In need of some advice

I am going through a kind of semi-breakup and need an outsider's opinion on this preferably from a male point of view to help me try to understand where my boyfriend is coming from. I am 24 years old and have been in a relationship with my first boyfriend ever for the past 8 months but lately things have been different. When we first started talking he was head over heels for a 17 year old bisexual girl who used and abused him for his money and wound up choosing her ex girlfriend over him. So as a future therapist I helped talk him through his depressed state constantly telling him that he was an amazing guy and there were plenty of other girls out there that dreamed of finding exactly him one day and that I would be very lucky to end up with someone like him. He's 28 years old and was married for 4 1/2 years to a controlling woman but he had been divorced for over 3 years and was desperate to get a girlfriend and settle down and get married and have kids. So several months go by and he and I had been hanging out as friends and growing closer and closer and he had the idea to go to my hometown for a couple days to see my parents and just to have a nice getaway. While there he asked me officially to be his girlfriend and I gladly accepted. I was beyond thrilled, I had found everything I had been looking for in this man and I couldn't wait to start our life together. We were both so giddy and so eager to be together and go on and build a life and a family and a future together. We had been dating a week and he was talking about when we get a place together and get married and have kids and how if we had a daughter he wanted to name her Jade and what a great mom he knew I was going to be. The future looked so bright, so hopeful. So beautiful. I couldn't be more excited. When we were dating for only a month he spent $200 on a 3DS for me for my birthday trying to get me into Animal Crossing so we could play together, which I was all for. I loved that he wanted to have a hobby to do together. For Christmas he bought me a beautiful heart diamond necklace and got it engraved for me. At that time he mentioned wanting to pay $2,000 on an engagement ring for me when the time came saying he refused to go cheap and he told a mutual friend he planned on proposing to me sometime this year. We were growing closer, our bond was strengthening and the new year kicked off better than ever.
But shortly after the new year, he started texting another 17 year old girl from work, from another location who was eager to try to move to our location because she didn't get along with her current manager and he wasn't working with her schedule. I don't know what it was about her, but I just got this gut feeling that my world was about to collapse around me. It felt like I had been gut punched because I could not get over this feeling that she was into him and since he and I worked together she obviously didn't know he and I were dating and he couldn't tell her or she could've reported us and gotten him fired. So I sat on my feelings because I didn't want any unnecessary complications and I didn't want to give her a reason to retaliate against us. I trusted him and regardless of whether or not she was into him I knew he would never do anything and he would stop her if she tried to do anything. I know my insecurity stems from the fact that I talked him thru a kind of breakup with a 17 year old so her age really bothered me and the fact that he was talking to her and texting her so much. I finally approached him about it just to get it off my chest and I said "I don't mind if you're friends with her but I just get this feeling that she's into you. Something about her just rubs me the wrong way I don't know what it is". And he assured me that they weren't really friends he was talking to her so much simply since she was so eager to transfer to our store and he was trying to put plans in motion to make that happen, but he denied even being friends with her at that time. So I backed off because I didn't want him to think I'm crazy or something-especially since he had been in controlling abusive relationships before me, I didn't want him thinking I was anything like his ex wife.
Eventually he pulled strings and got his boss to agree to move her over so she came to our store and shortly thereafter she started throwing herself into the workplace, coming in on her days off while he was there and just hanging out for hours, she would bring him In n out burgers or other food just for him and no one else, she would clock out and stay for hours after her shifts were long over just bumming around in the back office, which to me is a huge red flag. That's the same stuff I did when I was interested in him so I recognized the signs. When I confronted him about it, he claimed that she probably only brought him in n out since he had brought some for me and her one day so she was just returning the favor. He said that she was just really devoted to the job and she always goes to her old store on her days off too and just spends hours on end there just to be there, and he said the day she clocked out and stayed so late, the district manager was coming to visit the next day so she was printing out paperwork and stuff in the back office but he said he was running shift and saw her for like two seconds but he said she stayed in the back the entire time and barely talked to him. So I was like "ok my mistake I'm overthinking and reading too much into things".
