Leave or Stay
Need some feedback on this one. Would you leave your significant other if they told you they would never get married after they told you that is what they wanted with you. I don't feel like it is a deal breaker because if you want to be together you will be married or not. Don't want to lose him but don't want to waste my time either if he does not see a furture with me.
@blueOcean6753
Can you elaborate? What specifically did your significant other say. If they said they would never get married, but that's what you want, then it can be a reason to part ways and it's nothing to be ashamed about. For some people marriage is a priority, and it's good to be honest with yourself if that's you.
@walkalot When we first got together he would tell me he wants me as his wife one day and build a beautiful life together and now because his ex keeps trying to come around making him mad he is saying he will never get married again thats that. Then he must have felt bad for saying and apologized and said maybe one day he will change his mind and surprise me. Its not like I want some huge wedding or something. He wants to combine my income and everything else cars business but never get married. Marriage is something we both believed in and its not like we were even talking about doing it fast it was a future plan/promise, that is now gone.
@blueOcean6753
I would definitely say don't combine any financial things unless you get married. He seems to want a big commitment from you without giving a commitment himself. If you get married, you have legal protection if something goes bad and you have to split. If you don't get married, it will be difficult to disentangle if you combine money, income, possessions, etc.
@walkalot I agree. He wants a huge commitment from me and not give the same in return. He wants me to give my car back and get a car in his name, help him build his credit, quit my job to run a buisness I will NEVER own and if he leaves I am without a job or money of my own. Sometimes It feels like he is setting up his future and wants to use me to get there. I am NOT quitting my job or giving my car back to get one in his name and ME pay for it no freaking way. All that and I can't be married to him wth
@blueOcean6753
definitely sounds like he is using you. Better exercise caution.
@blueOcean6753,
does he simply doesn't want to ever marry again, or not with you or not right now? Only he knows and maybe he doesn't know right now.
I don't know if there is anything (like kids) that still connects him with his ex, otherwise it might be better for him and you if he breaks off all contact with her.
You said he wants to combine income and assets. Both of yours? If so, domestic partnership might be an idea to look at.
@dukeofdearham He said he does not want to marry again to anyone then said not right now after he calmed down. No kids connecting him to his ex just was a long term toxic relationship that is going to haunt him forever. He breaks off contact but then she always finds a way to get in contact with him. Its on and off most of the time he will ignore her texts then sometimes he gives in and texts back but never goes back even though he knows he can at any time. She is sitting there waiting for him. He wants to combine it but feels like he wants me to be the one doing most of the investing in him on his name. I am not ok with that at all. He has a spending problem like no man I ever met before so I have not combined bank accounts and never will. I will not give up my job or car for his benefit, I do a lot for him like a wife would, I support him through so much and sacrafice a lot to put him before me, but no sign of ever getting married and having that honor. I don't mind doing those things for the man I love and have a future with.
does he simply doesn't want to ever marry again, or not with you or not right now? Only he knows and maybe he doesn't know right now.
I don't know if there is anything (like kids) that still connects him with his ex, otherwise it might be better for him and you if he breaks off all contact with her.
You said he wants to combine income and assets. Both of yours? If so, domestic partnership might be an idea to look at.
@blueOcean6753,
doesn't sound he's in a good place.
I know the damage a so called toxic relationship can (in my case, both did do damage, not on purpose yet). I am still coping with that and can't and don't want to be in a close relationship ever again (was my 1st marriage at the age of 41).
I've done EMDR therapy and that really helped, to cope with traumatic experiences as in, to not let them run your life long term.
Maybe your partner can do with similar therapy. And he needs to find a way to be more aware, conscious, responsible. You can help by offering space and understanding (mind you, understanding doesn't equal agreeing), but he has be willing to work on himself, to rely on himself so you can rely on him while feeling safe, sunshine or rain.
@dukeofdearham Great advice here. And I do not want to repeat the same toxic behaviors with him that he had in his previous relationship. I really want to be his peace, but I can't talk to him about anything I am feeling he gets instantly defensive. And he does have alot going on besides her playing games all the time. What is EMDR? He has a couselor but he quit going. Its been extremely hard to find a therapist that cares to listen and will take his insurance. He has to do in person. I need therapy but I do not have health insurance at the moment he does though I pay for his,
@blueOcean6753,
I was struggling and completely lost myself. Got into a dark hole.
