My Abusive Relationship

Mindfulness is fine but it doesn't teach anger management. You won't learn those skills by trying to remain calm and avoid feelings of anger. Just like how you won't learn how to drive by not getting behind the wheel.

In an anger management training you don't avoid those feelings but learn to guide them. You're exposed to your anger in a way that you can manage it.

The good news is that these types of training are very effective. But many people feel it's a big step to get the training in the first place. Shame also often plays a part but there's nothing shameful about getting help in my book.

Avoidance, whether it is avoiding feelings of anger or avoiding starting a training, is the real enemy with anger management problems.

Generally speaking it's a problem that can often be reduced very effectively. But that first step, starting a training, is often the hardest. Of course, I don't know your situation but I did want to offer some perspective even if it helps one person reading this.

@Lucianvi98 I'm sorry for what's happening and I can relate to feeling hopeless about your anger, as someone else who's needed to learn to control themselves, I'm proud of you for posting here and seeking support. You deserve to be validated with compliments although it sounds like the stress about people being distant or emotionally hurtful can get too much and lead to anger or humor that doesn't go over well. As a fan of self depreciating and dark humor, context makes a huge difference and it makes sense why she got hurt but also I can see why you'd want to lighten your pain by writing about the past relationship. Sometimes it's hard to learn to communicate effectively with people when intense emotions are in the way, because it's always a two way street. Alhough few things are ever going to be entirely your fault, I'm proud of you for taking responsibility on what you feel you did wrong and wanting to change for the better.

Some helpful resources I've found while researching on dealing with anger are articles on attachment styles which influence how people behave in relationships and handle conflicts. Having an insecure attachment style can correlate with anger instinctively and learning how to feel more secure may help. There's also a podcast on YouTube called Psychology in Seattle where the therapist discusses various issues that most people struggle with, including anger and feeling abusive, in a very calm and understanding way. Doing research on boundaries has also helped me a great deal, because it helps check entitlement sometimes. Then there's also examining what specifically triggers you to get angry and working on distancing yourself, slowing down, till the same conversation can be had more calmly. Different things work for different people but I believe you can eventually find what works for you.

One of the themes I've seen commonly in mental health communities are that people focus on victims of abusers but don't consider that just because a person may have abusive tendencies doesn't necessarily mean they can't seek help and get better. You're young and you have so much potential and malleability to change however you want to, and even if she's absolutely sure it's over and she leaves for good, I promise you'll be capable of eventually getting into a loving, healthy relationship where your partner prioritizes and values you. There's always more love out there, and recognizing your own flaws makes it easier to work on them.

I wish you well and hope it brought you some comfort to read this. ❤