It all imploded though when one night he had me working her shift so she could do attendance recovery to graduate high school and she wound up texting him at 7:40 when she got out of school asking if she could go over to play Dragon Age coz she loves video games-like she'll stay up all night playing video games and then go straight to school or work without a blink of sleep which is why she's failing all of her classes and why she has to do attendance recovery to begin with. And I told him from the very beginning I don't have any problem with you having friends or hanging out with other people but please just shoot me a text and let me know what's going just so I know. He didn't text me until I was already heading over to his place and said "oh she's here playing dragon age so we've got that going" and I was really blind sighted by that. I had told him she made me uncomfortable, that I felt like she was into him just a week ago and he assured me that he didn't think she was but that he would tread carefully and be cautious. I arrived at his house and he had the front door unlocked for me to walk right in and he had pulled in a chair for her to sit in in his room simply coz his sister was sleeping downstairs and his niece and nephew were sleeping upstairs but his bedroom door was wide open and he told me that he had her over to his place coz he didn't feel like it would be good to go to her place so he was playing it smart and trying to avoid a bad situation which is good, but I was still upset that he neglected to tell me she was over before she actually came so I told him next time she texts at 7:40, he should text me at 7:41 saying "hey she's coming over to play some games just letting u know". That's it. That's all I want. I don't think that's unreasonable or too much to ask but he's a guy and I know he sees things differently. The way he sees it is he wasn't doing anything wrong. He wasn't cheating on me, they were just playing games, so he doesn't understand why I got so upset and blew everything out of proportion. And to add insult to injury I made an incredibly stupid decision before he and I actually talked in a moment of blind anger and texted the other two managers that we worked with telling them about him and me dating for 8 months and how I was so angry coz he had her over to play games and didn't tell me til she was already there when I had told him she made me uncomfortable. In doing so, I could've very well gotten him fired if they had decided to report him to our superiors, both for his relationship with me and for hanging out with a 17 year old manager that he was over when the rules are that he's not allowed to hang out with coworkers outside of work, so he and I weren't even supposed to dating. I knew that but I was so angry at him and sitting there listening to them banter and play their dragon age just infuriated me and I had all this rage brewing inside of me with no outlet so I resorted to texting them in the hopes that they would give me some advice from a guy's perspective on what I should do. Instead of offering me advice they told him I vented to them about everything after I had vented to them twice before in novel text messages: once when I felt responsible for costing the store points during the evaluation when our superiors came to inspect months before and then after that he had made a comment about the orders we had messed up that cost us the points and I thought he said I had messed up so I felt like he was blaming me and I already blamed myself enough and felt responsible for ruining his perfect score so I got upset and texted all 3 managers at that time. My boyfriend was obviously very upset that I texted them about him having her over since I have a history of venting to others instead of going straight to him when he upsets me coz he said I threw him under the bus and that could've cost him his job. I didn't think about the consequences when I sent those text messages; I just acted. I was frustrated and he was playing games and laughing and having a good old time with this girl while I was seething on the inside. I finally pulled him outside when he had explained that she apparently is bi leaning more towards lez and that they were just playing games and I know he probably felt like I didn't trust him. And I had already sent the texts and I couldn't take that back so the damage was already done. I had broken the trust and whether I like it or not...I get to live with the consequences of those decisions. And one of the consequences of that night is that he has backed off considerably from talking to me. He rarely texts unless I initiate the conversation, we've barely hung out, things have been incredibly awkward, he's been distancing himself from me and growing closer to her spending more time with her and bringing her around his family and when they asked where I was he just said "I don't know". He had me working her shifts my last weeks at the store and spent his days off with her playing video games telling me they were "gaming it up" but when I asked where they were so I could come join them he just wouldn't respond at all. Weeks went by and now it's been almost a month since the night of my blow up, and each day-each week-I felt him slipping away from me more and more each day, and I knew he was getting closer to her and that killed me. Knowing that he was spending all his free time with her and not even acknowledging my existence just slaughtered me and made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I felt so left out, and I know he probably didn't invite me because he knows I don't play video games so he didn't want me to bored or have to sit in the corner with nothing to do but for me, I would've played. I just wanted to feel included. I just wanted to feel like he actually wanted me around. I will sit there spinning around in circles shooting at air yelling "idk what I'm doing!!" and make a complete