I'm scared to leave
My husband and I have been married for over 25 years. We've had some very rough times together. I love him very much but he's very manipulative and possibly even abusive. We've had some terrible fights over the years, and although the fighting has toned down, there is still a lot of tension in the house.
He has threatened to end himself on more than one occasion. The most recent was just a few weeks ago after he got angry at our children (grown but at home) because they told him that he often acts angry. He was going to walk out, and I told him that if he did, not to come back. He then threatened to end himself and the younger child talked him out of it. This isn't the first time this child has been put in that position, and she subsequently moved out that night. She no longer feels safe here. In addition to my younger daughter moving out, this whole incident ended up with my older daughter (who has serious health issues) in the stress unit.
I understand that I was wrong by telling him not to come back, but I am so tired of feeling like he treats us like crap. It's his way or his way. He complains that I change my expectations, but the truth is we never know what to expect from him. We often have to explain a decision (this fight started because younger mentioned that her favorite car has changed and she had no explanation for it), but then when we get used to trying to explain everything, he says it's not necessary. We have been expected to recount conversations with others because he has to know what was said.
Every time I get ready to leave him, he goes back to being nice and acting like he's trying to work things out. We are supposed to go to marriage counseling next week, but I'm concerned that he's going to make me look like I am the problem.
I'm also concerned that he will either end himself or become violent if I leave. In addition, he is disabled and has become so dependent on me that I'm concerned how he will survive if I leave. I handle the finances, most of the shopping, etc. My older daughter and I keep up with the housework.
My younger daughter said she'd come back home if I divorced her dad. I know that would break his heart, but I really don't know what to do. She loves her dad, but can't be around him for any length of time without a fight because of the way we are treated.
@CautiousKitten4644
Thank you for opening up and sharing something so deeply personal and painful. First and foremost, I want you to know this: you are not alone and your feelings are real and valid. You've carried a heavy weight for a very long time, trying to protect everyone including the very person who's hurting you and your children.
It’s clear you’ve tried, over and over again. You’ve stood by him through love, hardship, manipulation, and fear. Twenty-five years is not a small thing and yet, it’s also okay to acknowledge that time spent doesn’t justify ongoing emotional damage. You are allowed to want peace. You are allowed to want safety for yourself, for your daughters, and even for your husband, without sacrificing your well-being.
What you described sounds incredibly painful. It’s not just conflict it’s a cycle of control, guilt, and fear. It’s not your fault that he threatens to hurt himself, and it is not your responsibility to manage his emotions or actions. That is a burden no one should be forced to carry, especially not your children. They deserve safety too and so do you.
It’s okay that you're exhausted. It's okay that you're confused, scared, and heartbroken. You've been in survival mode for so long, trying to keep the peace, hold the pieces together, and be everything for everyone. But it’s not selfish to finally ask: Who’s taking care of me?
Counseling might help but only if it’s a safe space where your voice is heard and respected. And even then, it’s okay if counseling doesn’t fix everything. Sometimes, the most courageous and loving thing we can do is to let go of what’s hurting us and our family even when it feels impossible.
Whatever choice you make, I hope you choose you. Choose peace. Choose healing. You are worthy of a life without fear, without walking on eggshells. And your daughters who clearly love and look up to you deserve that, too.
Please don’t try to do this alone. Reach out to a therapist, a support group, a friend. There are people who will stand with you as you decide what’s next. You don’t have to carry this by yourself anymore.
You deserve safety. You deserve respect. You deserve to breathe without fear. Whatever you choose, I hope you do it knowing you are strong, brave, and worthy of real peace.
Thank you for responding. I appreciate it