Now this might be personal but trying to fix me, offering help, didn't resonate with me. Maybe just someone saying something like "you are struggling with so much, let me get you help" might help. And little things like "I love you, no matter what". A hug, "I made you some tea". Little things. No solutions. While taking care of yourself to. If you need space, alone time, just say so, and say like "I need to be alone, it's not you, you didn't do or say anything wrong" (I was never told and took it personal, wondering what the bleep I did do wrong).
A lot of info regarding EMDR can be found on the internet, for instance
https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/treatment/emdr-therapy
Above article talks about "reprogramming". It's like looking at a hurtful event from a distance, from another perspective. Not about undoing it but getting tools to take of the emotional load events hold, to sort of redirect them. A way to not let them run your life. My therapist used an approach so I learned to put hurtful event in a container. Which you could open and close anytime. Worked for me, fast. I'd open the container until I went like, "that's enough for now" and would close it. I got to a point I no longer felt the need to open that container, it more opened and closed automatically now and then, mostly for a short while.
Finding a good therapist is hard. My advice, one needs to feel safe. And if the therapist is like "what is your plan for the future " or "where do you see yourself at in x years", avoid such therapist. Look for a "feelings" person.
I admire you standing by by him, you must sense a lot of good in him. Don't forget about you though.
@dukeofdearham You are correct and sometimes I work so hard to try and say the right things but it comes out wrong then I don't even really know how to express my feelings and put them into words. I will check out the link may help us. He needs a therapist that is caring not all about the insurance and the money that is going to be very hard to find sadly it is rare. I am trying to control my feelings and be understanding, it is hard because I don't like being told one thing then it changing and he does that alot and makes me not be able to trust what he says he is going to do. It almost always changes.
@blueOcean6753
Reading everything below, I think there are two questions in one here. One is more general: Is marriage necessary to live a life as a couple?
The second question looks to be more detailed: Is it recommended to be married or be in a relationship with this particular person?
Unfortunately, I must admit I don't find this man likeable to me: He seems to be changing his mind too often and too fast. He looks like he might be manipulating you into something that can ruin you financially and make benefits for him (as you said). And the entire idea of his ex harassing him, and him "magically" getting engaged in message exchange sounds anything but believable - it takes a very short moment to block the telephone number of someone you don't want to talk to, and it takes one call to the police (by him) to make her stop it.
The worst case scenario is they might be a couple working together to deprive you of your possessions.
Have you checked this man's criminal records?
@jacek73 Wow you really have this spot on I think. I have not checked his criminal record but I am going to. Or maybe going through all this it would be better for me in the long run to go ahead and walk away.
@blueOcean6753
I know it must be hard to consider such steps with reference to someone you considered to marry, but this is not about a single red flag - there seems to be plenty of them.
And your previous negative experience may add to the basket - you are responsible for your own safety.
Hi. I think you wrote this post specifically for me 😂
100% the exact same thing happened with my ex. We had always talked about getting married, and he said he wasn’t sure if he wanted to have more kids or not, and I was always on the fence about it too. One day he outright says to me that he wants to have more kids (btw he’s 40 and is a *** father already) and would only marry me if we had kids because “it’s the right thing to do”. He would never marry me otherwise. Let me tell you I lost my ish on him because we were already together for like a year and a half at that point.
All of this to say, I think you two need to sit down and very clearly lay out what you want your plans to be for the future, in no uncertain terms. Make sure you’re both on the same page. He may end up changing his mind down the road and want to marry you, but what if he doesn’t? I agree with you that that would be wasting your time and you don’t deserve that. You deserve a guy who knows what he wants and sticks to his decision.
@zedspike18 This part "You deserve a guy who knows what he wants and sticks to his decision." After reading your comment and the others it is helping me think more clearly and be more certain that this situation just needs to end. We all deserve to be with someone that is sure about us like we are too them. And not be so wishy washy changing how they feel all the time. I was 100% sure about him and showed it in my words and actions. It aligned and matched but not with him. He is all over the place. I love him very much and always will but now I feel I need to prepare myself to let this go.
