Just need to talk
Bit of a long story with a complicated situation.
But, in a relationship for 14yrs and married for 6. Very unhappy for the past 5yrs, many attempts at fixing things but there were many fundamental differences between us that we/I couldn't get past. Separated at the end of Nov 2019. I also started dealing with some childhood trauma around this time, with significant emotional and mental effect on me.
Meanwhile, last year I met someone unlike anyone I've ever encountered. We immediately became friends, and that's where it stayed whilst I was still married.
Once I seperated, we began to hang out. We live in different cities (about 4.5hrs drive apart), so we would see each other around once very two weeks. She has been divorced, her ex was violent and tried to strangle her.
Things moved very fast, and a physical relationship began (despite us both saying we needed to take it slow). I realised I had fallen in love with her last year, told her and she said she also loved me.
Fast forward 3 months, she dumps me due to a moment of emotional meltdown I had whilst out together at a social event (lost the plot, felt alone and ignored and behaved poorly). She says she felt controlled and like her ex made her feel. She says she can't move past it.
I stop contact, 3 days later she messages saying she misses me terribly and can't bear not talking every day. Wants to try a friendship.
I feel devastated, and I'm confused as to what she wants.
Help!
@Raven667 It makes sense you'd be confused as to what to do because she's definitely sent mixed messages by being very interested in you at one point and then being scared off when you reminded her of abusive things her ex did only to come back now. It seems like she genuinely does care about you and want to have a happy relationship but she hopes that you can both be emotionally mature enough to try to stay calm and communicate effectively.
Overall, what I can say is I respect you a lot for making sure you ended things with your ex wife before beginning anything new and having a friendship before getting into a new relationship. Friendship is really important and she probably appreciates your emotional support, believes you two can really be compatible.
Reflecting on what went wrong and how you can improve upon it before getting into a relationship again would be helpful and I imagine you've already done some of that. If I were you, from what you've said, I'd definitely want to hear her out and try to compromise by making up and seeing how you can avoid making her feel uncomfortable again by working out a plan to manage emotions differently in the future. Nothing is perfect and that's okay, there's very few loved ones that have never fought.
Whatever you feel is right is the best course of action but you seem interested in what shed have to say on some level so I think its worth it to give it another try. Good luck and I hope things work out better than you expect.
@Peacefulgardens From a female perspective, what I believe she probably wants is to see the best in you and try to make up because she misses you.
@Peacefulgardens
Thanks for listening and replying.
One of the problems is that she refuses to admit that she has any ongoing issues related to her abusive past relationship. I encouraged her to talk with a therapist, but unfortunately the therapist was not great and she says she got nothing out of it.
I fear that without her resolving some of these issues, even if we did try again there is a risk I will inadvertently say or do something that will trigger these feelings in her and she'll run away again.
The contact we have had since she asked to be "friends" again has been very difficult for me. How do you go from saying, goodnight and I love you every night, to a couple of messages a day that sometimes just seem like she is bored.
In saying this, the other night she said she misses me and wants to see each other again (i.e in person to do some outdoors stuff) once lockdown is over.
So, so confused.
On one hand, I feel I need to have a conversation with her to see where her head is at but I also know that I will run the risk of loosing her forever if I ask her to make a decision.
Not talking to her is torture, talking to her is torture.
@Raven667 That definitely makes sense with why youre unsure. It's really good you picked up on her having issues from the past she still needs to learn to process because thats really important long term. Hopefully, she does work things out and is able to heal in her own time.
The conversation about your future together doesn't need to be had until you're both ready and I can see why it's a huge risk, I'd feel the exact same way. I hope whenever you do have it though that things clear up and you can figure out what to do eventually, trusting your own judgment is probably best and it's okay to wait to analyze her more before you do bring that up.
Good luck, all I can say is its pretty clear you're viewing things reasonably and trying to do the right thing. There's always gonna be other relationship opportunities out there and whoever you do date next, I imagine she'd really appreciate how you take the time to think things through to make a wise decision.
@Peacefulgardens
Yea, that all makes sense. I just feel like we have something very special and the thought of losing her forever because of something someone else did to her is awful.....
Thanks for your thoughts.
