Lost After Ending a Relationship with a Narcissist
I've been in an on/off relationship for 3.5 years with a man who I love but who is a covert narcissist. I know the relationship is toxic - when things are good, it's SO good; when they are bad, it's really bad. After the last incident where he made my 8 year old son cry on his birthday, and he threatened to do something that would have jeopardized my career, I broke things off. 2 weeks later he came crawling back begging me to take him back. I told him I need space and time and that maybe I'd consider getting back with him if we did couples counseling.
Because I am refusing to agree to a serious relationship with him again, he went back on ***. Literally a week after I broke up with him he started going on dates with other women. He has since broken off things with all those women (so he says) except one. He has a 3rd date with her today and is using this to manipulate me. He's saying he will stop seeing her if I agree to be in a relationship with him again. But because I won't do that right now, he is refusing to stop dating her. He brings this up on purpose to upset me, because he knows it makes me jealous and hurts.
I don't know what I'm looking for with this post. I guess I just need validation that he is toxic and it is *** up what he's doing, actively dating another woman and using that to put pressure on me to be with him. He keeps saying "eventually this will turn into a relationship, and then what are you going to do?"
The worst part is - I feel so alone. I don't have anyone else to support me. He is the only one who consistently shows up for me and wants to be with me. But this is the other side of it. I just feel like a mess but I don't know how to let him go.
@sensiblePal1896
I wasted years of my life on a narcissist.
There are some things to consider:
- if you stay with him for life, will this guy be a good stepfather to your child(ren)? Or will your child(ren) wind up resenting you for sticking with him?
- will this guy stick with you if you become ill or have some other hardship? Will he take care of you, or will he drop you when things get tough?
- do you feel better about yourself as a person when you are with him, or do you feel like he only loves you if you are the way he wants you to be? What will happen if you change in a way he doesn't like?
These are the sorts of things you will eventually think about, if you have not already. They are the things that matter.
When I look back on the relationship I had that wasted a lot of my time, the thing that could've made a difference would've been for me to get counseling with a trauma counselor. If I had healed my trauma, I wouldn't have gone for someone like that.
I hope you will ask yourself why you want to be with someone like this. If you cannot afford counseling, check out the Cra ppy Childhood Fairy on YouTube.
We wind up with people who treat us poorly because we were taught to accept being treated poorly. The only way to stop it is to do some healing work.
Having a child/children makes this even more important, as he may be causing trauma to the child(ren) that they will then carry with them. A child's example of what a relationship is supposed to be is learned at home.
You have a chance to break the cycle.
I hope everything turns out for the best. Much love to you 💜