ass out of myself. I just want to feel wanted. I want to feel like he wanted me to be there, even if she was there I didn't care. But don't just cut me out of your life and act like I don't exist. That makes me feel like a giant bag of crap in the corner that he couldn't care less about or even worse like I'm a pebble in his shoe. A hindrance, an annoyance that he just didn't wanna deal with. A couple Thursday's ago, I texted him asking how he was and asking if we could go out for ice cream when I got out of work and he just never responded and he didn't answer my phone call so I made another stupid decision and went to talk to his best friend to see what he thought of everything. His best friend was the one that hooked us up initially. They've known each other for twelve years. At this point I had tried reaching out to my boyfriend and he had said he wanted to work things out but his actions as of late indicated otherwise so I figure ask the only other man that knows him almost as well as he knows himself what he thought I should do. His best friend told me that it seemed to him like my boyfriend wasn't happy anymore for whatever reason and he just didn't want me anymore so he suggested I drive to his house and break up with him right then and there. I've already been an emotional wreck all month due to the uncertainty of not knowing where we stood since he would say apple but do orange. He claimed he wanted to work things out but he then he started blatantly ignoring me and he refused to spend anytime with me or talk to me or even acknowledge my presence at all, so that to me indicated he had no interest in trying to be with me anymore. So after talking to his best friend, I was obviously heartbroken. This was the man I planned to spend the rest of my life with. The man I wanted to be the father of my children. The man I wanted to marry. This was the man I loved. I didn't wanna just walk away from all that. I didn't want to break up with him. So I had a complete and total breakdown and collapsed, sobbing relentlessly, crying so hard I nearly threw up. His best friend pulled me into his arms and just held me while I cried for about an hour straight. I cried so much that he even started crying with me like actual tears. I certainly never expected to see him cry over my relationship but he was blubbering like a baby just going on and on and saying "I'm sorry I'm so sorry" over and over again. I think he felt responsible for my pain since he's the one that set us up initially, but he wasn't having any of it. He told me not to wait for my boyfriend to reach out to me; he told me to go over to his place then and there and break up with him first. He texted him for me since we knew he wouldn't respond to my messages and told him I was coming over to talk. I arrived at his place and waited for him to get back. I don't know where he was but at this point it wasn't my place to ask where he was. Not after what I had put him through, so I let him keep some things to himself. At this point it was irrelevant though since I was planning to end things anyway. So he shows up all huffy and puffy since his best friend told him I was coming there and it started to rain so he told me to go talk in the garage since everyone was sleeping in the house. We sat down in the garage and I asked him straight up what he wanted from me and how he had been avoiding me and that indicated he didn't want to be with me anymore. He agreed that he was still dealing with a lot of pressure and aftermath from what I had done in revealing our relationship at work. I think he is still living stressed out and terrified that he's gonna get fired and lose his job-his career, his livelihood-if the superiors get wind of our relationship...all because of me and my big fat mouth that runs off uncontrollably when I get upset. Granted though I have been better about not going to others and going straight to him when I get upset with him. But I think now that I'm being honest about the things that's bothering me, he thinks I'm just being a nag. But regardless I told him whether he likes it or not if this is ever going to work between us we have got to be up front and honest and go to each other with our problems. We cannot go running to others; somewhere along the way we lost the ability to speak to each other coz we spent all our time relying on other people to solve our problems and that kind of thing is poison to any relationship. He even acknowledged and apologized for not being better at communicating. He said he knows he's piss poor at communicating and he knows he needs to get better. He said he felt bad for bringing the 17 year old girl around because he said she was now hanging around with his best friend and his best friend's fianc and he said all these ties and connections were being made and he didn't wanna have to sever any ties. So I straight up asked him what he wanted, if he wanted to break up and he said he wanted to "take things down a notch and take a step back" but he didn't wanna close the book and sever any ties between us either. He said he needed time and space to figure things out and deal with everything, which I willingly granted him. He did say that he had been biting his tongue lately because he didn't want me to blow up and blow things out of proportion but I told him I need to know the blunt truth. The ugliest of truths is better than the most beautiful of lies, I said, and things will never work between him and me ever if we cannot communicate with each other. We have to go to one another with our problems and he might be upset with me for venting to others on multiple occasions about him, primarily his best friend and his fianc, but he has complained to them about me more than once too. They've both told me stuff that he has complained about me, stuff that he never came to me with he expected me to just know. So yes we've both made our fair share of mistakes and I