Is it worth trying to arrange things after multiples break-up?
My boyfriend and I broke up many times... At least 7 times now. We both have different problems because of our family and we are easily stressed or anxious. He is the one leaving every time, coming back saying it's stupid, because he loved me and bad moments happen, we just have to work to make things better and move on together, "you make me so happy when things are okay, why leave for a sad moment?". But he would return on his words a day or even an hour after, saying he doesn't love me and that he's just staying to not make me sad. It happened again 2 days ago, he left, then came back 2 days after saying he just wants to enjoy those holidays we've been waiting for for so long (we had 2 weeks of tests non-stop). Then he left again at the end of the day. We were resting on his bed (we spent the day out buying stuff to prepare the holidays and we both cried a lot because when we got back together earlier we both told a lot to each other, but at the end of the conversation it was just relief and joy for both of us), and I noticed he had removed all the things I bought him from his room. I asked him where he put it and if he wanted to put them back with me one day (a stupid sentence I realize now). His mood changed completely. He was all tender and happy before and now he had dead eyes and a cold voice. He said "I don't love you anymore, that's why I removed everything, now leave". It was as if he was someone else and it's not the first time it happens but it stills got me :c. I asked him if he had lied all day, he replied yes. Then he gave me my stuff without a glance. I was so shocked and angry I asked to see where the stuff I gave him were. I tore a paper fox into pieces out of anger (another bad decision...) (he said "don't do this in front of me or in my house"...), then we proceeded to choose which one to keep and which to trash. He kept the photos, the plushes, flower with my perfume and a matching bracelet. Then he told threw me out of the house.
The day after he sent a text asking if he could pass by to get back one of his plush (a childhood one). So he came. He didn't even look a me and left as if I wasn't there.
Now I'm confused on what he trully thinks. When we came back together and during our little shopping to buy holidays stuff, I could see he was genuinely happy... This is the only thing I'm sure of... He was a bit anxious, but still happy and enthusiastic for the days to come, like me. But only one wrong sentence made him change completely. Does he really hated me all along? Should I try to contact him later, after we are both calmer...? He always change his mind in a matter of second, I don't know what to think every time it happens... He shows so much different emotions in one day, when he break-ups at the end of the day it always disconcerts me... A friend dating someone with bipolar disorder told me he may have it too, and so did my grand-mother. It's just a wild guess from them but it gave me food for thoughts :(.
Now I am conscious I wasn't carefull enough, and said/did bad things that I realize have hurt him... But is there a chance for us?
This is the first time I feel like he won't come back... We were both planning a lot of stuff for the 2 weeks of holidays and I can't believe he gave up just now, after all the efforts we both made and knowing we had a rough month before...
Hello, Berrylion!
I hope you are doing well. Your relationship situation seems tricky, and I think there are a few things you should ask yourself.
In the past few months, have you been happy with him?
How much effort does he put into the relationship?
Do you want stability?
Does he treat you as well as you treat him?
Truthfully, the relationship sounds kind of unhealthy, and the fact that there were multiple break ups initiated by him puts up a few red flags.
I want to explain something. I have major depression and small anxiety and I'm prone to panic attacks and things like that. Mental disorders in romantic relationships can be tricky. While it is important to work with your partner on some things, it's also important to set boundaries and make sure you're getting something out of the relationship, and the good far outweighs the bad.
It seems like you're in a confusing and upsetting situation, and if you want to talk to someone message me <3
@Robin13
hi and thanks for replying :'c
1. In the past few months, have you been happy with him?
I mostly was. The only thing that bothered me was that i felt we didnt do much things, which i told him. He got a upset because we had a busy month with a lot of tests and he works as a freelancer during his free time, so going out was really hard. So... the most unhappy one was him because i asked too much time from him when he was already busy with work...
2. How much effort does he put into the relationship?
From my point of you, a lot. He would always try to please me, even though sometimes he couldnt trully but tried anyway (ex: too much work and me asking to go out). I feel like I'm the one who didn't put enough, and he told me this a lot ; that i didn't listen to him when he told me to stop doing something that made him angry. I tried but it wasn't enough...
Do you want stability?
I do, and so did he. Things were tense those last months and it felt like I was pushed every way : school, boyfriend, family... The few calm moments I had was taking naps with twice a week...
Does he treat you as well as you treat him?
For me, he did treat me well.. He was always there and whenever I felt sad/sick/angry he would try to comfort me... From what he told me before leaving and before, he treat me much more better than I treat him. He said he would always try to be nice even though he was upset for something and that I would always speak up instead of being nice like he does. But he would try to change anyway. For example, when he left on sunday and came back tuesday, he came back with a new haircut (he really needed one and i told him the weel before) and a new sweatshirt bought (from the store I recommended to him). When we went out he would always ask me what I though of it, if it was nice, what I wanted to do this week, what restaurants I would prefer, etc. He was the one silenced, but when I asked him what HE wanted he would say "whatever you want".
