I need help

I don’t feel good emotionally. I’ve had alot of problems with my ex/bf. Who knows what he is at any given time because we’re on/off so much. It’s been 4 years. I feel like he’s the love of my life and I want to be with him forever. I’m 45, so i’ve been in alot of relationships and have been married. I’ve left all of them. Every one i’ve been in and thought I was in love I fell out of love. Not with him. I love him and never have I fell out of love with him. He’s different to me then the others. I read your stories about your marcs being good to you sometimes. He has never been great to me. He has never promised me anything. As a matter of fact he told me he will never marry or live with me. He doesn’t shower me with love. He basically does nothing for me. He gives me his time on the weekends. He ghosts me and leaves me all the time. Then comes back. I keep hoping he will change. Or I think he doesn’t really mean it and that deep down he loves me. Or deep down I keep thinking he will want to live with me and marry me some day. Everytime he ghosts me I take it very hard. I don’t know what to do. I am run down over this. He’s destroying me. And I keep thinking I will ghost him and never let him back. Only because what if i’m making a mistake and he does change. Am I just really fucked up? Idk how i’m so in love with someone who does so little for me. I have no friends so that doesn’t help. He’s the only one in my life. Everytime he does this to me it puts me in a bad place mentally and i’m stuck depressed in bed all day unable to function.