It gets harder everyday
Me and my ex were together two years ago, but split, and about 6 or 7 months ago, we started to become close again. I have had a really rough year, and in November, I was put under suicide watch and had to be put into a psychiatric hospital. My ex boyfriend was very kind and supportive, and would write me letters, call my mother everyday to ask how I was, and even came with her the day I was discharged. We started dating shortly after I had gotten out of the hospital. Things had been going good, but we would argue a lot, from things that mainly stemmed from my lack of self worth, which definitely put a strain on our relationship. There were also times when I really scared him with my panic attacks, or sometimes he would be holding on to me, and I felt like dead weight. Eventually, my boyfriend had asked for a break, which really wasnt a break because we would still spend time together. On March 4th, he broke up with me, and has changed his words around many times. Hell say he doesnt want to be in a relationship, and I know he has his own major family issues going on right now, but he also doesnt handle his emotions very well, and has said some stuff since the breakup that has hurt me. Theres been drama about him saying he never cared about me and was cheating on me, to other girls texting me on his phone which ends up being a lie, and all this other bs that is not true at all. I miss him so much though, and though Im doing no contact, it hurts so much. I was just put back into the hospital on suicide watch, and was there for about two weeks. I realize he has his own demons hes fighting, as do I, and I need to truly work on myself, as does he. But I truly want nothing more than to be with him.
@ceceiliac I can't tell you how much of this resinates with me. Although I have never dealt with suicidal thoughts, I have dealt with the pain of losing someone I love and feeling guilty for the things I did to hurt him so badly. All I can say is that the loss of someone you love whether it be due to a death or a break up is very much like a death. You grieve the loss of that person and go thru all the same stages you go through in a death. It can be so overwhelming at times, but sometimes you have to look at it as getting through it day by day, and sometimes even hour by hour, minute by minute and second by second...just know that you always have this community here to listen and be there for you during the hardest times...so reach out as often as you need...hugs to you...
@brightAvocado3528 thank you so much for replying. I feel like I have nobody to talk to and it feels like Im just bothering my friends now. Ive gotten to the point where I dont cry anymore (except for when Im at therapy). But its still so hard to see him in school, because now we dont even talk. Ive come to realize that its not that I just miss being in a relationship, but I do truly miss him. I want to get him back, but I dont even know where to start.
@ceceiliac I know how you feel. I recently just broke up with a man that I truly loved with everything in me and because I lied and hurt him so badly I fear that he will never want to have anything to do with me again. I miss him so much, so I know what you're feeling. Its a physical pain...tangible. It's like our souls cry out for them again and there is nothing we can do to change their perspective of things. All we can do is try to be our best selves and work on loving ourselves again. That I think is the hardest part to handle, but here I have felt a huge support system and I hope you know we are all here for you as well.