was trying to make things better and giving it my all, my 150% to try to mend fences and meanwhile he refuses to talk to me unless I corner him and don't give him an out. I'm killing myself trying to make things better, trying to mend fences and make things ok again, and he's nowhere to be found. He's with her. Not with me. But he swears up and down that he doesn't wanna end things with me. He said that wouldn't be fair to be like "F you" and be done with me over something like that. He said he needs time and space to do his guy thing and figure out what he needs to but that he didn't wanna close any doors or just give up on us. He said he doesn't know what's gonna happen or what the future holds but he believes everything happen for a reason-even this-and he said all we can do is take it one day at a time. He didn't share much of what he was feeling but he was staring off into space looking devastated, heartbroken, at the thought of breaking up. Whether that's coz he desperately doesn't wanna give up or coz he realized he has to break up with me, I can't say for sure. But I do think a huge part of his stress is stemming from the problems going on with us and not knowing what's going to happen. I truly don't think he wants to break up but I do think he's struggling to rebuild the trust between us and know that I won't betray him again or throw him under the bus to others. Which does not help because he has people whispering in his ear claiming that I'm complaining about him when they see me sitting there on my phone scrolling through my Facebook out of boredom. They automatically assume because I'm on my phone that I'm complaining about my boyfriend to somebody out there. One night he told me he was gonna do a gaming tournament with the 17 year old and two guys from work I asked out of curiosity just how long it was gonna be just to see if it would be worth it to go over to his house coz I had to be up for my second job at 6 am and if they were gonna be gaming til 5 am I figd no point going over to stay at his place to sleep for only an hour when I had to wake up early. But they exaggerated it and told my boyfriend that I snapped about it and was all snippy about "how long is it gonna take???" Another guy we work with approached me saying that he thought they made a better match than he and I did, asking if we even have anything in common and what do we even talk about, and then he texted me saying "heard y'all broke up". I didn't even grace that with a response. It's none of his business so I'm keeping all outside parties out of it. His best friends are complaining to him about me venting and how I haven't been eating lately coz I can't eat when I'm stressed and how they're fed up with me venting to them when I haven't discussed our relationship with them since the night his best friend told me to go break up with him. So people are trash talking me, feeding on his distrust and making it worse and trying to destroy my relationship with the only man I've ever really loved. So I understand his reluctance to trust me again since I've messed up in the past but I didn't do anything that he hasn't already done. Sure I might've gone into more detail and done it more frequently than he did but it's not like I cheated on him. It's not like I murdered his puppy. I turned to people who I thought were my friends for advice and they turned around and stabbed me in the back and vilified me, condemning me and lauding him. It's not fair that I'm taking the fall for all of this. He's willing to take responsibility for his part but everyone else is playing devils advocate in trying to get him to end things with me, even his best friends when they're the ones that pushed so hard to get us together in the first place. What for?? Why bother FB stalking me and messaging me in the first place trying to hook us up for it to end this way? For them to try to urge him to leave me by feeding him all this crap about stuff I never even said? I don't get it. I don't understand. And when my boyfriend and I talked that Thursday he told me to leave my stuff there and he left my pictures that I had given him up so I took that as a good sign. I thought that meant that I just give him his space, let him do what he's gotta do, and he would come to me when he was ready. But of course things would unravel further. The following week I had planned to take him out to eat to an expensive restaurant just to give him a good night and get him away from all the stress going on. I felt responsible for a lot of what he was going through and before we started having problems I had been planning with his mother to take him out to Tower of the Americas, a really expensive restaurant and to take pictures together for my family reunion in July which he had agreed to go to. So I texted him on Tuesday to ask if we were still good to go out on Thursday and he said he wasn't sure yet about the pictures but that he would figure something out so we could still go out to eat. He didn't know where we were going, I wanted to surprise him so come Thursday I text and ask if we're still on and he asks if what time it would be coz he wasn't feeling well and his stomach really hurt from the previous night apparently and then he came down on me for not eating coz his best friend's fianc told him I wasn't eating, and he was upset with me saying he didn't get the actions I take and how darkness begets darkness but again last year when I was helping through his breakup he lost about twenty pounds coz he doesn't eat when he's stressed either and I told him I had been going through a lot of stress with everything it wasn't intentional but if I did eat I would run to the bathroom to throw up so nothing to be done for my body's natural reaction to stress. I can't help that. I've been eating more now and trying to get better but I'm not gonna force feed myself just so I can hover over porcelain city all day. It's not gonna