Is it really me? Is there something I dont see?
I've been in a 3 yr relationship and it has always been rocky, but im always led told that I'm the problem. Sorry for the length there is just so much. She at time stays for weeks almost moving in me. I was getting ready to cook dinner for me, her and 2 of her daughters the other night and asked for help with some dishes. She complained that she shouldn't have to do them and I pointed out that they use much more dishes than I do and I was cooking. She was immediately upset and left and went home. After she leaves, we have to go through this routine of how she doesn't feel loved, or that I'm an ass or she feel ignored. She acts as if I'm expected to hang all over her 24/7. I think it's completely OK to do separate things for parts of the day as long as we make some time for each other. I'm told I'm wrong for thinking that. Not to mention she does the most devastating things during fights. She has told me she don't love me, that she hates me, that she deserves better, her kids deserve better. She even gets her friends on her side with her one sided stories of how I'm such a bad person. Even tonight. I went to her house, she was brushing her teeth after her shower. I sat in the living room for an hour alone before I went into her room and seen her on her phone. So I told her I was just going home. She then chewed me out ovet text for telling her I just wanted to spend time with her because i haven't seen her all day. She blamed me for sitting in the living room because she hangs out in her bedroom and she didn't know how to approach me like that. I was simply waiting. Then the next sentence she brings up the dishes thing again. She then brought up how shitty I was for calling her selfish because she complained that my girls came over on a Saturday that I wasn't suppose to have them. It was our weekend according to her even though we still had her kids there. I get mine every other week, but will not tell them no if they want to come over and I do feel like it was selfish for her to say that. She is always bring up past stuff during arguments, but im not allowed to do the same. That was the last thing she responded to tonight and went silent.
On multiple occasions she has deleted and blocked me on social media. Even still after I said I didn't like that she does that. She never apologizes for any of her wrong doings and she has the doozies. She tells her friends she is single and one sided stories without saying her faults in it, that we broke up, while continuing to text me and work through our issues and has used it to cheat in the past. Using the excuse we was broken up for the 2 days. She hates it when I say it was cheating because it was set up prior to us breaking up for 2 days. She lied about that for months until I showed her proof. My 1st suspicion was she accused me of cheating one morning when she woke me up because she couldn't crack the code on my phone. I've never cheated though. She also has a male best friend but there is no way I could have a female friend. Not concerned with him, he is not her type at all. She gets jealous if I find an actress in a movie attractive or even look at another women and it's not like I'm announcing it to her. Like crazy jealous! I should mention I live on a farm and there is chores and maintenance that needs done, but I cant be doing any of that if she is around because I'm then ignoring her. The alternative is the task keep piling up. I try to get her to tag along because I'm not a huge fan of just sitting around doing nothing with her. I cant be on my phone around her, she still is on hers l the time. This women has made me feel worse than I ever have in my Iife. She makes me feel like everything I do is wrong. I just dont know how to make her happy or if it's even possible. When it's good. It's really good and that seems to be what traps me everytime. To me, I feel she is immature and manipulative, possibly toxic. I'm not perfect and I screw up plenty, but I always apologize and try to change. I always admit my faults. She rarely does. She doesn't even tolerate my trust issues but has done little to rebuild it. Im called the narcissist and that I need counciling. The counciling part may be true but im pretty laid back except when it comes to not respecting me,my house or setting boundries for her kids while there. Is it really all me? Am I the only one that thinks this is crazy?
Sounds like she's borderline personality or just a bìtch.
Good lucky
@Cowscott From what you described, it seems like you really try your best to please her and make her happy but she gets frustrated when things aren't going exactly her way and lashes out when she feels like she doesn't have enough control over the situation. When you ask if you're the only one that thinks her behavior is crazy it makes me think about how sometimes a hurtful person can push you into a corner so much and force their narrative that you question if yours even holds any validity.
I can see even if your actions didn't go over well with making her dinner and asking her reasonably to do the dishes, your intentions were good and your expectations were realistic. Your perspective that a couple should also get to spend some time alone, to do chores, or catch up with work or whatever is completely reasonable. It seems like she feels deeply insecure because she has inner wounds about wanting to be loved "enough" and wants to reject you/hurt you before you can hurt her as a defense mechanism. Her name-calling and labeling have been a sign of projection before with the cheating situation where she accused you of doing what she was doing so I think it'd be fair to comment that maybe she's doing these things to you because she's so afraid you'll do them to her. She seems to be self-sabotaging any love she could get from you by getting so aggressive and jumping into fight or flight mode.
I definitely suggest looking into borderline personality disorder resources because she sounds like she might have an untreated case of it to me as well but no one except a qualified psychologist can diagnose anything for sure. Here's a Reddit thread that'd be a good place to start: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/lae87h/free_bpd_books_and_resources/
It seems like she's been very inconsistent with her chaotic behavior throughout your relationship, going from blaming you for everything and chastise you to her friends but act like she wants to work things out at the same time. Her severe jealousy seems like a desire to control you and your descriptions of her as immature and manipulative sound accurate from everything you detailed. It seems like trying to make her happy feels addicting because its a challenge to you and brings some sense of accomplishment when there's a sparkle of hope but i believe its valuable to remember that if a person doesn't make serious consistent efforts to improve themselves, you cannot fight that battle for them.
I don't think you come off as a narcissist based on the little i know about you but i think a notable factor that keeps coming up is how she continues trying to attack your self esteem repeatedly. When a healthy couple has an argument, it's expected to voice disagreements but not to go overboard with how much you can possibly hurt a person. It shouldn't feel like someone you're expecting to love is an enemy or wild animal youre trying to calm down, it should feel like its you and another mature adult against the problem.
You seem like youre trying your best to be a healing presence in her life but its coming at your own expense and mental health. You deserve to take care of yourself and do what you can to regain some peace even though I imagine it'd probably be hard to let go of the relationship due to attachment. It'd probably be useful to ask yourself some relevant questions like... Why do you stay? Could you tolerate things staying this chaotic forever? Do you think anything in your own past makes you crave the drama she thinks? What could you do that'd be best for YOUR mental health and your children's wellbeing?
I'll end my rambling here but i hope reading all that can be of some help and wish you healing.
@PoisonCupcakes,
that is a useful, warm and thoughtful reply.
Thank you!
@Cowscott,
sounds like she has way too many issues to be in a relationship.
What you do or don't won't make a difference.
So, sit down with your true self, ask yourself what to do, and listen to what your heart tells you. Your heart, not your thoughts.
You already know what is best for you to do, you deserve much better then being used as a punch ball.
