My Happiness Over His
I had a rough relationship for 3 years that we were together. At first he was great, supportive, and all that I could want. But the second half, he would lie to me about how he truly felt, would leave me hanging, and just acted like he was in control of the entire relationship. When we broke up and he was struggling with his depression, I stuck around to help him for an entire year despite what people told me. He would leave and come back and I would receive him with open arms and get hurt every time he would change his mind, because everything was up to him. The second to last time he came back, I told him I couldn't be with him. He became too selfish, too arrogant, and I just didn't see myself with someone like that. Instead of trying to change him, I decided to leave the picture. But he insisted again that I talk to him, and I told him that he was very petty and hypocritical because he would be insulted when I couldn't reply immediately but he would purposely ignore me for days. So he apologized and felt guilty. We talked over the relationship and I questioned if I was doing the right thing. I'm allowing him to do this to me, to control all of this. So I confronted him, and told him that I made my priorities straight and therefore, I need to focus on my life and not the relationship. Since then he hasn't talked to me, so I guess he wanted attention and act like he was more important? But my question is, did I do the right thing, putting my happiness over his?
@RoxanaNvz This isn't about your happiness over his. He was putting his wants above your mental health. You tried being there for him and he responded by lowering your self-esteem, taking your control, wasting your time. There is no question that you did was not only justified but necessary. I'm proud of you for taking a stand against his toxic behavior.
And if you feel guilty because he was suffering from depression, that's not an excuse to stay. People often talk about how it's ok to cut someone out of your life because they are toxic to your own mental health. The less common message that should be shared is that people are allowed to cut out a person with mental health struggles if those struggles cause them to be a toxic person to you. Their mental health isn't an excuse. And their mental health definitely doesn't trump yours.
I suffer from anxiety and depression and I try extra hard when they are spiking that I don't take it out on others. Just because I have anxiety, doesn't mean I have a Get out of Jail Free card to treat the people who care about me like garbage. They are trying with me, the least I can do is try with them. It sounds like your partner wasn't doing the same for you. Don't feel guilty. You did what you had to do.
@SecretlyMe Thank you so much! I've been waiting for someone like you to clear that for me, especially from your perspective. I always tried to understand him and justify his behavior because I didn't want to blame it on his problems, I felt that would be too shallow and wrong for me to do. But now that I hear it from this perspective, it makes me feel so much better knowing I did the right thing. Bless your heart, soul, and mind. I wish you the best.
@RoxanaNvz This definitely doesn't make you shallow. The fact that you tried to make things work despite his lack of effort shows how big of a heart you have.
I'm glad I was able to help. Like I said before, I feel like this is a message that needs to be spread more widely to avoid people getting stuck in toxic relationships. Yes, of course we should be kind and gentle to people because you never know what they might be dealing with. But knowing someone is struggling with their mental health doesn't mean they can be held to a different standard as the rest of society.
Take care. I hope things change for the better in your situation. If you ever want to talk, I'll be here :)
