Left brokenhearted from ex with depression
I have just been dumped by my partner of 6 years and am completely devastated. We have had an extremely happy 5 years growing up together. I love him to pieces and we had talked of getting married and our future together. He has suffered with a couple of periods of depression before where he was out of work or off sick, and i supported him emotionally, financially and physically where he was having panic attacks each morning. In January we went on an amazing trip to Japan together and had a fantastic time.when we came back he went into one of these spells and right around this time he started a project at work with this girl called Sam.she had just broken up with her long term boyfriend and had severe anxiety and depression too.so they hit it off and became close friends, I tried to get involved in the friendship and asked to meet her but because of her anxiety he said it was a bad idea.meanwhile throughout his depression was spiralling worse and he was talking to her more and more and distancing more from me treating me like a piece of dirt under his sboe.i asked him to talk to her less and told him how i was feeling but he carried on.
This came to a head when he went to the doctors with her behind my back, was diagnosed with depression and given antidepressants, and then told me he was confused about how he felt about me in part because of this Sam girl.so I was heartbroken and he left. After a day he called and said we wanted me back and to make it work.
After a month of working it out and trying hard to talk when things were bothering us, I thought it was getting better.although he was still talking to her he said it was less and that they were just friends now. But then one night he went for a walk and came back all of a sudden saying he can't do this anymore and he's done. He didn't love me like he used to and wasn't in love with me like I was to him. I was completely devastated..again. So I left for a week. During which he called and texted me telling me he missed me, I don't deserve him and that he wants to be the guy I fell in love with years ago. So I came back with the mindset of working this out again and supporting him, but setting rules so this doesn't cycle round again.but when I came back he was suddenly done again, saying he didn't want to get back together.i found out he reason he booked his appointments was because Sam encouraged him too, despite me reminding him for the last month to do it and going to doctors with him. So hes left me after 6 years for this girl with depression too who he has this connection with. I am left alone in out rented house for 2 months in a city where I don't have any close friends or any family and I work at the same place as this girl. I don't know what to do with myself and still love him as much as I have the whole 6 years! What do I do?
@Nemo23
Hey there, Thank you for posting your situation, I would like point out some things.
I have just been dumped by my partner of 6 years and am completely devastated. (You must be feeling very hurt by this, its tough going through a long term relatiosnhip breakup, it feels terrible being without your partner). We have had an extremely happy 5 years growing up together. I love him to pieces and we had talked of getting married and our future together. He has suffered with a couple of periods of depression before where he was out of work or off sick, and i supported him emotionally, financially and physically where he was having panic attacks each morning. (In here I could that the relationship became one sided, such as you carrying all the weight in the relationship throughout this phases, which must had been difficult and stressful at times. It can be quite challenging and hurtful at times seeing a person you love go through this) In January we went on an amazing trip to Japan together and had a fantastic time.when we came back he went into one of these spells and right around this time he started a project at work with this girl called Sam.she had just broken up with her long term boyfriend and had severe anxiety and depression too.so they hit it off and became close friends, I tried to get involved in the friendship and asked to meet her but because of her anxiety he said it was a bad idea. ( I could be wrong, if I'm then I apologize, but did you ask to meet her because you felt you could lose him?, the reason he gave seemed like some sort of excuse). meanwhile throughout his depression was spiralling worse and he was talking to her more and more and distancing more from me treating me like a piece of dirt under his sboe.(This is very rude and disrespectful, you didn't deserve being treated this way after all the times you were there for him, you did so much for him, went above and beyond for him. It's very unfair how he treated you horribly. Distancing himself on this manner can be quite hurtful and sad, it's unfortunate he was withdrawing from the relationship and not giving you 100%). i asked him to talk to her less and told him how i was feeling but he carried on.
