Have you considered seeing a marriage counsellor ? It might be a big help to sit down and talk about it to someone :)
We've tried it in the past but he doesn't think it will work for us now.
I'm also at this point but my husband refused counseling.
Hello Amanda, I'm sorry to hear that. My husband refused going to counseling too. We've tried it in the past so he feels like it won't work for us now. I'm trying so hard to maintain my optimism but I feel like it's not working.
Maybe if we try to see where they are coming from, try encouragement and positive thinking instead of negative thinking and refrain from complaining, we might see a bit of change.
I asked him if he'd be willing to sit and talk with me when he gets home from work tonight. He agreed. Baby steps. I hope we'll have a fruitful conversation.
We did go a few times but some other legal issues came up and we can not pay for counseling 😕
Have you liked into free counseling services? Or sliding scale? Some universities offer this.
I meant looked, not liked. @sadwife I hope things get better for you.
OK ladies. From a mans side of things. What exactly is he doing. Have you honestly tried to sit down and ask him what he is feeling? Doing this will keep him from becoming defensive. I know this from experience. Its too late for me now, divorce will be final in July. The things I did wrong:
Underappreciated the small things she did, wasnt supportive of her decisions, was overly obnoxious around our friends and would make her the pun.All these and a few I cannot remember were things I did to ruin my marriage.
Things she did wrong:
Underapreciatedmy hard work as a provider as I felt it was never good enough, she never comunicated with me untill it was a fight, placed blame,absolute lack of intamacy. These were things she did to ruin our marriage
Any of this sound familiar. If I could go back and fix my part she might be willing to fix hers. Comunication is the only way to solve anything. You dont need marriage counseling, what you need is to understand what the other person feels without judgement or blame. Put those aside and it can be fixed. Talk to them about it. Tell them your concerne about your marriage. Let them know your feelings for them and ask them what it is that has them upset in the marriage. DONTget defensive. Listen with open ears and heart. Knowing what is wrong is most the battle. Both parties must be willing to do the work. Explain to them you wont get defensive. Feelings need to be put on the table, no matter what it is. Have faith in your partner that he will put macho aside and listen. I had that problem. Wouldnt listen when she would eventually open up. There is hope, dont lose it or you lose your love, your marraied for a reason. Hope this helps some
Thanks Crimson. It's really good to hear a man's perspective on these matters. I'm sorry that your marriage didn't work out. It's always in retrospect when we finally get it. I'm going to sit down with my husband when he gets home from work and just have a heart to heart. I hope we can get somewhere without it turning into a screaming match. I feel like we need counseling because we can get so heated and lose focus and neither of us feel heard. I think the counselor can act as a mediator of sorts.
I've tried the sitting down and setting the guns aside and talking calmly approach, my husband stays on the defensive, the issue here is what he's use to dealing with in past relationships has been brought into our marriage, I've never been in a relationship let alone married so I don't know how to handle nor respond to his melting down and I mean they are just that. I love him and I want this to work but I also I deserve respect, I bend over backwards for him take care of everything including our son who is technically my step son. It's hard to be appreciative of someone who makes you feel like you're dirt and always doing something wrong. He has major anger issues that stem way past our marriage. He refuses to get help anyways so counseling is not gonna happen, sit down and talk without defense you say, how when he lives in constant defense.
I agree Amanda. My husband is very similar. He has some anger issues that he won't recognize and it come out at me in hurtful ways. He denies his own wrong doing and treats me as if I've been doing everything wrong and singlehandedly made our marriage fall apart. He can be spiteful and mean-spirited and that troubles me because i don't try to come to him in that way but i feel like i have to escalate when he does so that I'm not sobbing and left in a pool of tears. I totally understand, Amanda.
My husband knows he has an anger issue says he knows he needs help but wants my help only , I'm more than willing to help to save our marriage but I honestly don't know how, and no Matter how angry you're husband gets or how loud he yells keep yourself composed stay calm even though you wanna scream don't, that's what will cause this to escalate.
Yes, I agree. Escalating with him is never a good idea. Trying to remain calm when you're feeling attacked is hard to do too. However, I'm trying my best to master that skill. I do have a positive report... we've talked and it was was a great conversation. A true heart to heart. We both calmed ourselves and just listened to each other. It was great. Now we have a better understanding. Still have more work to do but at least we're moving in a positive direction.
wow, you're both describing situations that i am sadly intimately familiar with within my own marriage -- not only in terms of the anger issues.. but feeling constantly attacked and blamed for the current state of things, regardless of the disagreement. having to always be on guard, always aware of my emotions, always calculating what comes out of my mouth... has been so incredibly exhausting. i'memotionally drained, and not sure how much more i can take. please keep us posted on how things are going, after your talk last month. i hope, for both of you, that things are getting better. i also hope that your situations can guide me as well... to know that there's something worth fighting for, and that there'll be better times on the other side of this.
My partner and are breaking up after 9 years. I have a daughter who's 14. My ex/partner has been with us most days for 9 years and now she's leaving. I'm not even sure I want her to stay; I'm pretty sure I don't but one hopes to have more than a "pretty sure" after 9 flippin years. Most of all, maybe, I'm horrified of being alone. Really, alone. I am so scared.
I'm scared of being alone too.
I'm scared too... but if you're riding the fence on whether you want to be with her, perhaps you should take a step back and look at things from afar. By that I mean just reevaluate your situation. Is being with your partner worth it of you're not feeling good while you're together? If you're saying that you don't want her there but she's only there because you don't want to be alone, that's unfair to you both. I get the loneliness factor but there are ways to fill that void without subjecting yourself to a partner that makes you unhappy.
Wow same thing going on here for me and my knew husband..i went to my sisters for a few hours the other day to get away from him..giving us both a few hours to cool off.he told me what he figured out while I was gone is that it was better for him to not have to worry about anyone else but himself,like he use to.....some how I'm not suppose to be offended by that??? I don't agree and feel like I got his message loud n clear,am I wrong
I saw in your previous post that you don't have access to counseling. Have you looked into free counseling services in your area? There's got to be some offerings. Look online for your nearest university. Sometimes they offer free or sliding scale counseling services. You might work with a grad student but that's better than going at it alone if you feel that counseling could help.