I need someone to understand me
I feel like I shouldnt bring this up again a.k.a opening old pages.. but since I cant tell my friends or anyone I feel like I want to share my secret here. The secret I carry with me everywhere , it started to frustrate me and kill me more than usual.. I know I lost my ex bf for leaving him simply bc I got influenced into IGBT community and liked someone else 3 years ago what still haunts me that she wasnt worth it at all and I cant look at her without hating her existence bc she is the reason why I left my ex bf not the fact she left me bc her mom founds out lol *we were grade 10*.. I really broke him and he never looked back , never gave me a second chance , he treated me badly and harshly, he moved on and forgotten about me on a heart beat even though I am his first. He rejected me 5 times he couldnt give a damn until I had to accept it and move on too.. the last letter from him explaining that he doesnt want anything to do with me kinda helped me survive a year without texting him and spamming him like a stupid kid or freak who is dying over her ex bf.. it been 3 years since we broke up and it tore me apart like what I was thinking?!.. I was new in that school and I was just making friends and met few different sexualities Which are my closest friends to me right now Im happy I found them because we have a lot in common and they helped me get through a lot.. my depression and heart break ..Ill always be thankful for everything. I have tried to replace him with so many ppl and Ik I used a lot of ppl to get over my ex bf but it never worked but instead it brought a lot of toxicity in my life.. met the wrong ppl , got into relationships with the wrong ones , made new toxic friends that made me go downhill... all I wanted is to stop loving him bc I know he doesnt even think about me not even a second.. until that one day came and I met this new guy who is currently my bf for a year now.. he changed me made me stronger person emotionally and mentally. I came to the realization that some ppl doesnt deserve to be in my life , I blocked all those other ppl , changed my accounts , cleaned my mess , took time off from social media and honestly it brought me so much peace.. Im not really that happy but I am ok and started to enjoy life. Some ppl left me and some showed me their true colors kinda feels like I woke up from a nightmare and started to notice things. My secret is that I have him in my heart till this day, hes a thought i have in the back of my head , every time I listen to something I think about him not my bf , I keep creating scenarios in my head and make memories with him , I keep imagining him in my head smiling and all being goofy.. sad and happy imaginations it feels real. Every time I miss him , I go and love my bf. Every time I want to hug him , I go and hug my bf.. sometimes I think do I really love my current bf or I am just doing well bc of him that I cant go through that pain again... He is good to me and treats me well.. my friends arent always there , I kinda have to get my own back but I am someone who wants to be cared about and get that attention from someone , listens to me what I got to say and I got that from my bf.. but I think thats the end no hope for anything.
@Unknownxx1 Hey, I'm sorry to hear about the pain you're enduring in your heart but also glad to hear you have someone like your current bf in your life, who's there for you and gives you the love you deserve. I can't say that I fully understand your situation because personally I haven't had that much emotional connection with someone as you still have for your ex but I think people who enter our lives, they have been there for a reason. So maybe there's no need for you to blame yourself for the past relationship (good or bad), it was an experience. When we keep thinking about our relationships in the past, there's always an unconscious search for the blame. It's either "What was wrong with me?" or "What was wrong with him/her?" I've read somewhere that our mind tries to protect us with memories or dreams. It creates fake scenarios in which you probably wouldn't have been hurt as much as you have and it's only natural that you take refuge in them because, in this version, you could be with that person minus everything that was so harmful to you. I'm no relationship expert but I know for a fact that the first step to deal with almost any kind of emotion is to accept it for what it is. So I can imagine you might feel guilty because you think about your ex when you're with your bf now but it's normal to have any kind of thought about your past relationship. It was a part of your life anyway, people don't magically forget someone (especially someone they had deep feelings for) just because they're in a new relationship now. So give yourself more time and the freedom to have these thoughts without guilt. Observe them, see what happens to you and your mind when you have these memories/fantasies. When you observe your thoughts you become more aware of them, that is you won't get drawn in them because you know what's happening to you at that moment. One way is to write these thoughts down, which helps me a lot in many different cases. If you do this long enough, chances are these thoughts lose their impact on you without you trying to fight them. The worst thing to do is to blame yourself for emotions because there's no invalid feeling, there are wrong actions (which might be based on those feelings like if someone keeps calling a toxic ex because they can't stop thinking about them) but there's nothing wrong with having the feelings that you have.
I hope you can find peace with your thoughts and feelings in time and have the best memories in your current relationship that replace the bad ones.
Not a native speaker, sorry.