happen. And then he said something about how he had made decisions that I wouldn't approve of but friends is still as it stands-whatever that means. He did make a post on FB at 10:30 a couple days before saying "aiiiii" and that he was feeling blissful, but he didn't elaborate on what that was about. So based on what he told me I'm thinking either he and the 17 year old kissed or something went down between them but I don't think he would broadcast that on FB where I could see it, or that he was smoking weed again to deal with his stress coz he knows I'm not a fan of smoking weed. But at the end of the day he's a big boy and he does what he wants. I'm not his mother he doesn't need me to sign him a permission slip. He's free to make his own choices and I have told him that from the very beginning. Again this is all guessing coz he didn't actually tell me what those "choices I would disapprove of" are but that to me came off as a passive aggressive attempt to get rid of me and break things off. So I went out with some friends even though he had said we could go out to eat later on that night coz I anticipated he would blow me off, just to distract myself and take my mind off of him. Pics were posted up on FB of me with these friends and before I went to bed at around midnight I looked and our relationship status remained intact on FB. He hadn't touched it. Yes I had been keeping an eye on it in case he decided to end things passive aggressively without telling me up front so I fig that was only window into his head to fig out what he wanted or what he sees me as. So the next morning I wake up and the relationship status on his page had disappeared. He claimed that I somehow got popped into the wrong list that filtered me from seeing the status but that it was still there and he said I was jumping to conclusions and making it the end of the world and he didn't get the "F you" mentality I was portraying him as. Before I heard from him though I construed the disappearance of the status as him breaking up with me so I messaged his sister to ask if I could go pick up my stuff. I figured he wouldn't wanna see me so I waited for him to go to work then I went to go pick up my stuff. I get there and he had taken my pictures down and I wanted to take them back coz I figd "ok assuming we're broken up he won't want those anymore. I don't want him just throwing those away so I'll take them home" but I couldn't find them anywhere so his sister called him to ask where the album was and he immediately said "I'm keeping those".....why on earth would he want to keep my photo album if he didn't want to be with me anymore?? He did text me after I messaged his sister saying she called him about me going over and he said he hadn't had time to check on anything and I said that was fine, that I figd he wouldn't wanna see me so I would just go get my stuff so he wouldn't have to deal w/ me and he goes "well I wouldn't say that". He has recently been relocated to a different store, not because of us but just coz they wanna test him out in different waters and see what he's made of, so he said since taking over that store he hasn't slept well and he's been really busy keeping up w/ the workload and everything. I didn't see it at the time coz my mind was so fixated on "he doesn't want me anymore" but he did reach out and say "I wouldn't say that" so part of me wonders if he didn't want me to pick up my stuff. He didn't wanna tell me not to do it though since he's still struggling with his decision but he still cares. Somewhere deep down inside I think he still cares. I think that's why he got so upset about me not eating coz he wants me to be okay and he doesn't want me harming myself, which was never my intent but I don't think he saw that. And after I got my stuff I sent him my long novel texts saying it seemed like he didn't wanna be with me anymore and that I wished he would just talk to me and tell me what was going on and why he didn't want me anymore and he messaged through FB saying that he never said he wanted to break up and he had told me he didn't wanna close the book on us he still doesn't wanna end things btwn us but he laid it all out on the table saying that he was still dealing with my blowup at work and worried he would lose his job, he said that my blowups and venting to other people about our relationship he was still struggling to come to terms with and he said that his best friends still complained to him a lot about me blowing up at them and how much it frustrated them and my boyfriend said it seemed like we were in a 3 way relationship w/ his best friend's fianc coz she's the one I would vent to the most when she's the one that would tell me "hey come to me don't vent to anyone else. It doesn't bother me I can take it" I made the mistake of telling her I could barely eat anything and she hardly ever eats anything normally but she rats me out to my boyfriend and blows the whole thing out of proportion so he was upset about that. And he said that apparently the awkwardness between us stretched back before he started bringing the 17 year old around, claiming that when he and I went out even to eat and stuff that the language in my eyes indicated an awkwardness that didn't taper down so that made him follow suit. Again I heard that first from his best friend coz he refused to talk to me, about how apparently I would look down or look away when he would try to talk to me. I didn't realize I was doing that and instead of coming to me and saying "hey eyes up top" or something he goes to his best friend behind my back then gets mad at me for doing the and thing. Honestly I don't recall ever doing that but I do sometimes habitually look down and shy away from others simply coz I'm incredibly self-conscious and I don't think I'm clever or witty and can't think of anything to say so I glance away out of embarrassment scrambling for the right words or whatnot and honestly