I feel so stupid. I should've known.
Our 4 year relationship ended when I found out he had a texting app downloaded into his phone that he was using to message and call other women. Everything was pointing to him and what he was doing. It led to a big fight that got physical on both sides. We broke up and he went right back to what he was doing. It's been 4 days and since day 3 he's been showing me his irrefutable evidence that it wasn't him. Part of me wants to believe him but the other part knows better. Everything was right there!! This isn't the first time he cheated, physically or emotionally. The damnedest part of it is I still miss him. I find myself wishing we could reconcile but I know I deserve better. I don't even really want him back!! I don't understand it!! He treated me so badly when I think back. I was always lonely and unhappy. This hurts like hell but under the anger and tears and sadness and hurt I feel a lightness about me. I don't understand this!!
@TurtlePaws85 hi there, i'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. It sounds like he has really done some things that have damaged your relationship and your trust in him. I can understand you wanting to just make things better and your desire for things to just work out - it would definitely be much easier - unfortunately we can't force people to reciprocate our feelings and our efforts - and if he is unable to fulfill you in the ways you need a partner, then you should keep looking forward and not settle for anything less than you deserve. You should not feel stupid because of his mistakes - you chose to have faith in him despite the signs which shows that you really loved and cared for him and expected from him, what you put in (RECIPROCATION) and that is nothing to feel at fault for! That shows just how compassionate you are - that is your strength! Yes, it will hurt for some time and no it will not be easy, but I am sure that when you find the right person, it WILL be worth it. I think now is a good time to focus on you - show yourself some love! Take some time to do the things you love doing, the things that make you feel good, pick up a hobby or a class you enjoy or have always wanted to try - take this as a period of me-time and enjoy every minute of it. I find that focussing on you rather than him, definitely helps speed up the recovery time. Your heart needs time to heal. Take this time to take care of yourself and remember your worth. You deserve to be happy and treated with loyalty and respect. All the best. xo
@calidescopeheart This is so hard!! I have days where I switch between missing him, wondering if he misses me, if he thinks of me, if he still loves me to guilt over blasting him on Facebook and my part in our physical altercation to anger over how he treated me and made me feel to clarity on why we needed to break up eventually. Tonight I am missing the way he used to kiss the back of my hands when we would part, our last swimming trip together and the group picture we took with family when he rested his hand on my shoulder, the way he would blow me air kisses as we drove down the road. Ugh!! I just want to forget!! I KNOW we aren't getting back together. Part of me just wants to reconcile because I miss him so much and I still love him. We seen each other the other day and he barely even looked at me, didn't talk to me at all. Was I stupid for letting us break up over his cheating? I'm not even sure anymore of what I seen!! I just want to forget. This is too painful. How am I supposed to get through this AND my grief? It's like another piece of me died!! It hurts too much...