My Boyfriend Friendzoned me...

Hi all, I'm dealing with a situation in which I need support, advice, and positivity.

My long distance boyfriend (of 1.5 years) and I broke up about a month ago. He initated the breakup over the phone right at the beginning of January saying things like "we just lost our spark", "I need time to myself", "I'm just so confused", "I just need space", and so on out of the blue (at least for me). During this past month we had LIMITED contact, a couple texts here and there, but after about 2 weeks I eventually called him to clarify if he needed space, or if he had made his decision. He apologized and said he'd made his decision, he didn't want to be back together. I was crushed, and made the mistake of trying to logically pick apart his excuses for wanting to end it over the phone. He didn't budge. Nevertheless, I wished him the best and told him I still wanted to be friends. We agreed to time apart.

This past few days he came into town and wanted to see me to talk in person. I was terrified of being hurt again, but excited to see him and secretly a little hopeful that he would see that long distance really messed up the great relationship that we have. At first while we were together we just caught up on life and chatted like friends. Eventually he brought up the breakup, and I let him know that if he didn't have anything new to add, I really didn't want to re-live our split in person. He continued to talk about it, saying things like "we're on different paths", "I'm not ready for a realtionship of this caliber, "I need to work on myself and my happiess before all else", and so on. I told him that's much different than telling me we lost our spark (and eventually that he "just didn't love me like that anymore"), to which he sighed and said, "breakups happen for a lot of reasons, not just one".

At the end of that meetup (where we were together for 4 hours), he apologized again and said, "I love this. Us talking and being together. I still want this friendship and I don't want to lose this". I asked if he saw our "friendship" as the same type of relationship that he had with a few other local female friends (mutual friends of ours) to which he exclaimed, "Exactly!". I almost lost it right then and there. How can someone that I've been so close with, shared everything with, been intimate with, etc. tell me he wanted to keep our friendship like all of his other friends. I told him how much that hurt, because I should mean more to him than just that. We talked a little more and our meetup ended with an awkward side hug and a wave. So awkward. I cried driving home.

I texted him and told him I was glad we met up, but expressed how hurtful it was to share time together like that and him not feel any kind of connection between us. He said, "I do but I just really need to work on myself. I didn't just turn off my emotions. It was weird not being able to kiss you or hold your hand, but I don't want to lead you on".

We met up last night before he left back home for about 3 hours. I truly wanted to see him again before he left. He talked all about his problems, struggles, what was on his mind, his hobbies, and very little about me or anything else. It really felt like I was just sitting there to listen and be his person to rant to, but I didn't have anything at that point to even say. Neverthless we had a good time listening to music and talking about friends despite all that. At the end of the night one of his female friends in town (not worried about this at all) called him and told him he should go out with a group of their friends. I could tell he was very uncomfortable telling them that he was with me. Not only was that hurtful, but it was also hurtful because this group used to once include me, and now asking me to come wasn't even in the back of their minds. I encouraged him to go, telling him it would be fun before he left. He ended up going, and we ended our last meetup with again an awkward wave goodbye and a side hug. I gave him a full hug and told him, "come on". We hugged for a couple of seconds and then awkwardly jerked back when we went to look at each other because we were so close. What a way to end it. He texted me and asked me if I had made it home safely, and I made a funny joke and put a winky emoji just for fun. He never replied.

The level of rejection and hurt I feel is unreal. I cannot understand how a person I was so close to, and shared so much of my life with, was able to just think of me as a friend/bud/pal in such a short period of time. I mean, even the side hug was so hurtful. It was like he was truly afraid to touch me or get to close to me. I feel like I got friendzoned in my own relationship. The thought of him only seeing me as a friend, and potentially meeting other women and connecting with them like we once did is killing me.

I really would appreciate advice, but please do not just comment things like "just forget him and move on" or "you're better off without him", because I've heard it all before. I really need advice on how I'm feeling, your insight, and if anyone else has been in this position. Thank you so much.