Love of my life or my kids?

@carefulBanana5340 . i say do what makes you happy

@carefulBanana5340

My wife and I have been together for about 10 years. We met in college on the east coast and after college I moved in with her. She is from the Boston area and Im from the west coast. We always got along great. At first I hated it here because its so expensive it was always a hustle but after a while it actually made me become a better person and hungrier. As time went on my wife become more and more anxious about things and I couldnt understand it. Im the opposite of an anxious person. I am logical and rational almost to a fault sometimes. An example would be she is afraid to flying when I know you are more likely to die from being on a bus, train, ferry, car by 104x and motorcycle 3036x…she wont sit on a bench if its too dirty because there could be diseases, etc… this was an ongoing thing so I eventually learned that she cant control it and learned how to talk to her, present information to her in the best manner to minimize her anxiety. (People don't change all that much, they just become more comfortable in sharing themselves with time and trust. Also, you learn to understand them better) She is also a very strong opinionated women so coupled with anxiety makes for a my way or the highway mentally without her really noticing it.

Im naturally a yes man, I like to do anything at least once, and this disconnect grew over time but I didnt really think anything of it. It started to change my behavior and I didnt even notice it. I would talk to her about financial plans, she didnt want to do any of it for example. It got to the point where I felt silenced.

So I have dealt with it and we have had a pretty good life. She is smart, attractive, and a really good person and I knew I couldnt do any better, and as an optimist, this was good for me. (It became a survival skill for you to walk around her red lines to build the life you like. You made the best of your only option at the time) So fast forward, we are married and have two kids. They are young, 2.5 yrs and 7 months.

Where I started to mess things up

I was a college athlete and always had exercise as a part of my life but since having kids, moving to the suburbs I hadnt in over a year and it was starting to bother me. I hear from dads all the time, embrace the dad bod and I dont have time etc… but one day I was listening to one of my podcasts and something stuck with me. The person said Oh, you cant work out? Drop down and do 20 push-ups…you can work out right now, whats stopping you, grab a tire, lift stuff in your house, run for 5 minutes, its not that people dont have time its that they dont want to make the time etc… and I took that to heart. I started putting tools in reusable shopping bags and do curls, anything I could find to put in a backback and do squats, lunges, etc… changed my diet and right now Im the best Ive ever looked. I lost 40 pounds, cut, six-pack, 15% body fat etc… I made this change to better myself and to make sure I live long for my kids.(Very well done. You set personal goals and achieved them) My wife was NOT supportive. I woke up early to work out so I was tired in the evening which she complained I didnt have time for her. I switched to working out at night but still the same issue. My diet completely changed and she was freaked out by everything I was changing. (Why? Was your working out impacting your ability to help around the house? Did you unilaterally take this personal time out of chores time?) She even said I made her feel fat because she was pregnant. This among a few other issues back-to-back was the straw on the camels back and I started to not share anything with her anymore and started to detach myself (I take it here you mean emotional detachment)

I thought to myself, is this the type of person I want to be with for the rest of my life? (Fair question that might have needed honest discussions to reach any reasonable answer)

Then I decided I have kids, Im not going anywhere, my dad left when I was young and dont want to be that guy and everything else is great, great house, family, friends, we have plenty of money for younger people in their 30s investment properties etc… But I was lacking something, that connection.

So please dont judge but I joined Ashley Madison 7-8 months ago to see what it was all about. (this time you walked around your red lines about confronting what was missing in your marriage to find what you wanted) I ended up meeting a woman my age, who doesnt have kids and was going to get a divorce. At first it was fun but then the connection grew rapidly. Ive never connected with someone like this before. We said we loved each other after 2 months. She is the girl of my dreams and vice versa. We connect on every level, favorite music is the same, future goals are the same, and the sex...best I've ever had. She got divorced 4-5 months ago and has been waiting for me. (Had you asked her to wait for you or was she free to explore other options while you sorted things?) Ive been telling her that I have two young kids and I need to make sure my wife is in a place where she can handle it on her own before I get divorced. Of course we have had our ups and downs but she has been extremely patient with me and after all this time I left my wife 4 days ago.

When Im with the other woman Im the happiest Ive ever been but laying in bed with her, I was thinking about how unfair this is, how I just left, abandoned my family. How my kids dont deserve that. I started freaking out. Yesterday was my day to pick up my kids so I picked them up from daycare and they were so happy to see me after 3 days I started to cry. After thinking rapidly since that point, the following morning I told the other woman I cant do this right now and if Im going to exit then I need to do it right, actual divorce, scheduled custody, assets divided, and Im in my own place. She doesnt deserve the uncertainty anymore. She basically said she never wants to see me again, that I used her and lied to her.(Is this true? Had you made promises that you are not keeping? Previous paragraph said you would need to make sure your wife is in a place where she can handle it on her own before a divorce. That hasn't happened yet.) I think she is just upset and it makes her feel better but still, I just hurt the woman I love most in this world and now Im scared I made the wrong decision. She is not wrong in a way, Ive been telling her that I cant wait for our future, and everything associated with that and I meant it, just the overwhelming feeling when I left was just so massive that I could handle it and freaked out. (A ten year marriage with two babies is a complicated situation and will certainly need time to deal with. Love is not the same thing as a relationship. Love is a pure emotion where you have no logic but a relationship is a conscious mutual choice. People have relationships for so many other reasons than just love, as you have yourself known from the past so many years. There are no rules in life for right or wrong as long as you remain true to yourself. You were missing something in life and went after it. When you found it, you paused because you're not sure it's worth the cost. That does not invalidate any of your feelings, it just means you are absolutely allowed to have second thoughts on any aspect of your life)

I dont know what to do. I've avoided conflict all my life so maybe the totality of all the moving parts of divorce freaked me out. I think Im just scared to disappoint everyone I know vs one person to have what I want. I wish I would have met her before my wife or even when my kids are older. Im legit freaking out I may have ruined the rest of my life and Ill end up alone. Im scared that if I regret this long-term, then I wish I would have salvaged this today, now…as the longer I wait, the higher the chance she has moved on. (You feel you might have ruined the rest of your life by losing her. If she feels the same way, a little time sorting your feelings and responsibilities would not make her move on.)

There is so much more to this story but Im at work and only have so much time…any input is much appreciated. (Please feel free to add anything, I'll reply as best as I can)