I'm Asian girl with a British bf in long distance relationship~
We r now tgt for 8 mths, but he said breakup to me for few times..he said he wanted to find someone who more similar to him, he is logical, rational and cold sometime. He don't like the way I'm being too caring and big hearted. When he is down, I'm trying to console him emotionally, but he expect me to console in another way like giving him some reason or evidences not to unhappy over the issue. He don appreciate the way I compromise and committed to him. He wish that I'm more logical and intellectual, so I can debate with him sometime instead just tolerance with him. I love him and don feel like giving up, but he alwz confuse with what he want. He said breakup, but he still wan to care of me in another way. What should I do?
@gregariousComputer254
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. I would like to point out a few things;
We r now tgt for 8 mths, but he said breakup to me for few times..(This is probably an on/off kind of relationship where he probably tends to push away if you get too close, or he sabotages things, or something else). he said he wanted to find someone who more similar to him, he is logical, rational and cold sometime. (He did stated what he wanted, so its not a good idea to maintain some sort of relationship with him since he wants someone similar to him). He don't like the way I'm being too caring and big hearted. (This probably has to do because growing up he only received a small portion of love, so when you give a lot of love it makes him feel uncomfortable. He is very afraid of closeness, so if you are too caring and loving then he will do and say things to push you away so he can have space away from you. Its very challenging dating someone like this because of the struggles of intimacy, one person wants closeness (you), and the other wants more distance (him). When he is down, I'm trying to console him emotionally, but he expect me to console in another way like giving him some reason or evidences not to unhappy over the issue. (Hmmm, this sounds complicated, its as if he has a different way to feel comforted and loved). He don appreciate the way I compromise and committed to him. He wish that I'm more logical and intellectual, so I can debate with him sometime instead just tolerance with him. (In here you got to really think about the relationship, if you are not what he wants, then its better to be with someone who share similar values, beliefs, and other things, it sounds like you two have nothing in common). I love him and don feel like giving up, but he alwz confuse with what he want. He said breakup, but he still wan to care of me in another way. (You can't have a healthy and loving relationship with a person who feels you don't have the kind of qualities he wants, it'll make you feel unhappy and hurt).
@freshLight64
thanks so much for ur advises. In every aspects that We look thru, is true that we have ntg much in common, or myb is nothing. But I just can't pursue myself that I should just let go like this. I still love him..we don have much arguments, everytime we found problem den we will speak it out and discuss tgt. But the cultural n nothing in common problems will alwz exist even I already tried my best to follow him n change to be better for him. But still not enough for him as his expectation..I just don feel like give up yet...:(
@gregariousComputer254
he said he wanted to find someone who more similar to him, he is logical, rational and cold sometime. - it may not be about personality but about common culture and similar background. it's normal to try to find the easier way out in anything so i don't find it unexpected for him to want that. what matters is how you both can accept your differences and look for similarities in order to create a good and strong ground to grow your relationship on.
he expect me to console in another way like giving him some reason or evidences not to unhappy over the issue - i don't understand what you mean here.
He don appreciate the way I compromise and committed to him. - what are you compromising more exactly?
He wish that I'm more logical and intellectual, so I can debate with him sometime instead just tolerance with him - from all you're saying it looks like he just wants someone there for him but doesn't really accept your true self at all. why not try and be friends? he is rigid from all you're relating in this small post of yours and even if he asks a lot he doesn't seem to understand you try your hardest and it may be a bit too forced.
What do you want to do? If you ask online it might mean you aren't happy with this either. Loving someone means accepting them. What do you love about him? Do you feel supported? Do you find him compromising when you need him too? Don't fool yourself. Let your gut tell you what to do because it might be harder with each day that passes if you don't resolve this clear communication issue.
Good luck!
