Nearing the end and I hesitate...

@wriststowine

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

Hello, not sure where to begin or if one can even convey enough info to form a true picture but here goes nothing. Been married for over 5 years and for at least the last year and half things have been pretty terrible. Now I am aware they had been creeping that way for even longer but it's relatively come to a head in that time. (This tells me you have known things have not been going well for a long time, however you push it to the back of your mind in hopes things would either change or improve or you felt like you were overeacting) We just keep having the same arguments because nothing ever gets resolved. (This is a red flag because theres a chance one side tends to project on the other one, while the other side tends to feel guilty and disconnected. Theres a possiblity one or both sides have resentment towards one another) At the core of the issues is this:

I require a lot more physical touch and emotional intimacy than he does, (From what you shared, one of your love language is physical touch, which means this will make you feel loved. I can also tell you require more closeness, however he probably requires more distance) above not requiring it it seems to agitate him now to have to try to accomdate my needs and requests. (I truly think your partner will often focus on his needs and wants without putting much consideration into yours, and if you even try to communicate this then he will sabotage the relationship by doing and saying things. It's hurtful being with people like him because its a constant rollercoaster and nothing is ever consistent. He is not the right partner for you because you will often feel disconnected) He admits he doesn't understand the need for it, (This is because he probably grew up with one or both parents that didn't give him much love, perhaps they often minimize the importance of love/closeness, so now he all of this is foreign to him. He didn't grow up with the skills to make a relationship work.) he doesn't "get it" in relation to emotions in general as well. (His parents probably said things like "stop crying", "showing emotions is for the weak" and other things, so it made him dissociate from his internal emotions. The problem with this is that people like him will put less importance to emotions and will treat you just like his parents did to him) He doesn't even like it when I ask him how his day went since he doesn't see the point in sharing. (This tells me his parents were never curious about him or about his day. Theres a chance his parents either shut him down, ignore or minimize things when he tried to share things. It's going to be very tough connecting with him in an emotional level) I guess he tried harder in the begining and admitted that at a certain point he stopped trying, so that I have distinctly different memories of his personality.

So we don't share our emotions, (This is a red flag, how you two going to connect then?) I no longer feel even comfortable sharing my own as attempts are typically met with silence, (He is being rude here, and sabotaging the relationship on an effort to create space. He doesn't know how to communicate like an adult and has zero empathy) physical contact is limited to the obligatory kisses goodbye and hello and the occaisional hug, and cuddling is just a segway into foreplay-less sex. (Your needs are not being met, so this is going to cause you to feel resentment) I don't even feel like a team in regards to our shared responsibilities, I usually am just merely informed of the descisions that have taken place without my input. (Theres a chance it could be a powerplay here, he more than likely like to things his way and usually will not put much thought into what you want. You will feel like you are dealing with a business client because of the way he behaves) Even if we are doing a similar task or chore together I am the one expected to stop to get something for him (he is selfish and self-absorbed, and cares mostly about what he wants while minimizing what you want) or clean up what mess was left behind since he can accomplish so much more with his time. (He is behaving as if you are less than him, it almost feels like he doesn't believe you are capable of doing things. Your partner its not the right one for you, he will often belittle you and might want to be in control of things)

He says I need to just accept him the way he is, (He is minimizing how you feel by saying that statement. He is basically saying "This is the way im so i can't give you what i want because im just being me". You can't have a healthy relationship with a man like this, a secure partner would be like "Oh I understand, thank you for sharing your needs. How about if we do this and that, how would that make you feel?", but your partner is way too selfish.) but even accepting him does not change my needs. I feel we have met an impasse in that regard. There are a bunch of other things too but that is the core issue I believe. And while I did stay quiet for probably too long, (This is because growing up they made you feel like expressing yourself was a bad idea. I can tell you were often shut down, feeling minimized and they would withdraw from you so you took the role of a pleaser and keep things inside to not lose the other person) when it got to the point where I could feel the resentment bubbling up in me, (Thats what it leads to me when they are so many things bottle up inside) I sat him down to talk. It didn't go well, I was stonewalled and disregarded. (These are passive-agressive tendencies he is showing. You probably did the best you could to communicate (you did great), but he was only focused on his insecurities and fears that made him project things on you, and then he stonewalled you on an effort to punish you and push you away)I was made to feel that I just need to tweak myself and my ways. (He is projecting here, he is the one that needs to tweak himself because he is an awful partner) I tried harder....for some time, (This tells me you fet like everything was your fault, and then you had this need to do something on order to receive love and attention. He is the one that needs to change and try harder) and then it would come right back up again. I tried to remain firm in my requests but my resolve would break and I would again fall silent, or he would go quiet and the conversation would be just dead in the water. (He is an awful communicator and cannot handle emotions well)

A few months ago I finally laid it out as matter of factly as I could and I think for the first time he saw I was serious, I was done fighting and going to call it quits. He wanted to give it a bit more time for both of us to try our hardest for this. (He said what you wanted to hear, and then after a few weeks he will got right back to his old behavior) I was almost frustrated at that because I was tired and worn out from all the trying I was doing on my own, but I agreed. (This will decrease your value in his eyes because you didn't make him work for it) I don't have the best self esteem so it doesn't take much to convince me that something wasn't good enough on my end (I can tell that as a child they blame you for everything, so an adult you carried this behavior into adulthood and then you have this need to do something to receive love) and a lot of the stuff out there alludes to how fixable even seemingly broken relationships are if both people just try. (If he or you are not aware what goes internally, then nothing will change) Some days I am so sure in wanting to be done and other days I wonder if I will regret it later because I didn't try hard or long enough.(You tried hard enough, its just takes two people to form a relationship. Be honest with me, what has he done to make this relationship work?)

I feel like my marriage is over. Weve been together for 12 years and married for 5. We have a child together and then I have 2 step children. Everything is falling apart. Ive always been in love with him but is hard to look at him without hatred anymore. I feel like a slave, maid and overall just neglected in this marriage. I work 50+ hours a week and am still responsible for everything from chores to bills to taking care of everything. I love him with everything in me but I cant seem to make him understand Im breaking. I started counseling 3 months ago went religiously until this month ( missed 2 appointments) and I just dont know what to do. Do I salvage my marriage or except that I need to move one.

I am going through a situation where we have a two year old... I

@wriststowine

Is he open to marriage counseling? From reading your follow-up, it sounds like he wants to work on your marriage but maybe he doesn't know how?

We're in a bit of a similar spot, except the need for more affection is swapped. He's asking for more affection and honestly I'm really struggling with whether or not I still love him, so it feels forced for me. We've both been trying to express more appreciation for each other and that definitely helps.

Something that helps us is remembering that love is a verb, in that it is something you actively do. We both feel closer to each other when we are working together on something, whether that is yardwork, fixing something around the house, cooking dinner together, etc. Would something like that be an option for you?

Another thing that is important is expressing your expectations. If you expect that you'll spend Saturday night together when he has hopes to go out with a friend, and neither of you express that until the evening comes, that's a conflict waiting to happen (our fight a few weeks ago). We get in trouble when we make assumptions about what our partner is thinking and feeling.

I hope things are going better for you.