tinder, dating sites, playing the field - sure, it's fun for a bit, but it's also very lonely and not to mention empty. That is because there is very little depth to those relationships, they are mostly empty.
It sounds to me that it's not as much depression, as much as it's the feeling of loss of direction in life. This is where a good solid mentor might come in very handy. If you want, a therapist can help - but, just know that it's more about what you put into it that makes all the difference.
Perhaps you may feel as though you're not where you feel that you should have been ... in your life. Just know, that is self-manufactured. Yeah, you made that up. It's something you've convinced yourself. This also means that the unrealistic expectations are causing you anxiety and self-doubt, also impacting your relationship because if you're not feeling where you should be then, you wonder why she's with you... and why she can't see what is really going on with you, under the hood (mind).
If there is depression, it's probably mild - and self-inflicted by the sounds of your wording/post. I'd suggest doing a bit of soul searching, figuring out where you need to be and how you're best going to achieve your goals. Find a mentor, or two, and if that doesn't jump-start your path then a therapist can step in to help. Either way, do not attempt to go at this alone, and btw, your girlfriend is not on the hook to help, but only supports your mission.
I wish you well in your journey. Try to remember that life is just that, not a destination.