I've seen a lot of pain and heartache in my life. I helped my sister through a terrible divorce and I don't want to get hurt which is why I've avoided relationships for the past 23 years even though I want nothing more than to live out happily ever after with my knight in shining armor simply coz I know what vulnerability can do to a person. I've seen it. So I put up all these guards and walls to protect myself from getting hurt. I thought they were all long gone but apparently I was wrong. Apparently there's still some deep dark part inside of me that's still holding up the impenetrable Great Wall of China around my heart to protect myself from getting hurt and I just never realized it. As exhilarating and invigorating as falling in love is, it can also be terrifying. There's a reason it's called falling in love. Because you are literally falling, when you look that person into their eyes so deeply that your soul is bared to them that makes you vulnerable. You are very literally falling and trusting that person to catch you and not let you get hurt. That's a lot-as amazing as the good is the bad can be that much worse and yes I trust him and I know he would never deliberately or maliciously hurt me but that chance is always there. Deep down I've always feared that I'm not good enough for him, like he deserves so much better and I'm nowhere near worthy to be playing the game in his leagues. So yeah I'm self conscious. I'm constantly racking my brain praying the next thing that comes out of my mouth won't be the thing that makes him realize that I'm nothing special and there's 3 billion other women out there just like me who could offer him so much more than I ever could. I have never felt witty or clever or like anyone worth holding onto. I've always wanted to be a Lois Lane but truthfully I'm nothing like her. I'm not strong or capable or independent or anything special. I'm just me. And that kills me to think that I might lose the man I love to video games.....I've always felt like as a manager she could relate to him more than I could. They're both so invested in the business and making sure it succeeds and yes while u worked there I was too but not like her. I'm a psych major. Psychology is my passion, my life. I wanna help people and make a difference in the world. I wanna ease their suffering and against all odds just give them one good day. I have a great work ethic and I love my boyfriend more than anything so I invested more in that store than I'm sure even the CEO would have but it was worth it coz I did it all for him and I would do it all again in a heartbeat just to help him out and bring a smile to his face. Just so he won't have to do it alone. Just so he can have a partner in crime, another half to make him whole but lately I worried that she would be a better match for him. They're both managers, I was just a lowly, expendable CSR. He didn't need me. He needed her. She loves video games and sports and he is the biggest gaming and sports fanatic I've ever met and yeah I tried getting into it for him when we first started talking and dating. I made a complete fool out of myself playing Halo spinning around in circles shooting randomly at the wall or ceiling or floor or sky while he would sneak up behind me and kill me but I didn't care that I lost. I never did. Because in my book it was never about winning, it was about making him happy and spending quality time together. I went to basketball games with him and watched football with him. I didn't understand a single syllable of it but there was nowhere else in the world I would've rather been because I had him by my side and it was all worth it just to see him so happy and getting so worked up over the calls he didn't agree with and getting so excited when his team scored. It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life, literally. It was like the sun had just fallen from the sky and onto his face with how brightly he shone. But even so as hard as I tried to be the perfect woman for him it just felt like this 17 year old girl would always be 10 steps ahead of me and I'd always be sprinting to the end to barely keep up. As far as his perfect woman is concerned, she shone ten times brighter than I did. She was his perfect woman made into flesh. How the hell do you compete with that? Yeah she was only 17 but since we started talking due to his heartbreak over a 17 year old I think my insecurity wasn't entirely unjustified. Not trying to hold the past against him or anything. I know the past is the past and this is the present. And it's the future he's looking towards more than anything else. He even messaged and admitted that he knew he was wrong incorporating her and bringing her around so I don't know. Idk what he wants or what he's thinking now. Like I said though I'm just really confused with the apple/orange mixed signals of constant avoidance til I call him on it and then he's adamant he doesn't wanna break up. I just don't know what it is he wants from me and I wish more than anything I did. I just wanna make things right. I don't want to just walk away. Maybe we need time and space away from each other right now just to work on us and I'm ok with that. But I don't wanna sit around on the sidelines waiting and praying for some miracle just to have my heart ripped out and smeared across my life tomorrow or next week or six months or five years from now. It's not so simple as just walking away though. Like I said this is the man I planned on spending the rest of my life with. This is the man I want to be my husband, the father of my children. My partner in crime. My other half. My soulmate. I just....I love him. I love him so so much, and it absolutely kills me to think for one second that this might not work. I refuse to be the one to walk away though. If we talk and mutually decide to break up or if he wields the axe then that'll be that. And I'll learn to move on and be