He's deleting me from every platforms where he can see something that reminds him of me... during our previous break-ups he never did that... He also deleted my number, I don't know if he has blocked me though
I realize i shoulve been more patient and soft. On friday, he said "i dont feel comfortable with you" and i snapped "maybe im not right for you and you shouldnt stay after all..." :(
He wanted someone to listen to him but because i was so self-conscious and anxious i told him it was better if he left! when all he need was me to be there and help him...
How can i reach him gently to say im sorry and I understand why he give up :,(
@Berryllion
Sorry, my cell didn't let me see all until now.
Have you talked to him? Or someone close to him?
How have you been feeling?
It you want to you can text me anytime you want :)
@GreenGrape No... since he has me blocked almost everywhere im scared of reaching out to him. im gonna call his mum tomorrow or on Wednesday to talk about work and I'll try to ask how he's is doing... I might see him on Friday we have a programming class to attend to and we had chosen the same day before this whole ordeal...
i called his mum, asked about work and then asked how he was... she said he was okay and i told her i though abt going to see him to apologize for what happened when we broke up. she asked me what happened and i told her the story, she then said "leave him for the holidays, then we will see how it works out. you two spent to much time together, you need to both do your stuff on your own because it might have bored the two of you. he's doing programming so he's busy and it makes him happy, you should go out with friends and relax. i don't think he's upset for what happened. you two shouldnt get angry at each other for dumb things like that since this was a difficult month because of school. just concentrate on school to graduate next week. its just a rough time." :(
@Berryllion
Maybe his mom is right, giving time and space could help to clear things and realizing what you really feel, being in a dependent relationship is not good :/
Try to spoil you and doing things different! :D
@GreenGrape yeah im gonna do that :c i called my therapist (i havent seen her in months) and im seeing her tomorrow
a friend and me called him yesterday for help on a programming project (he is the best in this subject). we woke him up (it was 11:30 usually hes already awake...) . at first i didnt talk. but we called him later for another question and he sounded so tired :c when i talked to explain the programming problem he took a long time to respond but he explained what we should do. i said thanks a lot and goodbye and he waited for me to hang up. i might see him tomorrow for a programming class im kinda scared. 
i also saw my therapist and for her there is no doubt he will be back, and that the real question is will i let him... she said he could be "re-acting" what happened with his father (his dad left without a word when he was young and would never listen to my ex before that. last time we saw him my ex yelled at him and told him all he felt since he was a kid and then cut off contact with him once and for all...), and that i couldnt "heal" him. :c
alright i tried to talk to him today and things went south. he didnt want to talk and was really annoyed but i pushed a bit i wanted to understand why... he said "youve been a pain for 5 months you never listened now im done. live your life i will live mine"... i apologized he said he didnt care. i said i would come by to give a gift to her mum to say thank her for the work she found me n he yelled "dont talk to her" and i said "it has nothing to do with you gimme a break. its my professonial life sorry it involves your mum." he kept saying "leave her alone", i kept responding "it has nothing with you" and i pushed him :'(. then he said "i dont care about my dad why would i care abt my mum" and i was like wtf... "why are you telling me you dont want me to see her then?". he said "i dont want you to contact her" again and i got really angry and hold him by the collar and told him "dont interfere in my work. you arent the center of the world" and he responded "you arent scaring me" i said "its not my intention. i just want you to let me talk to your mum abt work only". then i pulled back. he said "if i wanted to talk to you i have your number that i blocked so i wont find it"i said "i wanted to talk because i cared about you" and he responded "i dont care about you. fucking leave." i walked away but turned back and said "dont give me order im not your dog" and left saying he was a prick... i wanted to cry during the whole thing.
i lost my temper real bad it hurt so much to see how little i mattered to him now... i wanted to see if he really didnt love me and yes, he doesnt anymore... im so stupid i shouldve just let him go when he said he didnt want to talk. i was egoist and only wanted to talk for me to feel better and when it didnt work i got upset...
no wonder he got tired of me...
i regret stopping going to the therapist a little while after dating him... if had changed we wouldnt be here today
every time he left i would just say "im sorry thanks for everything, goodbye i love you" even though he would tell me awful things out of anger but this time i didnt to let him just talk shit to me :'( even though i shouldnt have tried to talk to him because it was too soon for the both of us and we are still hurt
since he was the one coming back and apologizing everytime i wanted to prove him that this time i would be the one trying to tie the loose ends instead of waiting for him crawling back and crying for me to forgive him. everytime he left i would never contact him after, just the "im sorry thanks etc" message just after he leaves to show him im not angry...
i shouldnt have tried to contact him for this time it was stupid im need to control myself and stop being so emotional
