Numb and not sure
I'm in a pretty shitty state. Severely depressed. I feel like nothing ever gets resolved until my wife wants something for herself or I'm at my wit's end. We had a LOT of dogs, to a point where I couldn't stand it and walked out for a day. It took my nearly having a breakdown for her to do something about it. We owe almost $2k for electric, the house we rent has been saved from all the dogs, and now she wants to move out of state to be with her daughter and grandkids. I've needed to pay off a court fine to get my license back for 8 years, and it always was impossible because of these situations, mismanagement of $$ (which she was in charge of because she stays at home). Now that she's ready to move, she paid off her own fine first, which was only a year old, mine is secondary I guess. It just seems like there's always a plan but it never really works out... Ever. Not sure i can be a part of that anymore. Maybe I should be living for myself? I've been very depressed for a while. The thought of suicide sometimes makes me smile, like it would be a relief from everything. I've said this to her, and that i feel numb, I don't know how I really feel about anything, because I'm just following along and settling for whatever. Like I've fallen asleep on a giant gear that just keeps turning. She keeps saying "are you really wanting to give up on (insert thing here)", and now "we can start over". Not sure there's any reason to believe anything is going to change. I don't know. I told her I don't think it's fair to ask me that. She didn't understand. I'm really lost.
I'm very sorry you're feeling this way and I had to urge to reach out because I fear my husband may have the same feelings of neglect, anxiety, and depression because of my actions and it really changes your perspective on things when you think of how your actions do affect your love ones and how there truly are two sides to each story- its up to you and your spouse to bridge the communication gap to ensure that you are both on the same page and helping each other grow and flourish. Watering seeds of doubt in your relationship will surely lead to a weedy garden bed of anxiety and insecurities- on both sides. I recommend telling her that you feel this way- she very well may be completely unaware of her tendency to make you feel these ways. A simple talk could change everything into a new healthy and forward direction. I know that I for one am only human- but i try my best to ensure my husband feels secure and loved. I would definitely want him to come to me if he felt anything less so that I would know what adjustments to make him as comfortable(and HAPPY) as possible.
I told her i dont want to move. But she wants to be there with grandkids for as long as possible, her lupus is getting worse so that's what she wants, before it gets so bad she'd have limited mobility. But then I feel guilty for feeling the way I do, like I should keep doing things because of what I'm expected to do, just go along with it, I guess. I've looked back and noticed many instances where I have made concessions when it comes to my morals/ethics. The only time it stopped was when I really put my foot down, but I had to become the "bad guy", "mr negative". Idk. I'm just venting now. No clue what I'm gonna do.