I'm so confused... ranting, sorry :(
Sorry in advance for the length of this post, nights are the worst when it comes to emotions :/
I went through a breakup in October. We were together for 1 year, 8 months and we were just so in love with each other. We did everything together and were already planning our future. I made the mistake of confiding in a friend who I didn't realize was so overbearing when it came to ruts in relationships. She told me to break up with him, and that continued for a month or so, leading to my emotional breakdowns. To get her off my back because standing up to her didn't work and I was miserable with the overwhelming breakup talk from her, I broke it off with my boyfriend. I regretted it as soon as I had said what I had said to him.
Maybe two weeks after the breakup and not hearing anything from him, I decided to go to his house to explain that this was not what I wanted and I just needed some kind of closure. We ended up talking and I said that it wasn't what I wanted and he said (fair point I may add), I chose a friend of 3 months, over him who I had been with for nearly 2 years. Hearing him say that broke my heart. I messed up...bad. He said that he was over me, had moved on, didn't feel anything for me, but didn't hold anything negative against me. I told him that I wished we could start over and he said that he wished there was a time machine so that we could start over. When I started to cry, he just hugged me and rubbed my back for as long as I needed. Then he proceeded to hold my hand, tears in his eyes. He left and even though it wasn't what I wanted, I had gotten my closure.
The next morning, I woke up to a text from him saying that we would've worked out. I told him it was still possible, that I would be moving out soon and that I don't talk to that overbearing friend anymore, even though I knew she was only trying to be nice. He kept saying no, that he couldn't do that now and that he needed time away from me for a long time. He never said he couldn't date me specifically so of course I cling onto that hope... I keep telling myself that he couldn't already be moved on and no longer love me in less than 2 weeks after a near 2 year relationship. I told him that I'd give him his time. I said that he had already given me hope. He's the type of person who would shut that message down if he knew there was no hope...but he's also someone who believes that if there's a single breakup in a relationship, the couple is automatically deemed unsuccessful. Yet, I know many couples who are going strong and have broken up more than once.
I still feel that we have a slight chance, but I am confused about his feelings and whether I should even think of approaching him again and telling him that I am getting therapy and that I've found 7 Cups for additional support so I'm not so high strung and stressed. I want to work things out and it feels like he does too. I don't really know where to go from here. I'm trying my best to live each day by taking care of me and doing what I like, but he's always on the back of my mind, even though I try not to think of him possibly talking to me in the future.
@MissTails
I am really sorry to hear this. Regret is so hard to live with, especially when it comes to relationships.You really like him and want to get back together. However, because of the breakup, he thinks that it won't ever work again. It's understandable why he doesn't seem willing to get back together. However, the fact that he believes you could have work might lead him to change his mind again. Do you think you can convince and reassure him that something like this won't happen again?
@EnchantingMe
I don't blame him for not wanting to get back together under the circumstances because you know, I would be really upset too if he did the same thing and listened to a friend of so little time over me. When we ended up chatting, I asked him if he had ever felt abused because some third party people had mentioned abuse towards our relationship. So I had asked him, not prepared to have a good answer for it, and he said yes. He explained that he felt that I didn't reciprocate enough in the relationship. I've talked to a few people on here and they said that that isn't abuse, it's just neediness, which every relationship has. Thinking back on that, I realize why he felt that way. He used to be crazy busy with school and work and I used to be the one who had all the free time in the world and would always ask him if he wanted to hang out. That was probably the first half of the relationship. The second half, the roles reveresed and I got into my program at uni and got super busy with classes, working two jobs, plus any seminars that popped up for my program. He had so much free time on top of his classes and had ended up quitting his job and is currently unemployed, so he became the one constantly making the plans. I don't think he liked that. He wasn't used to the fact that I was busier than him, because I did try my hardest to do everything for him and to give him everything he needed (the amount of dates I paid for because I had an income and he didn't...). So, all in all, I feel that if there was something I could tell him to I guess reassure him that things could get better if he wanted them to work is that we can work on this role reversal and make sure that there is a happy medium here and I would probably tell him that I am getting therapy and that I have found this website, so he doesn't have to deal with my stress all the time as he did feel like more of a therapist at times than a boyfriend. I feel like we did have a lack of communication because I had no clue that he felt that i wasn't reciprocating. I think that is one of our biggest issues.
Thank you so much for reading my post and supporting me through this as well :)
@MissTails
Yes, I get what you mean. Lack of commmunication can be a huge barrier in having healthy relationships. Love takes work and there's a lot that two people need to learn in this journey, clear communication being one of them. I think that's what relationships are for - they show the areas we need to work on and where we can grow.
Take care of yourself. I hope things work out for you. <3
@MissTails
Isnt it sad that some people who claim to be our friends really dont have our best interest at heart? I have learned over the years to be very careful about the friends I keep and who I seek wise counsel from. Its normal that you still think about him and want to be together, you guys were together for a long time and the breakup is really fresh still. I know you have hope, and there might be a chance, Im not sure but from what you said in the message he sounds pretty clear about being over the relationship. Taking care of yourself is so important and I encourage you to continue to do so. Your heart will heal with time and processing of your thoughts and emotions.
