On a Break/Broken Up, Seeing Someone Else, Feeling Extreme Guilt
My SO and I "took a break"/broke up with the intention of likely resuming the relationship in the near future. It was my idea; SO was definitely not into it but agreed. I just needed a chance to "do my thing". We live together, share pets and debt. Been together for more than five years.
I hate hurting people, and I know this situation hurts him. I'm happy with my relationship status, but so overwhelmed with guilt for hurting him that I've actually sought out professional help for anxiety and depression.
I started seeing someone else, casually (I didn't set out to do so - it was a friendship that turned into slightly more). We have a great time together, but I can't stop feeling guilty. To be clear, as my SO and I worked through the terms of what was eventually established as a breakup, SO said they didn't mind if I saw other people, but they didn't want to know about it if I did. There's no chance of a future with this other person, as in a few months, it would become extremely long-distance. This was actually kind of comforting at first, but now I'm starting to wonder if I maybe I wish there could be a future with them - and this probably adds to my guilt.
I would love to hear that my feelings of guilt and shame are completely unwarranted, but maybe they are, so if that's the response I get... well, okay. Thanks so much for reading and for any feedback!
@faithfulCucumber4468
You're on a break, aka broken up, but not really. You've just transitioned to "playing house", with a "roommate", right? You share living space, pets, and debt together and rightfully so since you've been together five years.
Have you considered the fact that you have experienced guilt, depression, and anxiety because you haven't fully dissolved your present relationship and it feels more as if you're cheating on him, than exploring other options? These symptoms may be part of the fact your mind isn't handling compartmentalization of your emotions very well, which is quite understandable.
There isn't much of a future with this new person, and the LDR is going to likely end what you both share, but then there is a part of you that wonders "What-if?". Maybe the guilt about that has more to do with the fact that you're so very open to exploring more of what other men have to offer versus this one particular person because you are now realizing that there are things that you've been missing, or want that you aren't necessarily receiving from your long-term SO. Is that accurate, am I close?
It's not really that your feelings of guilt or shame are warranted or not, but more about the damage you're inflicting on the man that you've been with for five years. While he's taken a nonchalant attitude about your "seeing what's out there," aka break, no doubt the number of thoughts and feelings this man must be experiencing must be pretty intense while trying to pass it off as if he's not too bothered by it. Maybe he is or maybe he isn't, but as a man myself I couldn't imagine watching the woman I've been with for so long get dressed up and waltz out of the apartment for her date... that isn't me.
While you are keeping one toe inside the doorway, to keep those options open with your SO, and mostly checked out to look and explore other options with other guys, I'm sure you may have considered the amount of non-repairable damage that you're doing to your initial relationship with your SO. There are some things that simply will not fit back together again after all of this is said and done, because it will have forever changed the underlying friendship you both share, the foundation of your relationship, and of course the work that you've put into a five-year relationship itself. It will not likely be a situation where you both just pick up where you left off if it is decided that you're a couple again.
You hate hurting people, you know it hurts him, but you keep him holding onto some sense of hope that you both may rekindle things after you're done playing or rather seeking those other situations. Is that fair or realistic?
I've seen situations like this play out, a few times. It's not usually very pretty. I'm not going to tell you what to do, or give you advice -- but, I'm going to suggest that perhaps you consider taking firm action with your original relationship to potentially free him up entirely to move on while you sow your wild oats in the field. If things come back, then they do organically, but maintaining a "home" with him should have been the first thing to go when you decided to step out, and literally check out. That is likely what your mental struggle has been over, your mind attempting to deal with the confusing emotions and feelings.
Perhaps the goal of minimizing some of the pain is ripping the band-aid off versus a very slow pull.
In five years, I'm sure you've both worked hard to build trust, honesty, and respect for one another because it would be hard to last that long without those factors working to some degree, and no doubt there is a friendship there because you've both shared so much of yourselves, you even share debt and pets -- so why not the truth about what is and isn't, and what will be, and what won't?
The ability to continue dragging your previous SO along for the ride, keeping him in a short distance, while you try to see if you can get other things to work out is destructive and selfish. While he's a man, he does have feelings and emotions too, a man that deserves your respect and if the situation were in reverse, I'm sure you'd see things very differently and have specific expectations of what he would do to keep things respectful between you.
You might want to take some of these ideas above into consideration as you navigate yourself through the wilderness of dating.
Best of luck to you both.