This came to a head when he went to the doctors with her behind my back, was diagnosed with depression and given antidepressants, and then told me he was confused about how he felt about me in part because of this Sam girl.so I was heartbroken and he left. After a day he called and said we wanted me back and to make it work. ( He is starting to lie here, not keeping you inform of something important such as going to the doctors. He should be going with you to the doctor, you should be his priority, but instead he choosed to go with her, that is not cool of him. This person seems like he is unsure, and doesn't know what he wants, at this point he is not emotionally ready to be on a relationship so more than likely he will hurt you. He talked about being confused etc, but then a day later wants to work things out, this is not fair on you)
After a month of working it out and trying hard to talk when things were bothering us, I thought it was getting better.although he was still talking to her he said it was less and that they were just friends now. But then one night he went for a walk and came back all of a sudden saying he can't do this anymore and he's done. He didn't love me like he used to and wasn't in love with me like I was to him. I was completely devastated..again. So I left for a week. (He is doing this again, breaking up with you out of no where, being all confused and unsure again. It's hard to be with a person who does this. It's hard having a healthy and loving relationship with someone who does this because your emotions and feelings will get hurt because of how unsure and confused he is. I'm glad you walked away on this ocassion, you didn't deserve this). During which he called and texted me telling me he missed me, I don't deserve him and that he wants to be the guy I fell in love with years ago. So I came back with the mindset of working this out again and supporting him, but setting rules so this doesn't cycle round again.but when I came back he was suddenly done again, saying he didn't want to get back together. (I get the feeling he cameback around this time because he felt lonely, sad, anxious, so he reach out to you to soothe these kind of feelings. If he is going to breakup with you, then he should be 100% sure on this decision, not go back and forth with you like this. I'm sensing some insecurities on his part when he says "He doesn't deserve you", but overall he is showing a lot of insecurities. I'm glad you put some conditions on him around this time before taking him back after the way he left. He is just going back and forth with you between being with you and breaking up, you don't deserve this. You deserve someone who knows what they want, who is sure of himself, will be with you and fully love you). i found out he reason he booked his appointments was because Sam encouraged him too, despite me reminding him for the last month to do it and going to doctors with him. (Well you tried to help him to the best of your abilities, its just hard helping him when he didn't listen to you). So hes left me after 6 years for this girl with depression too who he has this connection with.(Their relationship its not going to work out, two people who have a lot of issues going on in their lifes will not be able to make a healthy and loving relationship work.) I am left alone in out rented house for 2 months in a city where I don't have any close friends or any family and I work at the same place as this girl. I don't know what to do with myself and still love him as much as I have the whole 6 years! What do I do? (Well I have experienced the "Ill break up with you, then I want you back, I'll breakup with you, I want you back" routine and believe me its devastating and hurtful, its like a constant huge rollercoaster. You got to ask yourself, do you want to be with someone who have emotional issues, confused, unsure of himself, insecurities like him? or would you prefer someone who is sure of himself, confident, know what he wants, and will not leave?)
@freshLight64 thanks for your reply and I agree with what you are saying. I was keen to meet the girl at first cause she works on my campus and I don't really have any friends at work who I can see outside of work.so I thought we could all be friends, be he chose to keep her to himself and get closer and closer to her.talking to him yesterday he seemed like he was trying to say he had felt this way for the last few years but he had never treated me like this before she came along. From what I gather he is now seeing her and went to meet her when I was coming back yesterday. It hurts so much because it is so sudden and so clearly he's got into his head that this is the only girl who is going to make him feel better and support him through this, whereas she has severe depression herself and is clearly manipulative and not a nice person right now.i told him what I felt about her and then he left.
@Nemo23
I was keen to meet the girl at first cause she works on my campus and I don't really have any friends at work who I can see outside of work.so I thought we could all be friends, be he chose to keep her to himself and get closer and closer to her.talking to him yesterday he seemed like he was trying to say he had felt this way for the last few years but he had never treated me like this before she came along. From what I gather he is now seeing her and went to meet her when I was coming back yesterday. It hurts so much because it is so sudden and so clearly he's got into his head that this is the only girl who is going to make him feel better and support him through this, whereas she has severe depression herself and is clearly manipulative and not a nice person right now.i told him what I felt about her and then he left.