ok again one day. I pray to God it doesn't come to that but I do refuse to be the one that ends things because I would always wonder and be tormented and plagued by thoughts of "what would've happened if I had given him just one more day or one more month to sort through what he needed to? What if he had decided to give things another chance, but I walked away and killed any chance of that?? I'm not ok with that. That is a chance I will not take. I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know where to go from here or what to do....I know he needs to time and space and I'm willing to grant it to him and let him figure out what he needs to. But I just wish I knew what he was thinking or feeling right now. I wish he would just talk to me, like actually talk to me and not avoid me just coz he thinks I can't handle what he has to say. I might not like what he has to say, I might be upset, it might hurt and yeah I might even cry. I cried just coz I saw a guy wearing the shorts he wears to work the other day so yeah chances are if we break up I'm gonna bawl my eyes out. But I'll be ok eventually. Do I want to lose him, no. I'd rather die and let him collect the $300k insurance policy I have through work that I named him the beneficiary for. Maybe that would make me feel better idk. Maybe that would make up for all the problems I've caused for him. It would certainly be easier....but I don't want easier. I don't want perfect. I wanna go through life with him by my side and I wanna mess up and make mistakes but help each other up along the way and fix our problems together, hand in hand. I wanna go on and have our own kids and mess them up in our own way, but raise them ultimately to be happy, productive, successful, and loved. And God, would they be loved. We would love those children so much and he would be such a great father. I think he's scared to be a father coz he worries that he won't be a good dad or that he won't be able to provide as much as he wants to but honestly? He is the best man I have ever known. I imagine he will make a great husband and an amazing father to any children that we may have. He would love those children so much. He would laugh and joke with them. He would give them the kind of life I could only dream of. He would hold those children in his arms.....and just like that all our dreams would come true. We wouldn't just be boyfriend/girlfriend. We would be a family-our own family and those children would be so beautiful and give us so much joy. I just want so badly to find our happily ever after. I want a life and family together so badly. His biggest fear is being thrown under the bus, well my biggest fear is losing him and any chance of having those beautiful children and holding them in my arms. That's gonna be the best feeling in the world, and I can't wait to experience it all firsthand. To look down at the small form with its perfect features cradled in my arms and know that we made that, that it came and it exists because of us and our love. That's a powerful feeling....and I want so badly to feel it for myself. To feel his arms around me again, to feel his hand in mine, to feel his lips on my skin as he guides me through the process and encourages me telling me how strong I am and how well I'm doing and how much he loves me. God, I really don't wanna lose that. I don't wanna miss out on seeing what that baby would like, what the baby would sound like when he cooed or the faces she makes when she cries. I don't want to lose my boyfriend. I want to fix things between us so we can have a future together-so we can have this future together. But I can't create it alone. I need his hand to find mine in the dark and lead me through to a brighter tomorrow. I want to fight our demons together. I want it to be me and him against the world. When we first started dating he told me, "I know things won't always be perfect but it'll be worth it so long as we're together". Shortly after we started dating one night we were laying together and he was holding my hand and he commented on how small my hands were and how it seemed like his hands were made so big to protect mine. He promised that I would be safe with him and that he could give me so much than a 19 year old could. He was worried that I might've been pregnant from our first night together but he said in a way he was scared but in a way he wasn't coz he knew that I was gonna be a great mom. I wanna live up to that title. I don't want to be denied that opportunity. I wanna be his perfect woman, his ideal wife. No one can be perfect I realize that. As much as we try we're human we're gonna fall down and make mistakes. It's how we come back from these mistakes that determine the person we're gonna be and the life we're gonna have and right now? I'm determined to leave behind my mistakes of yesterday and create a better tomorrow with him by my side. It kills me that I don't know what he wants but I've always know exactly what I want....I want him as my boyfriend, my love, my soulmate. I want a second chance to build a future and life together with him. I want his ring on my finger and his baby growing inside my belly. I want a house together. I want the picket fence, the 2.4 kids, maybe a dog or even a cat. I want the normal apple pie life. I want to go on to be a therapist and make a difference in the world and change someone's life for the better. I want to make an impact on the psychology world and make my mark in the field. But none of that will mean anything to me without him there by my side to see it through with me. To help me through the thick and thin of it. Shoulder to shoulder I want to face my life and all its challenges with him. I want him to know that I love him and I will always love him no matter what he decides to do. He will never leave my heart, and I don't ever want him to.

So knowing all of that,what do you think I should do?What would your advice be?