I know it won't ever work, but I really wish it did.
I've been in love with my best friend for almost 12 years now. We started dating a year and a half ago, but now we've broken up. In my head, I keep thinking that maybe we could try again. Maybe we could make this work. I loved him for so long, and I'm scared to let him go. We say we'll always be friends, but will we really?
The truth is, the reason we couldn't stay together was because our personalities couldn't mesh in a romantic relationship. He was always welcoming to anyone--no matter their background. He had friends who were borderline racist, sexist, and overall offensive, but as long as his friends kept those beliefs away from their friendship, he didn't care. (He never held those same beliefs. He just wanted to be friendly to everyone.) He hated politics because picking one side would hurt another, and he just didn't want to hurt anyone. He preferred to stay silent instead of speaking out against something wrong.
But I've always thought that silence strengthens oppressors and weakens the victims. I was never able to agree with him on that, and in the dying moments of our relationship, I called him out on it one last time. No matter how "okay" he was with my politcal beliefs, I just couldn't be okay with his. I love him with all my heart, but I know we can't stay together. It would just hurt us both even more. He told me that he never could truly be himself around me because he was afraid that he would say something that contradicted my values and that doing so would force me to dislike him.
Lately, I've been wondering if it was my fault that we broke up. I read an article about falling in love and how when you love someone, you choose to love them. And that means you choose to accept their feelings, forgive their mistakes, and support them. But maybe it was my fault for never really being honest with myself. I knew that I wanted someone who agreed with my values to be my partner. I knew that my ex just didn't. But I was willing to ignore that fact because I thought we would grow together and change for the better.
I was so delusional.
But I still feel so conflicted. Am I just not welcoming enough? Should I be friends with everyone too? I deserve to assert my preferences, don't I? If I'm hoping for someone to have the same values as me, I shouldn't be afraid to decline people who aren't compatible with me, right? I'm so scared. He's my best friend, and I somehow simultaneously feel like I'm making the right and wrong decision to break up with him. I just don't want to lose him.
@mootmoot16
Hey there, thank you for reaching out here.
I understand that your differences made you both fall apart and it's okay. If you both felt like you couldn't accommodate a romantic relationship and a friendship would be more healthy for you then so be it.
12 years is a long time to be in love with someone so I understand why it's so hard for you to cope with it and still hope that it might work.
You both have your own opinions and contradicting personalities. I see why that might be a problem.
Personally, I don't think it was anyone's fault. Sometimes, it just doesn't work out and it's normal. The article was correct when it said that loving someone means you have to accept everything about them but that doesn't mean you can change what you believe in because your thoughts and beliefs are what define you and make you who you are.
Sometimes we just want it to work so bad that we ignore everything around us, pur subconscious mind knows that it wouldn't work out but our feelings force us.
I don't think you need to change yourself just to accommodate someone else's views. You are your own person and I believe you should stay true to who you are. Trust your decisions on who you be friends with.
I understand why you don't want to lose him. The thought of totally losing your best friend and the guy you've loved for so long can be very scary.
At the end of the day, breaking up or not... that's totally your decision to make but if you feel like it wouldn't work then I would suggest you to go with what you feel you should do.
Good luck and best wishes! :)
@Affliction1 Thank you for your insight. It's been so difficult for me to find my footing, and I still don't think I completely have. What you said really helped. In the end, my ex and I just didn't match as well as we thought we would.
@mootmoot16
You're very much welcome.
I understand why it's so difficult for you and I hope you find some clarity soon. I'm so glad I could be of help.
Also, please feel free to connect to a listener if you wish to seek more long term support on it. We're here for you in the forums regardless :)
The people around you have a huge impact on your life. You have a right only to let those into your circle who are people you actually want to be around. Putting your foot down and speaking out is fine.