Oh okay I understand, it makes a lot of sense why you would want to get to know her, it does sound reasonable that you could all be friends, but for some reason he didn't agree with this. Well people at times don't end a relationship when they know their feelings are not the same or when they have died down because they are afraid of being alone, and fear of the hurt it'll bring after a relationship has ended. The sad thing is how he started treating you, that was not fair and you didn't deserve it at all. He is seeking for ways to soothe his anxiety, loneliness, depression in people, which means those people become an object to soothe things and fill some sort of emptyness which its why he shouldn't be on relationship until he fixes thoses issues. I could see why you would be honest with him about her, you cared about him a lot, however he has placed this woman on such a high pedestal where he gets offended if other people talk bad about her.
@freshLight64
oops i forgot to delete the top part, it was so i could reply entirely to what you said.
@freshLight64 thanks for your reply and I know you are right.he has placed her so highly that he won't admit that this is all about her and he has left me for her, just kept saying that he was not in love with me and then would fall silent when I would talk about her involvement. He has been calling and texting me since the break up, I think because he feels alone but it is just so hard and confusing for me.i tell him to talk to this other girl but he won't. I don't want him to hurt himself or suffer alone with his depression but he has broken my heart and stomped on it repeatedly and I can't take any more of it.i can't be that person for him anymore if he has chosen someone else.
@Nemo23
I could understand he has depression and you are worried about him, but you are not responsible for his depression and well being, only he is responsible for it. You also got to think about yourself first as well because his actions and contact are hurting you. It's like he break up with you, then reaches out to you when he feels lonely, sad, hurt, anxious, so then you become an object to soothe all of these things which it isn't fair to you. You deserve the best and happiness, I really think you did your best with what you had with him.
@Nemo23 I can't tell you what to do... But I am in a similar position and I understand perfectly how you feel... I hope it gets better for the two of us...
@Nemo23 It's my first time on this forum... I just read your story and feel so sorry for you! You sound like a truly lovely person and have given so much of yourself to this relationship. It must be devastating to see the relationship break down after all you have put into it ... You will need some special "you" time, I think. Could you go away for a bit of time and visit some friends - just do something you enjoy for a change and give yourself full permission to do it just for you.
@littleWalker878 thanks no I am stuck here for work and have a months notice period, but it's a really bad time to leave as well as my boss is away for 3 weeks. I am heartbroken and just don't know what to do with myself.for the past few months I have been so focused on him and this depression and the Sam girl that I don't even know what kind of things I enjoy doing anymore. I don't have any friends or family here so can only go and visit people on the weekend.
@Nemo23 Visiting at the weekend is good. A chance either to share with someone that you've been having hard times, or to just be a different version of yourself who can have a chat about something completely different. What are your interests - what gets you up out of a comfy armchair to go and do something? Sounds like you are a caring person - do you do volunteer work with people or animals?
@littleWalker878 I don't remember what my interests are anymore.the depression has just consumed so much of my headspace and I think I was depressed for a while there that I am still just struggling to come to terms with what has happened and after all this still just wish he would realise what he has done and come back to normal. I used to volunteer ..with animals! But since moving up here and working full time I haven't found the time to pursue it.
@Nemo23 I know how hard it is to let go of someone who has meant so much to you for such a long time even though they've hurt you. Maybe there's a part of you that can't let go even when you've listed dozens of reasons to just walk away from it all. The house that you shared together probably feels lonely but somehow so familiar and filled with the memories of good times. I just want you to know that I admire how strong you are to have endured so much disappointment and heartbreak and still be standing. Loving someone as much as you loved your ex takes courage, kindness, and an exceptional amount of patience. You have a good heart and your ex really took that for granted. Moving back to your parents and moving on from your ex are both great ideas! I hope that with time and distance, you can begin to find yourself again, the version of yourself that you've forgotten because you've been trying so hard to hold on to the life you shared with your ex. It might not seem like it right now, but it will get easier with time. Take care!
Thanks @ShadesBluer, I really needed to hear that. I am really struggling this weekend and this has just put it into perspective. I know I need to start moving on. It is just hard when he keeps coming to talk to me and saying things that make me think we might get back together.its not fair and I can't wait for this month to end.