I think it's time. How do I do this?
We've been married for 2 years. I'm not happy. The reasons are numerous. My therapist says he's a narcissist. My Dr. says there is a codependency ( not sure if its mine or his). Yesterday I'm explaining to him what compassion is. Every time I express how his behavior makes me feel, he says I'm blaming. I think he's manipulating me, but I cant quite articulate how. Sometimes it seems like he knows exactly what he's doing and other times he plays dumb.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot for the last 8 months and if I even believe in soulmates, he wouldn't be mine. I believe i would be better off alone.
What do i do first? I don't have kids, but all the stuff in the house (and the dog) was mine before we got married, so moving out would be so difficult, plus, I love the house we rent. Do I wait to talk about things until I have the money saved up to leave, or say it now and live in the misery I cause for several months? Ask him to leave? He has nowhere to go.
@determinedCoconut5417 since i have a back ground in human services Narcassist's are pretty toxic people and can be very hard to have relationships with i hope your able to be free again soon
@kitkat34567
Thank you. Trying to maintain a sense of reality while being manipulated is really hard.
@determinedCoconut5417 There are a couple of issues to work out. If you're not happy, you're not happy.
It sounds like he's gaslighting you: by trying to both put the blame on you (refusal to take any responsibility or even hear you out) and then pretending he doesn't understand (if he does sometimes then it's difficult to see why can't make the connection of his behaviors at different points in time).
Just because he has no place to go is not a reason to continue to be miserable. But if your names are on the lease it could get complicated and that will vary on how you can proceed depending on where you are.
Good luck!!
@ReadBooksDrinkTea
Thanks. He is definitely gaslighting me. I will tell him about how his behavior impacts me and he rearranges my words into a worst case scenario and I spend more time saying , "That's not what I said" and trying to repeat myself than actually addressing the issues.
Last week I told him that I don't want to be married, if this is what our marriage is going to be like. It went over well. (NOT) So now we are "trying to make it work" until I can save up enough money to move out.
He says he is willing to do anything to keep us together, but his behavior says he only wants to do the things he wants to do. He doesn't seem interested in making changes, so that just makes my decisions easier.
Now I'm wondering if/when I need a lawyer.
@determinedCoconut5417
Hugs. I'm in a similar boat, although we've been married longer and he adopted my son 5 years ago (from a previous relationship of mine). It's been a rocky road, and twice I've announced I'm moving out. It seems that's the only thing that motivates my husband to make significant changes.
I think you need to do a mix of soul searching and talking with counselors/friends. Do you think his manipulation is intentional or rooted in insecurity? Do you think he's a good person at heart? What do people you know think?
Will he see a counselor with you? If so...try to establish up front what your goal is and what you'll be talking about. Otherwise the counselor will want to hear both sides, which (in my experience) turned the conversation into an argument over what happened instead of how we feel about it or what we want to do about it. My counselor said I should take a break when this happens and not argue about what happened, as this will encourage him to become more steadfast in his side. I've also learned that I need a break if I'm getting emotional, as otherwise I might say something I regret.
There's a lot of helpful information online. Check out the Gottman Institute at https://www.gottman.com/. Will he read things? Does he want to learn and improve?
If nothing else, doing all the above will improve your relationship and communication skills. I have learned a huge amount and seen benefits in relationships with my son, at work, etc.
Hang in there.
@determinedCoconut5417 Only you know what's best for you but as someone who has been in somewhat similar situations (living with roommates but it wasn't a romantic relationship), it might be good to at least look at your options. Going further than that may not be something you want to do right now but his behavior is concerning and sometimes you never know. You have every right to protect yourself.
