Navigating a No-Contact situation (first break up ever)
So, as the title says, this is my first break up and this first no-contact situation ever. I am 30 years old, my fiancé and partner of 10 years decided to break up with me, saying he needed to be his own person, living on his own. For now, he left to live with his parents and we haven’t been communicating.
He says that he needs his space but I don’t know what that means exactly other than not to message him. We rented an apartment together that I can’t afford on my own, and I don’t know how to move around the topic of him paying his half of the rent.
I am a person who tends to want to talk everything out, he was my first boyfriend, partner and fiancé, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. Any advice would be appreciated.
@LonelyTree1455
Could you ask him or consider what he means by space? It sounds like you’re going off your understanding of the term. Giant differences could arise from assuming one knows what’s on another persons mind without clearly communicating that to them in the best way way possible without taking it personally.
Suggestion - “The Four Agreements” - by Don Miguel Ruiz - he has sequels too
Do you want to be with them or are you worried about housing? Sometimes our issues are hiding a deeper question that require healing in order to stop the cycle from happening. There may be unresolved trauma in your life that is needing attention at this time.
Suggestion - book, website and YouTube videos by Byron Katie. Www.thework.com
The Brain That Changes Itself - Norman Doidge
How are your thoughts? What are you believing these days about yourself and others? How are they affecting and effecting you? How many of your thoughts and beliefs are critical, judgemental or blaming? Do you know how to hold and maintain a boundary? How to say “no” in a loving way?
Suggestion - Louise Hay’s youtube channel and audiobooks free on YouTube.
Hope that makes sense and helps.
@Dallady thank you for your well thought out and considerate response!
I will definitely check out the books you recommended, I’ve been looking for things to help myself navigate this situation and I love visiting my local library. :)
On your first suggestion, I’m afraid to talk to him right now, if I’m being honest. I know that doesn’t help the situation, but right now, it seems like any attempts to reach out to him (or any of our mutual friends who have cut me off) results in things getting worse. Due to his actions of blocking me on many social medias, or soft-blocking so that we are no longer following each other, it feels like right now he does not want to talk to me about anything. I know that I can’t know what’s going on in his head or assume intention from his actions, but I’m very much afraid to reach out to him at all right now for fear of making things worse. If I frame it as “I’m reaching out just to establish the boundaries” maybe he will take it better though!
And also understand that I respect his need for space and am trying to figure out the best way to navigate it.
I do want to be with him, one thing I’ve realized since he’s left and I’ve been frantically filling out applications for low-income housing is that I qualify for a lot of it, and in some cases would likely be in a better off living situation than I am now. The problem is that I do want him to be with me for it. :( I do think that there could be some unresolved trauma that is hitting me harder right now that I haven’t thought about, particularly that I was abandoned by my father when I was a child, so abandonment fears are probably making this situation much much worse.
The questions about my thoughts, I think that’s something I may have to explore with my therapist. I’ve always thought that I’m someone who is good at respecting the boundaries of others, but maybe I’m not, since this entire situation is giving me so much anxiety, and a lot of the issues we had in our relationship stem from me wanting to be part of everything with him and always included. (I think this might also stem from my fears of abandonment)
Thank you again for all of your recommendations and thoughts, I appreciate it a lot, it does help, it made me reflect more on the situation.
@LonelyTree1455
I’m glad you found it helpful.
You sound insightful and reflective and that’s wonderful.
I see you mentioned you always thought you were good at boundaries with others. What about boundaries with yourself? Do you set limits and find ways to keep yourself as healthy and happy as you could?
A safety plan and being a little kinder to yourself could work, and help you to stay grounded when anxiety hits.
Its just a small list of helpful things one could keep on the fridge. For example 1. Breathing exercises 2. Distract myself with something or things I enjoy (make a list of a couple of these things) 3. Delay what isn’t an urgent priority 3. Drink some water 4. Take deep breaths.
Remember you want to feel as good as possible throughout the day. Setting up little reminders, happy five minute breaks every few hours, and one thing you really love to do will counterbalance any stressors going on.
And if it’s not enough, then a counsellor or something will help even more.
There’s something called Wellness Together Canada that offers free counselling, programs and community resources and more if you can’t afford one on here.
@LonelyTree1455,
this might be, hard as it is as you are driven by emotions right now, to find your own place. A place you might feel at home at. At home with your true self.
Leave the situation as is, as there is nothing you can do about it. Explore your self, true self, connect with your heart, your inner core.
Whatever the outcome, you will feel more connected to your self. I understand how hard it is at times, being in a situation that I cannot control and being only able to not have any hope and fully rely on my true self.
Take care.